Proposing
Which is the more up-to-the-minute and fashionable way for a modern couple to reach a definitive agreement that they will be married?
Scenario One:
This takes place in the household that the couple already share, at a time neither of them has scheduled. Either person can initiate the conversation, as long as this is done in an acrimonious tone. The subject is provoked by a piece of information from the outside—a wedding invitation from another couple, an inquiry from a parent, a photograph of a baby in a magazine, a newspaper feature declaring a trend in the way people live. If the idea of marriage is not rejected out of hand, the next session is a businesslike negotiation. Terms are debated: Whose money would be whose? How would future work, such as child rearing, be divided? What contingencies would there be in case the marriage failed? If that is concluded successfully, discussions of wedding plans begin with the mention of an engagement ring. Will there be one? How will it be chosen? How will it be financed—by the gentieman alone, or should the lady contribute equally? Can she contribute more in order to upgrade what he might be able to afford, on the grounds that it is she who will be wearing it?
Scenario Two:
The gentleman secretly plans a special occasion and lures the lady to conform with his plans without her guessing the purpose. If she does, she is obliged to preserve the illusion by pretending to be bewildered. The setting he has chosen has sentimental associations, or luxurious or romantic characteristics, or as many and much of these as his imagination and resources allow. He is on his most courdy and attentive behavior, but he draws things out for the maximum suspense. At the great moment, he brings out an engagement ring that he has chosen and bought by himself. Perhaps he hides it somewhere clever for her to find (food seems to be the hiding place of choice), or perhaps he just produces it dramatically as he pronounces the age-old formula, "Will you marry me?" She appears to be overcome with confusion and emotion. After a suitable period of blushing and protesting her amazement, she agrees to allow him to slip the ring on her finger. Then one or the other must bring up the next business at hand, which is when and how he will ask her parents' permission to marry her.
Which do you think is today's cutting edge form of marriage proposal?
Call her old-fashioned, but Miss Ultimate Wedding had thought it was Scenario One. Even her cloistered ears have heard that young people do not nowadays agree to marry after a mere kiss on the parental front porch and that they have perhaps not preserved their innocence about financial matters and other practical considerations.
Yet she seems to have been mistaken. Scenario Two is becoming more and more the prevailing tradition. True, those who practice it are not generally in their first youth or first stages of courtship. It has even been suggested to her that it is for that very reason that they want the trappings of romance and the ceremonies of the past.
Miss Ultimate Wedding is aware that the gentleman may have to remind himself not to conclude the meal by saying, "Don't think we're going to split this down the middle—you had dessert and I didn't." She knows that the following week, the lady who needed her parents' permission to be married may be indignant that they think they have anything to say about the wedding arrangements. But for the moment, Miss Ultimate Wedding would just like to bask in the charm of the revived ritual. She has not a word of advice to add—except perhaps that they both pay sufficient attention to avoid ending up in the Emergency Room because the lady has swallowed the ring.
Her Proposal
Q. During courtship, there is typically a period of "testing the waters" for marriage. In this day and age, I do not believe that a lady must necessarily wait for her suitor to propose, assuming that if he hasn't asked her, he is not ready to marry her. I think it would be romantic for a gentleman to receive an (albeit unconventional) proposal from the woman he loves.
What is the correct etiquette for proposing to a man? Does the lady still wear an engagement ring? If so, should it be bought in advance or after, by him, her, or both together? Should she offer her fiance a ring or some other token of her commitment? Finally, does this alter in any way the traditional divisions of responsibility and costs of the wedding?
A. Miss Ultimate Wedding wishes people would understand that there is a difference between one gender's claiming a privilege that was once associated with the other and completely switching genders. Proposing to the gentleman does not make her—if he accepts—the bridegroom. Nor would he wear the bridal veil at the wedding.
There is nothing wrong with a lady's proposing marriage to a gentleman; it is not even all that unconventional. That's what old-fashioned feminine probings to find out the seriousness of a suitor's intentions were all about.
As for the wording, a marriage proposal should concentrate on one person's passionate desire to be united to the other. Miss Ultimate Wedding might have considered that obvious but for all the people who believe that "It's about time" or "I'm not getting any younger" are just as effective. They aren't. Tell him that you can't wait to begin your lives together.
The part about the ring is best left out. Gentlemen do not wear engagement rings (Miss Ultimate Wedding is not listening to the cry of tradespeople who want to supply such items) and a lady's giving herself an engagement ring tends to suggest that the gentleman's role in the relationship will be a negligible one.
Having accepted a marriage proposal does not in any way prevent a gentleman from giving his fiancee an engagement ring if he feels so inclined. From the time he accepts, they become an engaged couple and proceed in their plans as they would otherwise have done.
Parental Permission
Q. My son is planning to become engaged to a wonderful girl who has had a strict upbringing and has only recently broken away from a matriarch-mother. His fiancee is aware of this and has been friendly and sociable.
My son asked if it would help matters if he would first mention the engagement to the mother (the girl's father has died) to let her feel she is part of their plans. Or is that never done with engagements—that being a private happy time for the two involved. Is it still proper and considerate for my son to ask the mother for "her daughter's hand" and "blessing for the marriage"? He wants to do the right thing in order to continue gaining the mother's approval.
A. Your son has charming instincts and Miss Ultimate Wedding has only small adjustments to suggest to him. Even in stricter times, a gentleman interested in a romantic match—as opposed to making a business deal with a lady's family and depending on them to extract her compliance^—always made sure of the lady before approaching her family.
In this case, your hint about mother-daughter friction makes it seem especially wise first to make sure of her feelings about his idea, as well as her feelings about him.
The proper order is therefore:
1. Ask young lady for her hand in marriage.
2. Ask young lady for permission to ask her mother for her hand in marriage.
3. Ask mother.
The Prenuptial Contract
"Daddy's being horrid," the bride-to-be would say in simpler times. "He wants to know all about the money—as if I cared about money! All I care about is you. His stupid solicitors are even asking about dowager rights. That's disgusting. Why, if anything happened to you—or if I thought you didn't love me any more—I wouldn't need any money, because I'd just kill myself."
Her fiance would take her hand in his, glancing around to make sure no one was looking. "My parents are just as bad," he would confide. "Money, property—my mother wanted to know what would happen to the family pearls if I predeceased you and you married again. You wouldn't marry again, would you? Of course not. Me neither. I'm beginning to think they can't ever have been in love themselves. No one who understood how I feel about you could even think of material things."
Thus the happy couple could snuggle up against each other in perfect understanding and love, while her family lawyers and his family lawyers hammered out an agreement that represented each of their interests should the unthinkable occur.
Miss Ultimate Wedding does not recount this tale to suggest that all does not always turn out as the affianced imagine, nor even to warn that they should prepare themselves in case it doesn't. She believes in true love. She is merely pointing out that concerns about the eventual disposition of money and property when a marriage begins is not a new phenomenon. The Victorians knew how to handle it a lot better than modern couples who are looking out for their own interests.
The modern approach is that the bridegroom (or whichever of the couple is richer) shoves a document into the bride's face the day, or perhaps only hours, before the wedding, and says, "Here, you have to sign this." At any reluctance, he threatens to call off the marriage. By this time, she would be only too glad to be rid of him, but she feels a sense of responsibility to the caterer. So she signs.
It is true that in the antique version, it was entirely possible that the gentleman would eventually run off with the governess and that the lady not only did not kill herself, but, as he was able to show, had long since been consoling herself with the curate.
However, in the modern version, disillusion and bitterness have set in before the wedding has taken place. The thought of coercion may appear during the ceremony itself, whereas in the olden days, the financial arrangement had been kept entirely separate from the courtship. The agreement by which she had to give back the pearls and he was unable to touch her family property had been cheerfully made between two parties, either parents or their representatives, whose business sense was unclouded by emotions.
Miss Ultimate Wedding suggests that anyone interested in a prenuptial agreement about finances return to the ancestral wisdom. Perhaps there are no parents around willing to involve themselves in the transaction, but one may still blame others for being unromantic, even if one has hired them for the purpose.
Miss Ultimate Wedding recommends a version of the following dialogue:
"Oh, darling, I wish we were married already. There's so much to do, and I just want to be alone with you."
"Ummmmm. Me, too."
"Did you call about the cake?"
"I thought you were going to do that."
"That's right—I will. I'm sorry. Oh, and then there's another thing. My lawyer has done some property agreement—what happens if I die, or whatever."
"Don't even think such a thing. I couldn't live without you. What's in it? Where is it?"
"Darling, I don't even know. I find the whole thing degrading. I'm just going to have my lawyer send it over to your lawyer. Now come here."
The Engagement Announcement and Presents
Q. I received a formal, engraved engagement announcement; the couple does not plan to be married any time soon. Is a gift required, or even appropriate?
A. Traditionally, there is no such thing as a private, formal engagement announcement, as opposed to general announcements in newspapers. People are supposed to let their friends know the happy news by telephone, letter, or other informal means.
Miss Ultimate Wedding does not want to suggest that your friends had any ulterior motive for inventing a new form. Perhaps they fell under the influence of a stationer who had an ulterior motive. Perhaps they have more friends than they can possibly keep in touch with using the normal methods, although that does seem to make nonsense out of the definition of friendship. In any case, the response is the same as if they had written that friendly note. Write back, congratulating them and wishing them happiness.
No presents are necessary at this time. People who care enough about the principals to attend a wedding are supposed to express this symbolically by means of a wedding present, but it takes a great deal more spontaneous affection to want to give an engagement present. The only traditional (but also not obligatory) one is the ring that the prospective bridegroom gives the prospective bride.
The Engagement Ring
THE PRESENTATION
Q. I have been engaged for nearly nine months, but my fiance and I have recently bought my engagement ring together. My mother is upset with us, because she says that the ring is supposed to be given to me at the engagement party and that I am not supposed to see it until then. Is there any truth to this saying?
A. No, Miss Ultimate Wedding is afraid not. She doesn't want to encourage you to engage in etiquette battles with your mother—the two of you have a wedding yet to get through—but she knows of no such custom. Presentation of an engagement ring is necessarily a private event. A party is to announce that the engagement already exists^—-not to allow people to witness its being made.
THE RING SIZE
Q. I am a divorced male whose fiancee is also divorced and marrying for the second time. What is the currently accepted protocol for engagement rings in second marriages? Also, must my fiancee's ring necessarily be larger than the one given by her ex-husband to his current fiancee?
A. The correct formula is to multiply the size of the lady's first engagement ring by the size of the one you gave your first wife and add to it the size of the ring her former husband gave his fiancee. With any luck, you will soon reach a stalemate, with the gentlemen no longer able to afford to raise the stakes and the ladies no longer able to lift their hands, and Miss Ultimate Wedding will be able to turn her attention to sensible questions.
Showing posts with label Engagement. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Engagement. Show all posts
Saturday, April 18, 2009
Thursday, April 24, 2008
Engagement Parties: Beach, Pool, Cocktail, Intimate
Traditionally, it is the bride's parents who claim this honor first, but anyone who wants to throw an engagement party can-including you and your fiancé.If you are going with tradition and the bride's parents are hosting the party, the engagement announcement is generally made during a toast given by the bride's father or her fiancé. A toast is the perfect way to officially fill the guests in on the exciting news, especially when the news may be a surprise to them. The groom's father or other friends may also want to join in on the fun and toast the happy couple.
Any type of party is perfectly appropriate for an engagement party-a brunch, luncheon, dinner, or cocktail party. Guests can be invited by phone or written invitation, depending on the time and formality of the event. Be sure to avoid hurt feelings by only inviting guests that you also plan on inviting to the wedding.
Often, engagement parties are surprises, where the guests are invited to a party, but have no idea regarding the engagement. In that case, the invitations should be a general party invitation. If you want guests to know about the engagement beforehand, you can mention it in the body of the invitations.
"Please join us in celebrating the engagement of...."
If you are throwing an engagement party yourself, there are lots of fun ways to celebrate this thrilling occasion. From casual get-togethers to high-style affairs, here are some fun ideas to get you started.
A BEACH PARTY, POOL PARTY, OR BARBECUE
Nothing beats a relaxed get together with friends and family enjoying the great outdoors. This is a great way to announce your engagement if you've been dating for a long time and your friends have just been waiting for you to get around to becoming engaged.
A WINE TASTING OR MICROBREWERY PARTY
This is a fun, slightly more formal type of gathering where you can let your personality shine through. Serve lots of tasty appetizers with the wine or beer. You might consider printing up cocktail napkins announcing your engagement to use for the evening.
A COCKTAIL PARTY
A cocktail party featuring a new, personalized cocktail named after yourselves-the James and Kara Royale perhaps, or the Mike and Maddy Martini-is a fun way to announce your engagement. Cocktails are making a huge comeback, and a cocktail party is the ultimate in sophisticated entertaining. Pull out all the stops and use fun cocktail glasses. Set up a bar area and consider sending a bartender for the event. A few elegant hors d'oeuvres provide the perfect accompaniment.
A TEX-MEX PARTY
Somehow Tex-Mex food feels more casual than other dinner parties. It is also a good, easy way to feed lots of people without too much last-minute fuss. Add some ice-cold margaritas and possibly a piñata, and you'll be all set.
AN INTIMATE SIT-DOWN DINNER
The traditional dinner party is an elegant way to announce your engagement, This type of party lends itself particularly well to the engagement announcement being made by a formal toast.
AN ELEGANT OPEN HOUSE
This is a good way to invite lots of people but avoid overtaxing your entertainment skills. Bu their very nature, open houses are "drop-in" affairs and you can accommodate a large numbers of people spread out over a while afternoon or evening.
A CHAMPAGNE AND HORS D'OEUVRES PARTY
Nothing says celebrate like champagne! Try featuring a wide selection of champagnes that celebrate the bubbly's diversity. If you're feeling very extravagant, you might consider announcing your engagement via a personalized "vintage" of champagne. There are many wineries that offer personalized labels for their wines and this would certainly be a unique way to let your guests know your good news.
10 Creative Ways For Men To Propose This Holiday Season
1. When you are carving the turkey, find the wishbone. Put the ring on the wishbone and call your gal over for the traditional wishbone pull! (Get down on one knee before she actually pulls and flings the ring across the room.)
2. Write “will you marry me?” in holiday lights on the outside of her house.
3. Take her on a private sleigh ride and propose in the snow!
4. For each night of Hanukkah give her a small hint as her gift, such as brochures for local reception halls or photographers. On the last night give her a sample wedding invitation with your names (and the ring, of course).
5. When the two of you are stringing together popcorn, slide the ring on and see how long it takes her to take notice!
6. Find the biggest hill in her town, or another popular area. Take spray paint and write your proposal in the snow, then bring her on over! Likely, most of the town will already be there to see.
7. Buy her a clear-colored tree ornament and put the ring inside. Have her open the gift on Christmas morning.
8. Put the ring in her stocking. Great things come in small packages.
9. Putting away decorations means that everything is over. When you are packing up, tell her you forgot to give her one last gift and pull out the ring.
10. Typical, yet, perfect. Ask her as the ball is dropping in Times Square on New Years Eve and start the New Year off right.
2. Write “will you marry me?” in holiday lights on the outside of her house.
3. Take her on a private sleigh ride and propose in the snow!
4. For each night of Hanukkah give her a small hint as her gift, such as brochures for local reception halls or photographers. On the last night give her a sample wedding invitation with your names (and the ring, of course).
5. When the two of you are stringing together popcorn, slide the ring on and see how long it takes her to take notice!
6. Find the biggest hill in her town, or another popular area. Take spray paint and write your proposal in the snow, then bring her on over! Likely, most of the town will already be there to see.
7. Buy her a clear-colored tree ornament and put the ring inside. Have her open the gift on Christmas morning.
8. Put the ring in her stocking. Great things come in small packages.
9. Putting away decorations means that everything is over. When you are packing up, tell her you forgot to give her one last gift and pull out the ring.
10. Typical, yet, perfect. Ask her as the ball is dropping in Times Square on New Years Eve and start the New Year off right.
Getting Your Engagement Photos
You’ve interviewed several photographers and found the one that suits your personal style, fits into your budget and whom you like. A good way to get to know your photographer is with an engagement photo shoot. Even though you like their portfolio, you may not like how they work. What if he’s very disorganized, loses a roll of film, fumbles while changing lenses, misses the shots you want? Having an engagement photo shoot also gives your photographer the opportunity to learn about you. This will help him/her get a feel for the kind of pictures you want on your wedding day.
Your engagement photos should be a reflection of your relationship. Some of the best engagement pictures I’ve seen are of couples just having fun together. Think about your location. Go to a beach and play in the sand. Don’t be afraid to get wet! Lounge barefoot in the grass of a nearby park. Walk along railroad tracks holding hands. Play on a jungle gym. I once saw a wonderful wedding album that began with black and white engagement pictures of the couple in a parking garage. They also had black and white photos of the wedding party in the parking garage. It was pouring rain and the bride insisted on an outdoor location. Let your imagination run wild. Where was your first date? Where did he propose? You can use any significant location from your relationship to give your pictures special meaning.
Not all photographers include engagement pictures in their wedding packages. If your photographer doesn’t and you don’t want to pay too much extra, you can find a friend with a good camera and ask them to take some pictures of the two of you. Ask a photography student who will likely do it for the cost of film and processing. If you’re only looking for a picture to put in the announcements section of your paper you don’t need anything fancy. A portrait studio like Sears or Wal-Mart can take quality pictures at a reasonable price.
Whether you have your pictures done in a studio or outdoors, dress casually. Khakis or nice jeans are timeless. Try to avoid anything that will look dated. Stick with the basics; solid colors are good. Avoid busy patterns and prints. Keep your hair and makeup natural. You want people to recognize you!
Your engagement pictures will be a long lasting record of the beginning of your life together. They should capture the two of you, as you are every day.
Your engagement photos should be a reflection of your relationship. Some of the best engagement pictures I’ve seen are of couples just having fun together. Think about your location. Go to a beach and play in the sand. Don’t be afraid to get wet! Lounge barefoot in the grass of a nearby park. Walk along railroad tracks holding hands. Play on a jungle gym. I once saw a wonderful wedding album that began with black and white engagement pictures of the couple in a parking garage. They also had black and white photos of the wedding party in the parking garage. It was pouring rain and the bride insisted on an outdoor location. Let your imagination run wild. Where was your first date? Where did he propose? You can use any significant location from your relationship to give your pictures special meaning.
Not all photographers include engagement pictures in their wedding packages. If your photographer doesn’t and you don’t want to pay too much extra, you can find a friend with a good camera and ask them to take some pictures of the two of you. Ask a photography student who will likely do it for the cost of film and processing. If you’re only looking for a picture to put in the announcements section of your paper you don’t need anything fancy. A portrait studio like Sears or Wal-Mart can take quality pictures at a reasonable price.
Whether you have your pictures done in a studio or outdoors, dress casually. Khakis or nice jeans are timeless. Try to avoid anything that will look dated. Stick with the basics; solid colors are good. Avoid busy patterns and prints. Keep your hair and makeup natural. You want people to recognize you!
Your engagement pictures will be a long lasting record of the beginning of your life together. They should capture the two of you, as you are every day.
Informing Your Families of Your Engagement
First and foremost, congratulations!
I met my husband online, and I remember feeling somewhat uncomfortable telling some of my family. So I took the easy way out. I told my parents and had them share the news with everyone else.
Traditionally, both sets of parents are told first. However, if either of you have children, they should be the first to hear the news. Probably you will want to make personal visits to both sets of parents before telling others. They really don’t like being the last to know. If either of your parents live far away, then a phone call will be fine. With your parents, you can make a list of whom you want to announce the engagement to. Then decide how to tell them (in person, formal printed announcements, telephone, etc.).
If both sets of parents have not yet met, arrange a meeting even if location means the meeting will be via telephone or through technology, internet meeting.
If either of your parents plans to help with the expenses of the wedding, or you plan to ask them, it is essential to get together shortly after the engagement is official to discuss your ideas and everyone’s expectations. Now is a good time to prepare or set a preliminary budget and see how much your family is willing to spend. Discuss the style and size of the wedding you want, the guest list and number of people to invite, and who wants to pay for what.
Finally, if you think that either family will not be happy or approve of your decision to marry, it is best that their own child inform them privately. Yes, it is true you will have to deal with your in-laws for the rest of your lives; however, problem parents are still the main responsibility of their own child.
Before either of you announce your engagement to problem parents, be prepared to hear the worst. The worst being that one or both will not attend the wedding or participate in any way. You should be strong, tell your parents you want them to all be there and share in your happiness and you expect them to reconcile their objections for your sake, but if they can’t, so be it. If that’s the case, you will have to plan whatever kind of wedding you can afford without them. Just remember, your commitment to one another is your first priority. None should be permitted to spoil the celebration affirming that promise and commitment.
Now that everyone is informed. It is time to begin the planning. Good Luck!!!
I met my husband online, and I remember feeling somewhat uncomfortable telling some of my family. So I took the easy way out. I told my parents and had them share the news with everyone else.
Traditionally, both sets of parents are told first. However, if either of you have children, they should be the first to hear the news. Probably you will want to make personal visits to both sets of parents before telling others. They really don’t like being the last to know. If either of your parents live far away, then a phone call will be fine. With your parents, you can make a list of whom you want to announce the engagement to. Then decide how to tell them (in person, formal printed announcements, telephone, etc.).
If both sets of parents have not yet met, arrange a meeting even if location means the meeting will be via telephone or through technology, internet meeting.
If either of your parents plans to help with the expenses of the wedding, or you plan to ask them, it is essential to get together shortly after the engagement is official to discuss your ideas and everyone’s expectations. Now is a good time to prepare or set a preliminary budget and see how much your family is willing to spend. Discuss the style and size of the wedding you want, the guest list and number of people to invite, and who wants to pay for what.
Finally, if you think that either family will not be happy or approve of your decision to marry, it is best that their own child inform them privately. Yes, it is true you will have to deal with your in-laws for the rest of your lives; however, problem parents are still the main responsibility of their own child.
Before either of you announce your engagement to problem parents, be prepared to hear the worst. The worst being that one or both will not attend the wedding or participate in any way. You should be strong, tell your parents you want them to all be there and share in your happiness and you expect them to reconcile their objections for your sake, but if they can’t, so be it. If that’s the case, you will have to plan whatever kind of wedding you can afford without them. Just remember, your commitment to one another is your first priority. None should be permitted to spoil the celebration affirming that promise and commitment.
Now that everyone is informed. It is time to begin the planning. Good Luck!!!
Working Through Mid-Engagement Crisis
Almost every couple, prior to getting engaged, has suffered through some minor conflicts or squabbles. That’s okay, he still asked you to marry him. So the two of you can handle anything, right?
But what happens when you face a seemingly unsurpassable disagreement during your engagement? Oftentimes, stress from wedding planning and families can cause mid-engagement crisis that the couple has never faced before.
Is this the End?
The gut reaction to a major mid-engagement conflict may be to call off the wedding and part ways. He just will never understand you; and he doesn’t even make an effort. She just doesn’t care about your feelings; why should you marry a woman like that!
Even in the heat of anger, however, every couple needs to remember that with marriage will come conflict. The engagement period can be looked at as a “trial-run” to marriage. If you give up now, without an attempt to resolve the issue, you can be assured that any marriage you enter into in the future will be doomed to a similar fate.
Now is the time to learn and grow with your partner.
Identify the Issue
The first step in resolving a major mid-engagement conflict is to identify the true issue. This may take a little time and a lot of soul searching. Spend a day apart and agree to spend time pondering the true reasons for the conflict. Talk to a trusted confidant, but don’t seek advice from every person you know. These people are only remotely involved and may not understand what is truly happening. Or you may “slant” the information in your favor unintentionally because you have not had a chance to think it through completely.
Don’t get caught up in details; focus on the true issues. For example, he forgot to mail the invitations, pick up the marriage license, and pay the deposit for the caterer. The true issue could be that you feel he doesn’t recognize or acknowledge that which is important to you.
Be prepared to compromise or admit fault on your own part. Do not go into the discussion with the attitude that it is entirely your partner’s fault. This will only him to become defensive and no resolution can come from that. If you admit your own vulnerability, your partner is likely to do the same.
With your hectic schedule, maybe you forgot to mention that you would lose the caterer if the deposit was not in by the deadline. Understand that simply asking your partner to do something does not always convey its importance. What is obvious to you may not have been so obvious to him. Don’t be afraid to admit that you assumed he would understand this was top priority. By reaching a compromise and identifying each person’s fault, you are more likely to resolve the issue and not make the same mistake in the future.
Seeking Professional Help
Sometimes, trying to talk through the conflict only makes it worse. This is often because of a communication problem that a professional can help you to identify.
In the past, seeking professional help from “couples therapists” or psychologists was looked down upon. The reason went: if you are having such a difficult time during your engagement that you need a therapist, then how can you have any hope for your marriage.
This type of thinking is outdated and can be destructive to your relationship. Oftentimes, an inability to communicate is at the heart of a couple’s disagreement. Neither partner intentionally ignored or neglected the other. Perhaps one person is not properly communicating that which he is thinking. Or the other person is hearing something other than what is being said. If only the couple could properly communicate and receive the information, they may be able to easily resolve the issue.
This is where a professional therapist can offer assistance. If you still feel uneasy about this option, try viewing it as “preventative” medicine. Learning communication skills now will not only help to resolve the current conflict, but it will teach the couple valuable skills so that they may keep their marriage happy and healthy in the future.
Some differences truly cannot be resolved, and a break-up is inevitable. But by working through the above steps first, you can at least separate knowing you made every effort. You will not have to wonder “what if we had worked on it.”
But what happens when you face a seemingly unsurpassable disagreement during your engagement? Oftentimes, stress from wedding planning and families can cause mid-engagement crisis that the couple has never faced before.
Is this the End?
The gut reaction to a major mid-engagement conflict may be to call off the wedding and part ways. He just will never understand you; and he doesn’t even make an effort. She just doesn’t care about your feelings; why should you marry a woman like that!
Even in the heat of anger, however, every couple needs to remember that with marriage will come conflict. The engagement period can be looked at as a “trial-run” to marriage. If you give up now, without an attempt to resolve the issue, you can be assured that any marriage you enter into in the future will be doomed to a similar fate.
Now is the time to learn and grow with your partner.
Identify the Issue
The first step in resolving a major mid-engagement conflict is to identify the true issue. This may take a little time and a lot of soul searching. Spend a day apart and agree to spend time pondering the true reasons for the conflict. Talk to a trusted confidant, but don’t seek advice from every person you know. These people are only remotely involved and may not understand what is truly happening. Or you may “slant” the information in your favor unintentionally because you have not had a chance to think it through completely.
Don’t get caught up in details; focus on the true issues. For example, he forgot to mail the invitations, pick up the marriage license, and pay the deposit for the caterer. The true issue could be that you feel he doesn’t recognize or acknowledge that which is important to you.
Be prepared to compromise or admit fault on your own part. Do not go into the discussion with the attitude that it is entirely your partner’s fault. This will only him to become defensive and no resolution can come from that. If you admit your own vulnerability, your partner is likely to do the same.
With your hectic schedule, maybe you forgot to mention that you would lose the caterer if the deposit was not in by the deadline. Understand that simply asking your partner to do something does not always convey its importance. What is obvious to you may not have been so obvious to him. Don’t be afraid to admit that you assumed he would understand this was top priority. By reaching a compromise and identifying each person’s fault, you are more likely to resolve the issue and not make the same mistake in the future.
Seeking Professional Help
Sometimes, trying to talk through the conflict only makes it worse. This is often because of a communication problem that a professional can help you to identify.
In the past, seeking professional help from “couples therapists” or psychologists was looked down upon. The reason went: if you are having such a difficult time during your engagement that you need a therapist, then how can you have any hope for your marriage.
This type of thinking is outdated and can be destructive to your relationship. Oftentimes, an inability to communicate is at the heart of a couple’s disagreement. Neither partner intentionally ignored or neglected the other. Perhaps one person is not properly communicating that which he is thinking. Or the other person is hearing something other than what is being said. If only the couple could properly communicate and receive the information, they may be able to easily resolve the issue.
This is where a professional therapist can offer assistance. If you still feel uneasy about this option, try viewing it as “preventative” medicine. Learning communication skills now will not only help to resolve the current conflict, but it will teach the couple valuable skills so that they may keep their marriage happy and healthy in the future.
Some differences truly cannot be resolved, and a break-up is inevitable. But by working through the above steps first, you can at least separate knowing you made every effort. You will not have to wonder “what if we had worked on it.”
Wednesday, April 23, 2008
Engagement Steps
Traditionally, the groom has been known to kneel down on the ground and ask for his love's hand in marriage.
Although this is romantic, times have begun to change. It is acceptable for both of you to go shopping for the engagement ring. With the investments, it is necessary that the woman really loves the style and design of her ring. Furthermore, when both of you shop together, there won't be any confusion on the correct ring size.
Once the engagement is official, the next step is telling your families and friends. This is a very special time in your life, so the news should be told in a unique fashion. Preferably, you should try to tell your family in person, but a special message over the phone is sufficient.
Step for Engagement
~~ 1. Shopping for the perfect ring
~~ 2. Telling your families
~~ 3. Engagement portrait
~~ 4. Write your fiancé parents a letter, telling them how excited you are to become a part of their family.
~~ 5. If you couldn't tell your family in person, try to make arrangements to see them as soon as possible.
~~ 6. Traditionally, the parents of the bride or a close friend will host a party for the couple to officially announce their engagement.
~~ 7. Send invitations
~~ 8. Send thank you notes for all the gifts
~~ 9. Give a thank you gift to the host
Although this is romantic, times have begun to change. It is acceptable for both of you to go shopping for the engagement ring. With the investments, it is necessary that the woman really loves the style and design of her ring. Furthermore, when both of you shop together, there won't be any confusion on the correct ring size.
Once the engagement is official, the next step is telling your families and friends. This is a very special time in your life, so the news should be told in a unique fashion. Preferably, you should try to tell your family in person, but a special message over the phone is sufficient.
Step for Engagement
~~ 1. Shopping for the perfect ring
~~ 2. Telling your families
~~ 3. Engagement portrait
~~ 4. Write your fiancé parents a letter, telling them how excited you are to become a part of their family.
~~ 5. If you couldn't tell your family in person, try to make arrangements to see them as soon as possible.
~~ 6. Traditionally, the parents of the bride or a close friend will host a party for the couple to officially announce their engagement.
~~ 7. Send invitations
~~ 8. Send thank you notes for all the gifts
~~ 9. Give a thank you gift to the host
Planning Your Engagement Party
Particularly for brides with a one-year or longer engagement length, it is not uncommon to have an engagement party with close friends and family. The purpose is to celebrate your engagement with those who are close to you. It is also an opportunity for your bridal party and for families of both the bride and groom to meet each other if they have not done so already.
There are no set rules for who typically hosts the engagement party. The bride and groom can host it. Sometimes the parents of the bride or groom host it. Or a friend or family member can host the event. The formality of the event can range from a simple barbecue to a sit-down dinner in a banquet hall. The tone of the party will depend on the trends in your region, as well as you and your family’s own personal preference.
Typically, the engagement party is held a few months after your engagement and about one year before the wedding date. If kept informal, it can even be combined with other celebrations, such as graduations or family reunions, if part of the purpose is for family to meet and enjoy the moment with the bride and groom.
The guest list can range from just the parents of the bride and groom to whoever is close to you who will also be invited to the wedding. Some engagement parties have been known to have upwards of 80 guests! Usually, the list is limited to those guests who are in the nearby vicinity, as it may be inconvenient for other guests to travel since they will have to for the wedding. Usually written invitations are sent out so that guests can mark their calendar, but if the guest list is short, verbal communication may be all that you need. Either way, you may want to require a response for regrets if you need to keep track of head count and so that you know whom to expect. This could be an RSVP (regrets only) section with a phone number to call in regrets, or it could be a formal response card similar to a wedding invitation.
Food can be simple appetizers, a home cooked meal, a buffet, a barbecue, or a potluck where guests each bring a small plate. If you expect dancing, you may want to have a stereo system handy or hire a DJ for about 4 hours. You can arrange for a guest book and a cake, as well as a few “games” similar to a bridal shower, or more athletic events such as volleyball.
Etiquette dictates that gifts should not be expected at engagement parties. This rule may vary, however, depending on your regional culture. You may want to explicitly state “best wishes only” in your invitations, or by word of mouth, if you do not expect gifts. Some guests will want to bring a gift even if they are not expected to. In these instances, you may want to wait until after the party to open them so as to not make your other guests feel guilty. You will also want to send a thank-you note to those guests who do give you a gift.
If any guests feel compelled to toast, it is not an unusual gesture to do so at the party. It can be a spontaneous gesture and thus does not need to be planned.
There are truly no hard and fast rules for the guest list, formality, food, or setting for your engagement party. Just do what feels right for you, your friends, and your family. Above all else, have a wonderful time and enjoy celebrating your engagement!
There are no set rules for who typically hosts the engagement party. The bride and groom can host it. Sometimes the parents of the bride or groom host it. Or a friend or family member can host the event. The formality of the event can range from a simple barbecue to a sit-down dinner in a banquet hall. The tone of the party will depend on the trends in your region, as well as you and your family’s own personal preference.
Typically, the engagement party is held a few months after your engagement and about one year before the wedding date. If kept informal, it can even be combined with other celebrations, such as graduations or family reunions, if part of the purpose is for family to meet and enjoy the moment with the bride and groom.
The guest list can range from just the parents of the bride and groom to whoever is close to you who will also be invited to the wedding. Some engagement parties have been known to have upwards of 80 guests! Usually, the list is limited to those guests who are in the nearby vicinity, as it may be inconvenient for other guests to travel since they will have to for the wedding. Usually written invitations are sent out so that guests can mark their calendar, but if the guest list is short, verbal communication may be all that you need. Either way, you may want to require a response for regrets if you need to keep track of head count and so that you know whom to expect. This could be an RSVP (regrets only) section with a phone number to call in regrets, or it could be a formal response card similar to a wedding invitation.
Food can be simple appetizers, a home cooked meal, a buffet, a barbecue, or a potluck where guests each bring a small plate. If you expect dancing, you may want to have a stereo system handy or hire a DJ for about 4 hours. You can arrange for a guest book and a cake, as well as a few “games” similar to a bridal shower, or more athletic events such as volleyball.
Etiquette dictates that gifts should not be expected at engagement parties. This rule may vary, however, depending on your regional culture. You may want to explicitly state “best wishes only” in your invitations, or by word of mouth, if you do not expect gifts. Some guests will want to bring a gift even if they are not expected to. In these instances, you may want to wait until after the party to open them so as to not make your other guests feel guilty. You will also want to send a thank-you note to those guests who do give you a gift.
If any guests feel compelled to toast, it is not an unusual gesture to do so at the party. It can be a spontaneous gesture and thus does not need to be planned.
There are truly no hard and fast rules for the guest list, formality, food, or setting for your engagement party. Just do what feels right for you, your friends, and your family. Above all else, have a wonderful time and enjoy celebrating your engagement!
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