Bridesmaid's Guide: Protocol/Etiquette (Part II)

Good manners are made up of petty sacrifices. —Ralph Waldo Emerson

When a friend asks you to be her bridesmaid, realize that she's creating a fantasy and you're invited to join it. Remember when you were very young and played "pretend"? The neighborhood kid with the dominant personality (the bully) got to set the rules. Now you're an adult and the bride is the dominant personality, a princess who will be transformed into a queen during this play. Remember that it's already been established that she gets the hero, so the only way to win this game is to look noble while helping her achieve that perfect day. What if she grossly oversteps all boundaries of friendship and propriety? Why, set her straight. Of course, you'll try diplomacy before guerrilla tactics. Read on.

QUESTIONS AND ANSWERS
Q: I love my cousin dearly, but for her wedding, which is on Halloween, she has chosen orange bridesmaid dresses and green hats. We are supposed to carry a candle instead of flowers. I refuse to be dressed as a pumpkin!
—Spooked in Spokane
A: Dear Spooked,
Not only does this witch expect you to dress like a pumpkin, she's asking you to pay for the privilege. Unless she is planning a very campy wedding—that is, if the officiant is Dra-cula and the groom is going to bite the bride's neck—this costume is inappropriate for a traditional wedding. Alas, you cannot drop out because you hate the dress. If that were permitted, bridesmaids would be extinct.

Enlist the help of her mother and your own to exert subtle familial pressure. Invite the other bridesmaids to your house or schedule a conference call to discuss the regalia. If the other women concur that this attire is hideous, contact the bride and let her know that you all feel uncomfortable. If she still refuses to acquiesce, you've got to remember that this wedding is her dream, and the color and style of dress are a reflection of her taste, not your own. Don't ridicule her and make her feel like a fool. Bite the bullet, wear the dress, and laugh about it later.
Guerrilla tactics we would never recommend: If she insists and the attendants find themselves being fitted in orange tents at the bridal salon, pay an elegant stranger to whisper audibly: "Some brides try so hard to be original, it's just tacky." The elegant stranger's chic friend must murmur, "Yes, it is so sad." If all else fails and you must endure this indignity, don't throw rice at her after the Halloween ceremony. Throw pumpkin seeds.

Q: A good friend has just asked me to be her bridesmaid. Her wedding, to which I was invited, is next week. She told me I am replacing another friend who had to cancel because of an emergency. I feel insulted to be asked to be a member of the wedding party so late. How should I respond?
—Polly Proxy
A: Dear Ms. Polly,
You've been chosen! Forget grievances about being a "second-best" friend and accept. You say the bride is a good friend; welcome this milestone in your relationship, roll up your sleeves and you'll become an even better friend. However, if you're no Pollyanna and can't shake off the feeling that you're just a convenient stand in, go directly to "Just Say No" post. Better to be a cheerful guest than a churlish attendant.

Q: I've been a bridesmaid ten times and, unlike most women I know, I love the entire zany process! A co-worker recently asked if I'd be her bridesmaid. Of course, I accepted in a heartbeat, but now my worry is this: Am I obligated to ask each woman for whom I've been a bridesmaid to be my bridesmaid when I get married? If so, I am going to have to say no to this woman and everyone else until after I've had my own ceremony.
—Madcap Martyr
A: Dear Madcap Martyr,
You are truly one in a million. Doubtless many will be disappointed that they cannot march for you on your triumphant day, but fortunately you are not required to reciprocate the favor of asking someone to be your bridesmaid. Carry on!

Q: Along with five other bridesmaids, I am planning a shower for a bride who is insisting that we invite her father, brothers and fiance. We are livid, as we had planned an afternoon tea, and everyone knows that men won't eat finger sandwiches. We are all busy professionals and don't want to scrap our original plans. How do we satisfy her?
—Teed off in Boston
A: Dear Boston Tea Party,
I daresay that a bride who wants so many males present at such a traditionally female gathering would herself not fully appreciate the pleasures of a tea. If the wedding date allows, throw her shower on Super Bowl Sunday. Either the men won't come at all, or they will come with their own beer and pizza. She can explore both her yin and yang sides as you and the other bridesmaids share scones and lovely Devonshire cream. Remember, this is the one wedding event other than the bachelor party in which the bride has no say! The guest list/activities, and food are at the sole discretion of you and your fellow bridesmaids, who don't have to plan this nice occasion for the bride at all. Pass along this information to your rude bride. You don't have to satisfy her. That's the groom's job.

Q: I am my sister's maid of honor and want to plan her bridal shower, but I have read that the bride's relatives are not supposed to give the shower. Why not? How can I proceed without appearing gauche?
—Feeling Greedy
A: Dear Feeling Greedy,
Traditionally, members of the immediate family are not supposed to give the bridal shower, as it would appear unseemly to solicit gifts for a sister or daughter. However, it is the maid of honor who is officially responsible for the shower, and it is perfectly acceptable for a sister to be the maid of honor. The way out of this quandary is to ask an enthusiastic bridesmaid to be your co-coordinator and mail the invitations under her name.

Q: I am a maid of honor trying to plan a shower for a bride whose mother is already warring with the groom's mother over wedding arrangements. Each has offered to pay for all the shower expenses and has very specific ideas about the kind of shower I should give. How do I handle them?
—The Ref
A: Dear Ms. Ref,
Advise these dueling dowagers that as the maid of honor, you are the general in charge of this congenial function. You can give the bride a wonderful shower on a limited budget (see "The Bridal Shower") that allows you and the other bridesmaids to foot the bill. These women had their chance to serve at least three decades ago.
Accept their money only if they agree to follow your orders. If only for one day, they must be allies. Warn them that your primary goal is to make the bride happy at her shower. If they break their peace treaty, they cannot sit down at the table.

Q: The bride never asked me whether I'd be bringing a date to the wedding. Shall I tell her first, or can I just show up with him?
—Lucky in Love
A: Dear Lucky,
Refrain from surprising the bride, other than with a bridal shower. Ask her if you can bring an escort (see "Your Date," p. 91). Usually, a wedding invitation extends to a spouse or significant other. If she allows you to bring your Romeo, take the quiz on p. 93 before you tell him the good news.

Q: As a bridesmaid, I helped plan and attended one shower for the bride. Now her co-workers have asked me to one that they are giving. Must I go and do I have to buy a second gift?
—Broke in Brooklyn
A: Dear Broke,
It would be nice if you went and met these other friends of the bride, but you do not have to bring a second shower gift. This would be excessive. In addition to the bridal attendants, family friends, colleagues and distant relatives may want to give showers. If several people want to give the bride a shower, they should consult with the bride so she can help divide the guest lists. The shower should be a pleasantly anticipated event, rather than a burden, so nobody should be invited to more than two.

Q: I am the matron of honor for a bride who has been married once before. What kind of shower is suitable?
—Sticky Situation
A: Dear Sticky,
Ask the bride what she wants. She may feel uncomfortable asking friends who participated in her first shower to come to a second, bearing more gifts. Consider a small luncheon. Lavish gifts would be inappropriate and standard house-warming gifts are probably unnecessary.

Q: I've already purchased and paid for the bridesmaid dress that the bride originally selected for her wedding. She has since fallen in love with a new dress and has asked all the bridesmaids to buy this dress also. What can I do?
—Friends with Flaky
A: Dear Friend,
A bride must be compassionate. Her fickleness should not strain your finances. Even if all her bridesmaids can afford another dress, it is wrong. Take her aside and tell her that your budget for her wedding does not allow for a second dress. Unless she wants to pay for this dress, regretfully state that you are going to have to drop out of the wedding party.

Q: I am Jewish and will be a bridesmaid at my friend's Catholic wedding. Am I supposed to participate in the religious part of the ceremony?
—Clueless in Cleveland
A: Dear Clueless,
Yes, the attendants are supposed to take part in the ceremony, even if the attendant belongs to another faith. You may not take communion or drink from the chalice, but you should join in the prayer and kneel, stand, kneel, stand with all the other guests in the church.

Q: The bride and groom are both recently graduated students. I'd like to give them cash, but heard that this is not appropriate as a wedding present. Can I break the rules?
—Practical in Poughkeepsie
A: Dear Practical,
The argument against cash has always been that it is wrong for the bride and groom to know the monetary value of your gift. Well, don't they also know the dollar amount for every item for which they've registered? We dismiss this etiquette rule as outdated and say that money is a practical, always happily accepted gift; has it ever been exchanged because it was the wrong color?

Q: I saw a crystal vase that I would like to buy for the bride and groom, but it was at a store where they are not registered. The bride grows roses and I think this vase would look spectacular in their new home. Can I still buy it for them?
—Dream Guest
A: Dear Guest,
Yes. The best gifts are the ones chosen with care and given with love in your heart. This sounds like that kind of gift.

Being a bridesmaid can strain a friendship, or it can bring two friends closer together. At times your duties will feel anachronistic, but there is nothing old-fashioned about supporting a friend. Who needs etiquette and good manners? We all do. They are the basis for wonderful friendships that reward you with comfort and happiness all your life—including the day you get to enact your own long-held wedding fantasy!

ANECDOTES
The Good

• A Connecticut bride eloped at the last minute, exasperated by the bickering between her mother and the groom's mother over the wedding plans. She made arrangements with the bridal boutique to buy back her attendant's gowns and then sent them each a bouquet of tea roses—the flowers they were supposed to hold during the ceremony.
• A New Jersey bride planned a very extravagant wedding complete with haute couture bridesmaid gowns, recognized the economic burden she had placed on one of her less financially able bridesmaids, and discreetly offered to cover part of her expenses. The offer was gratefully accepted.
• A reluctant bridesmaid from Los Angeles gave up her Fourth of July weekend to fly to Houston for her college roommate's wedding. At the rehearsal dinner she was seated next to an usher who was also from Los Angeles. Fireworks ensued and they were married two years later during the Fourth of July weekend in their own city.
• One Manhattan bridesmaid, short on cash from living in the fast lane, was able to negotiate a lay-a-way plan with the sympathetic store owner with whom the bride made arrangements for the bridesmaids' gowns. This arrangement made it possible for her to proudly fulfill her bridesmaid's duties and pay Con Ed.
• A young single rabbi was asked to perform the marriage ceremony for one of the couples in his congregation. At the wedding, the father of the bride invited the Rabbi to stay for the reception and introduced him to his other daughter—the maid of honor. A match was made and they were married the next year!
• After catching her third consecutive bouquet at a friend's wedding, a frustrated Philadelphia bridesmaid vowed never to participate in the useless ritual again. Later that year, as a bridesmaid in a college roommate's wedding, she was cajoled into participating in the dreaded toss. Once again, she was victorious. She cringed at the idea of having to endure some lout placing the garter on her leg and watched the garter toss in agony. The winner? The groom's handsome roommate from Yale law school. As he moved the garter up her thigh, her body temperature rose. The two were married within the year.

The Bad

• In Manhattan, a maid of honor who was trying to plan a shower with the bride's future sister-in-law became incensed when the relative never returned any of her phone calls. She ultimately mailed out the shower invitations without listing the girl's name alongside her own for the R.S.V.P. The groom called her to complain and told her to apologize to his sister.
• During a postceremony photo session, a gushing Michigan bridesmaid holding a glass of wine went to congratulate the bride. An excited guest ran up behind her, and threw his arms out to embrace them both. He knocked the wine all over the front of the bride's gown—before she even had a chance to greet any of her guests! The moral? Always serve white wine at a wedding reception.
• After the processional to the chupah at a Boston wedding, one matron of honor took it upon herself to entertain the guests during the ceremony with a Charleston jig. She was ostracized during the reception.
• A Southern bridesmaid visiting up North didn't understand the nickname "Denise the Menace" given to a sweet-looking, towheaded flower girl. During pictures before the ceremony, when the visiting bridesmaid was asked to hold the flower girl, the child bit her.
• One Dallas bride arranged for a hairdresser to come to her hotel room and do both her and her bridesmaids' hair. A selfish bridesmaid was unhappy with her coif and insisted that the hairdresser style her hair again and again until she was satisfied. The bride was still waiting her turn. Eventually, the bride had to do her own hair.
• A Miami bridesmaid was asked to wear a bright banana-yellow dress, and was told at the rehearsal that the processional would consist of dancing down the aisle, in a traditional ethnic ceremony. (And you were worried you'd slip ...)

And the Ugly

• A bewildered Rhode Island bridesmaid was stranded on the dance floor in the middle of the first waltz when her partner, the usher who had escorted her down the aisle, was hauled away by his 300-pound date as she hissed that he'd been "too willing."
• One New York bridesmaid didn't leave enough time to drive to a wedding in Boston. She got stuck in traffic and arrived five minutes before she was due for pictures. Having planned to primp at the hotel, she ultimately had to go to the wedding unshowered!
• A Kentucky bride received a cocker spaniel puppy from her groom. She asked her maid of honor to hold "Cupcake" while she had her hair done. The dog wet on the maid of honor's gown. The bride laughed and commented that the dog was as nervous as his mistress. As for the urine-soaked gown, she joked, "Well, the show must go on!"
• During a bouquet toss at a Boston wedding, a group of young unmarried women eagerly awaited the pitch. When the bouquet was thrown, a sixtyish woman who had been through a recent bitter divorce dashed in front of the maidens, snatched the bouquet, and shouted, "I need this more than you!"
• One New York City maid of honor, the sister of the bride, organized a surprise engagement party at a renowned hotel and informed guests it would be a cash bar. Appropriately, she wrote "no gifts" on the invitation, then called certain friends of the bride to tell them that the "no gifts" request didn't apply to them, and they really shouldn't come "empty-handed."

Bridesmaid's Guide: Protocol/Etiquette (Part I)

[Etiquette is] a substitute for war.
—elbert hubbard

Imagine yourself at an elegant French restaurant with the handsome, smart guy you've been dating for several months. He's meeting your parents for the first time. Suddenly he picks up the flower vase, tosses the blooms, and replenishes his water glass with the contents of the vase. You're flabbergasted and horrified. You think, "Who is this guy? What other bizarre behavior will he treat me to if I stick around?"

Sometimes even the most intelligent and sensible people get a little nervous when the spotlight is on them. Combine scrutiny with flashbulbs and a finger bowl and suddenly they're acting as if they were raised in a barn. You laugh—but at a wedding, this could be you. One certain way to avoid socially short-circuiting and making a spectacle of yourself is to rely on your good breeding (or just follow our advice).

Growing up, you were taught everything you needed to know about table manners and how to be a charming weekend guest, but chances are your mother or other legal guardian let wedding etiquette slide. Now that the wedding invitations outnumber the J. Crew catalogs in your mailbox, you find yourself wondering if it's crass to give cash as a gift and whether it is acceptable to have a date accompany you. As a wedding guest, you can often get by on common sense and with some advice-seeking phone calls. But the day you receive The Call, the questions multiply and issues of dignity loom. Good wishes and a mail-order gift won't suffice. The time has come for a new level of professionalism. As a bridesmaid, you've got to do more than show up.

You've got to behave.
A wedding is the bride and groom's Big Day, but all eyes are on the entire wedding party. A not-so-funny thing can happen when you put on a dress that's been picked out especially for you—and five other girls. You may feel a lot more like window dressing than the beloved friend the bride wanted to include in her wedding. Fears of resembling decoration understandably lead to feelings of vulnerability and anxiety. You may be seized with an urgency to assert your individuality. Perhaps you'll roar into the church parking lot on your Harley-Davidson while the bells are chiming, or nuzzle the priest on the dance floor, or pull out your harmonica and jam with the band. Forget it. Stand out by knowing the drill and performing it with grace. This is what breeding is about. It doesn't shout, it shows.

THE WELL-MANNERED BRIDESMAID
Manners adorn knowledge, and smooth its way through the world. —Lord Chesterfield
Protocol? Etiquette? No, these are not concepts that became outmoded when Eisenhower left office. They are virtually synonymous. Protocol is a code, established by precedence. It is a rule that you can memorize and follow. Etiquette is the conduct prescribed by authority to be observed in social or official life. Etiquette and protocol are traditional rules of behavior established over generations. These social codes impose order on a complex world and remind people to interact honorably and with sensitivity. You learn etiquette at home, by watching and mimicking role models. You exercise etiquette—good manners—with the help of instinct, sound judgment, and your heart. The rules of etiquette may sometimes seem inflexible, but should be viewed as a helpful road map across unfamiliar territory, or simply the double yellow line on a road well traveled. As a blue-blooded race-car driver once observed, protocol tells you how to put the wheel on the axle, etiquette is the grease that makes the wheel spin, and good manners inspire the winner of the race to shake hands with the other drivers. Protocol tells you through which door to make an entrance; etiquette tells you how and to whom you introduce yourself once you are inside. The warmth of your introduction and the personalized gift you thought to bring are the admirable manners that get you invited back. Get it? Protocol and etiquette can be diagrammed; manners makes elegant use of the diagram, doesn't flaunt the diagram, and never embarrasses others who don't have it. Traditions change, but what follows are some protocol basics for bridesmaids to remember, along with ABCs that distinguish well-mannered bridesmaids from the ill-mannered.

1. The prospective bridesmaid responds to the bride's invitation to be a member of the wedding party if not immediately, as promptly as possible. As soon as she has a wedding date in mind, the bride is obligated to inform as many family members and close friends as she can, so no one feels slighted by hearing the exciting news secondhand. When the bride makes these calls, she asks some individuals to be attendants. Therefore, help her out by giving her an answer as quickly as you can.

• An assenting bridesmaid first asks the bride to give her an estimation of the costs involved and has checked her bank account to ensure it can withstand the financial burden of the mission.
• The ambitious prospective bridesmaid inquires about the number of single men who will be at the wedding before confirming that she can participate.

2. The bridesmaid is not expected to respond to the wedding invitation she receives. As she has agreed to be a bridesmaid, it is understood that she will be at the wedding. The invitation is sent to be kept as a memento.

• A beloved bridesmaid includes the invitation at the end of a personalized scrapbook she presents to the bride at the shower,
• The battle-weary bridesmaid throws the invitation into a drawer with her diaphragm, her condoms, and the fifteen other wedding invitations that have arrived in the mail this year.

3. Bridesmaids pay for their own dresses, accessories, and travel expenses. The bride should make lodging available for out-of-town attendants with nearby relatives and friends, and arrange for group rates at a local hotel. If a bridesmaid prefers to stay at the local hotel, she is responsible for her bill.

• A generous bride may help her bridesmaid with some of these expenses. If the bride's maiden name is Hilton or Marriott, her attendants ought to concern themselves with room service rather than room rates.
• A cost-conscious bridesmaid cheerfully accepts the accommodations at Aunt Dora's home and sleeps in a bunk bed.
• The cheap bridesmaid totals her expenses and deducts this sum from the price of what she will spend on the wedding gift.

4. Bridesmaids wear the dress the bride has chosen for her wedding attendants. Ideally, the bride has selected three styles from which her attendants can chose.

• A diplomatic bridesmaid sensibly steers the bride toward an attractive dress that is affordable for all attendants.
• The determined bridesmaid insists on the dress that is most flattering to her figure; the wedding is her opportunity to meet her future husband.

5. Bridesmaids assure the bride that the dress they must wear is a vision of couture, especially when compared to other bridesmaid dresses they've seen or had to wear previously.

• An economical bridesmaid already knows the name of the consignment shop that will resell the dress for her.
• The environmentally conscious bridesmaid recycles the gown as a scarecrow for her vegetable garden and forgets to remove it before the bride comes over for tea after her honeymoon.
  

6. Bridesmaids organize and pay for the bridal shower.

• A frugal bridesmaid comparison-shops for the caterer that will give them the biggest bang for their buck.
• The forgetful bridesmaid never booked the private room at the restaurant where the shower is being held.

7. Bridesmaids defer to the maid of honor in matters of planning the bridal shower.

• A gracious bridesmaid offers useful suggestions about place, theme, and guest list.
• The grudging bridesmaid shows up late to indicate her displeasure with the early hour set for the shower, and spikes, the punch because nobody else wanted mimosas.

8. Bridesmaids cooperate with each other.

• A harmonious bridesmaid exchanges her phone number with the other attendants and goes with the flow.
• The halfhearted bridesmaid doesn't know the names of her comrades. The hell-bent bridesmaid treats every detail as a matter of life and death.

9. Bridesmaids assist the bride with wedding-related errands and, if the bride is not having a calligrapher address her invitations, may help address them by hand.

• An indefatigable bridesmaid offers to pick up the helium tank' for the reception party balloons with her Ford Explorer when she hears that all the ushers drive Miatas.
• The inept bridesmaid takes her car to the repair shop the week before the wedding, owns a broken answering machine, and leaves traces of her lipstick on each envelope that she seals.

10. Bridesmaids participate in all pre-wedding parties and wedding-related functions. These may include an engagement party, the bridal shower, a luncheon for the bridesmaids, a rehearsal dinner, and a breakfast the morning after the wedding.

• A joyful bridesmaid is always punctual and ready with a camera to record those special moments.
• The jealous bridesmaid is available only for the wedding ceremony, or attends only some of the functions, making it amply clear to all other participants the many appointments she had to juggle to make her presence possible. She, not the bride, is the star.

11. Bridesmaids entertain the bride on the night when the groom is at his bachelor's party.

• A kindly bridesmaid arranges a lovely dinner for the bride at her favorite restaurant.
• The kinky bridesmaid pays a gorgeous fireman to show up at the bride's door after her lovely dinner.

12. Bridesmaids assuage the bride's last-minute misgivings about her future husband.

• A loyal bridesmaid tells the bride that her jitters are natural.
• The lethal bridesmaid reveals rumors she's heard about the groom's infidelities.

13. Bridesmaids arrive at the dressing site two hours before the ceremony and assist the bride with her gown and grooming preparation.

• A meticulous bridesmaid arranges a carpool with other attendants and brings a survival kit with extra stockings, clear nail polish, and other necessities.
• The messy bridesmaid shows up late with her dog in tow.

14. Bridesmaids sign the wedding guest book.

• A noteworthy bridesmaid neatly signs her name and records a personal remark that the bride will always treasure.
• The nosy bridesmaid flips through the book and reads everyone else's entry while other guests wait to add their own names and good wishes.

15. Bridesmaids arrive dressed at the ceremony site one hour before the wedding for photographs.

• An optimistic bridesmaid smiles charmingly on command so the session doesn't last two hours.
• The obnoxious bridesmaid wears false eyelashes that flutter in the breeze and perfume that makes everyone sneeze.

16. Bridesmaids walk behind ushers in order of height during the processional, either in pairs or in single file.

• A poised bridesmaid stands straight and smiles without fail.
• The political bridesmaid refuses to walk behind an usher and carries her bouquet like a firearm.

17. Bridesmaids stand to the left of the maid of honor and slightly behind her during the ceremony, facing the officiant.

• A qualified bridesmaid knows to be quiet while she listens to the cherished words that the bride and groom exchange during the ceremony.
• The quixotic bridesmaid recites the vows that she would have written.

18. Bridesmaids are escorted out by the ushers (to each usher's right) immediately following the maid of honor and the best man during the recessional.

• A reasonable bridesmaid adjusts her pace to that of the couple in front of her and trusts that her escort will do the same.
• The reproachful bridesmaid trips herself on the dress she didn't want to pay a tailor to hem and hisses at her companion to slow down.

19. Bridesmaids stand to the left of the maid of honor in the receiving line (optional). Check with the bride; she may ask that her bridesmaids circulate among the guests instead.

• A sociable bridesmaid greets each guest with warm words of welcome.
• The shocking bridesmaid offers guests unsolicited comments about the suitability of the nuptial match and, while gulping from her glass, apologizes that the champagne is Californian and not French.

20. Bridesmaids compliment the mother of the bride on how youthful she looks.

• A thoughtful bridesmaid opines that the mother of the bride can still fit into the gown she wore on her wedding day.
• The toxic bridesmaid asks her who does her collagen injections.

21. Bridesmaids sit next to the ushers at the head table in alternating seats. At the head table where the wedding party is seated, there should be place cards.

• An understanding bridesmaid does not tap her glass incessantly with her silverware, demanding that the bride and groom kiss for the crowd.
• The unrestrained bridesmaid switches placecards so she is seated next to the sexiest usher, then removes the satin ribbon from her napkin and ties the usher's wrist to his chair.

22. Bridesmaids do not react inappropriately to sentimental toasts.

• A vigilant bridesmaid never yawns while the father of the bride drones on nostalgically about his little girl who has grown up.
• The vampish bridesmaid winks at the groom as he toasts his new wife.

23. Bridesmaids may offer a toast, but only after the best man's toast, the groom's toast to his bride, and words from the bride, parents, and relatives.

• A witty bridesmaid composes a clever and short poem to wish the bride and groom a loving and prosperous future together.
• The wanton bridesmaid reveals that she and the groom played Spin the Bottle in junior high and that she hopes his technique has improved since then.

24. Bridesmaids dance with ushers and other important guests.

• A Xenon dance-clubbing bridesmaid foxtrots with the bride's groping fifteen-year-old brother, makes the bride's grandfather feel like Fred Astaire, and comes equipped with a pair of rubber-soled flats.
• The xenophobic bridesmaid refuses to dance with men she doesn't' know. The X-rated bridesmaid wants to lambada stripped down to her black leather G-string.

25. Bridesmaids tell the bride repeatedly that she has never looked so radiant and everything is perfect.

• A yielding 'bridesmaid allows the bride to be the center of attention.
• The yearning bridesmaid asks, "What about me?"

26. Bridesmaids circulate among the guests and act as deputy-hostesses.

• A zealous bridesmaid makes a point of engaging any guest who is standing alone in light, friendly conversation and setting him or her at ease.
• The Zen bridesmaid sits quietly by herself meditating.

27. Bridesmaids encourage single women to participate in the bouquet-tossing ceremony. This usually takes place in the last half hour of the reception.

• An altruistic bridesmaid allows charity cases optimum catch position.
• The aggressive bridesmaid body-checks any female over fifteen who gets between her and a fistful of flying lilies.

28. Like any other guest, the bridesmaid has a year to give the couple a wedding present.

• Sometimes, it makes sense to wait a year. If the couple is buying a new home, they'll appreciate receiving gifts at their new address. A bullish bridesmaid buys the newly weds four place settings, anticipating the needs of a young family.
• Sometimes, it makes sense to wait a year. You never know— what do you think their chances are! The bookie bridesmaid calculates the couple's odds of staying together and indiscreetly collects for the pot.

Having a grasp of wedding etiquette is essential to your survival as a bridesmaid. The bridesmaid of good character understands that her performance speaks volumes about her respect and love for the bride. She'll use these guidelines to express her awareness about the bride's special concerns and needs at this tumultuous time, and to complete her mission with grace and ease. When in doubt, assess the circumstances, and refer to the codes you have memorized. Decide upon the most common-sensical and kind solution, take action, and keep a sense of humor. No matter how intimidated you are by the shifting moods of the bride or the demands of her tyrannical mother, you'll breathe easier knowing that there are certain unchanging rules with which you've armed yourself before entering the strange and chaotic world they've constructed, which probably feels like a jungle.

Ultimate Wedding: Gay Wedding Etiquette, Equivalents and Encores

Two Weddings
Q. A young couple who lived together for a year and then were married in a civil ceremony at the courthouse have just—six months later— issued invitations to a large, formal church wedding and all of the additional traditional accompaniments—rehearsal dinner, reception at the country club, etc. They are being advised and encouraged by their parents, who should know better. I am only a friend, but it hurts to hear the critical, and sometimes cruel, comments being made about this plan. Many people treat it as a joke, or say it is just a way to get the presents not received after the private civil ceremony. Are two such weddings proper? It seems odd to me. Perhaps I am way behind the times.

A. Miss Ultimate Wedding, too, finds it is extremely odd that the wedding, as a social event, has become increasingly divorced, if one may use that term, from the actual marriage ceremony. What your friends did is not unique. Weddings are commonly being held now for already-married couples, with various explanations. If it is during the first year, they say that the necessity of having the actual ceremony earlier (more usually for reasons of taxes than pregnancy, which seems to be no longer in the urgent category) didn't give them time to plan the party. If it is even longer after that, they say that the original wedding wasn't the wedding of their dreams, or, if it was, that they want to renew this dream.

Miss Ultimate Wedding can understand the ceremonial yearning, if you will. But the idea of satisfying it totally aside from the reality of the sacred and legal union at the heart of it gives the couple a sort of unpleasant air of entitlement. Surely, the sentiment connected with the real exchange of vows ought to be powerful enough to remain unique, however simply it was done, and whatever festive parties are later given in celebration of it.

In other words, there is nothing wrong with a newly married couple giving a later reception or dinner, however formal they wish it to be, or for a couple married longer to have a fancy anniversary party. Of course they want to celebrate their marriage with family and friends in an elaborate way.

When guests find that they have been invited to a wedding that turns out to be only a reenactment, they do feel that some sort of fraud is being perpetrated. Mind you, Miss Ultimate Wedding does not approve of such carping. Those who are fond of the couple should participate in what is offered and those who are not should politely decline. But she does understand why they do not feel the same solemnity that they do about witnessing two people actually joining themselves in marriage.

Gay Wedding Etiquette
Q. My wife and I have been invited to the Episcopal commitment ceremony of a male couple. I work with one of the gentlemen and my wife and I have entertained the couple many times over the years. We are honored to witness the union of these fine people, but are unsure of the etiquette surrounding a same-sex ceremony. Specifically, are gifts expected? Where does one sit? Are grade-school-age children permitted? My wife suggests that when in doubt, we defer to the etiquette of traditional weddings. Is this advised?

A. As this ceremony is intended to simulate a wedding, you would do well to follow your wife's suggestion of following the etiquette observed at weddings. Since weddings are public ceremonies, the first rule is not to get too interested in the sexual angle. So stop worrying about which is the bride's side and which the bridegroom's. Besides, as you are friends of both, it wouldn't matter. Sit where an usher indicates or where you find places.

One should never bring uninvited guests anywhere. If your children were not invited, they should not attend, no matter what their age. No one is ever supposed to expect presents, although Miss Ultimate Wedding has heard enough of such expectations to last a lifetime. But as these people are your friends, she imagines you will want to send them something to commemorate the occasion.

The Mock Wedding
Q. My daughter and her fiance are planning a public "ceremony" with family and close friends in attendance, at which time they will share their vows of love and commitment for one another. They do not plan to legally wed.

What is the procedure in this situation—how is the announcement/invitation worded? Are showers/gifts appropriate? I am totally in the dark on this one. Any light you can shed would be gratefully received.

A. Goodness gracious, if these people haven't gone and reinvented the mock wedding! Miss Ultimate Wedding has always said that if you live long enough, you will see everything come back into fashion, no matter how foolish.
The mock wedding was a staple of nineteenth-century melodrama, although its antecedents are more ancient. Traditionally, it was planned by the bridegroom, with the aid of some rascally friends, in order to delude the bride into thinking she had been legally wed. The custom was for the bridegroom to point out to her shortly afterward— sometimes the next morning—that she was not and to bid her adieu. Showers, gifts, invitations, and announcements were all unnecessary.
When the bride is in on the planning, as in this case, the mock wedding seems to lose its point. Why simulate a wedding in order to have two people announce in public that they are in love? Can't they just carve their initials on a tree like everyone else?

The Repeat Wedding
There seem to be an increasing number of people around who want to have second weddings without all the fuss and expense of divorce. So they are staging repeat weddings, in which, as long-married couples, they "renew" or "reaffirm" their wedding vows, with varying amounts of bridal trimming.
Considering the state of marriage nowadays, Miss Ultimate Wedding would like to congratulate these couples. She would also like to inject a note of caution about their desire to elicit more than congratulations from their friends.
An established married couple should not lightly ask others to shower them with bridal honors—as opposed simply to attending an anniversary party—just because they have lived happily ever after. That is, after all, what they promised to do the first time.

It may not seem fair that those who stage repeated weddings with different partners have glutted the market, but the patience of potential wedding guests has been sorely tried. At the very least, a repeat wedding should be a decent interval after the original one—preferably measured in quarters of centuries.
The rule about inviting people to wedding renewals is the opposite of that for first weddings: At first weddings, the more elaborate the arrangements, the more people you can invite. At repeats, one's entire circle of friends can be invited to a party given after the simple participation in a religious service, or during which the vows are just spoken, almost as if the couple were toasting each other.

If there is to be a serious restaging, only people who are very closely and dearly attached to the couple, such as their descendants, the original bridal party, and really intimate friends, should be expected to think them charming in their original wedding clothes—or the outfits they had always wanted but couldn't afford when they were young.

This brings Miss Ultimate Wedding to the motivation for restaging a wedding, when one can have all the festivities of a celebration without the ceremonial repetition. She supposes that the most endearing reason for wanting a repeat wedding is to act on the lovely sentiment of "I'd marry you all over again today." After all, most people married that long were married in an era when one had to take a leap of faith without knowing the other person's daily household habits. Another reason may be that a couple had omitted the religious ceremony, which they now want to celebrate. Miss Ultimate Wedding can also imagine that couples whose wedding vows got damaged and then repaired might crave a formal fresh start.

Miss Ultimate Wedding is aware that she antagonizes people by her lack of enthusiasm for the newly popular renewal-of-vows ceremonies, in a time when congratulations seem in order for every week that a married couple actually manages to stay married. But however often wedding vows are broken, they are still serious vows, made for the length of life itself. They are not limited business contracts, with options to renew every year. To remake an eternal vow after only one year seems to make a joke out of the permanence that the marriage vow states.

Miss Ultimate Wedding should not have to caution decent people that one does not have a repeat wedding as a fund-raising drive for one's favorite cause—such as a trip one could not otherwise afford to take, or a pension to continue the marriage. She does have to warn those who are properly horrified that the event might be taken for such that there is only one correct way to head off making guests feel obligated to send presents for an announced repeat wedding or anniversary party and that is to issue party invitations—formal or informal—without telling people in advance what the occasion is. They will be pleasantly surprised when they get there, and will keep murmuring, "I wish I'd known—I would have liked to get you something," but that is not to be taken literally.

The Fifty-Year-Old Wedding
Q. My parents did not have a traditional wedding, since they eloped, and therefore my mother wants as many of the trappings of a regular wedding as she can get for their fiftieth wedding anniversary. Their plans include having six of the youngest grandchildren (age four to twelve) walk up the aisle, dressed in coordinating, but not matching, outfits. She'd like my sister, my brother and me walking up the aisle in procession, but I felt that our position in the front pew and participating in a reading during the Mass would be more appropriate. When she started talking about whether her original maid of honor or I, as elder daughter, should "stand for her" I began to think this has gone too far. My dad has just asked my brother to "stand for him" as his original best man is deceased.

I understand my mother's motivation, but I'd like to know how one draws the line in good taste between what's appropriate for a Golden Anniversary and what's just plain silly—as is my mother's hinting at wearing a veil. I don't want to begrudge my parents their legitimate cause to celebrate, but even my father has begun to wonder what is appropriate here.

A. After many years in this trade, Miss Ultimate Wedding is only now beginning to realize the hold the ritual of the formal wedding has over the American female imagination. Rather than being merely one ceremonial choice among many proper and traditional choices of styles in which to be married, the formal wedding is thought of, obsessively, as an entitlement. Not only do those who were unable to be married formally seem to count this as a permanent lack in their lives, but those who made another deliberate choice—who eloped or married informally because that is what they wanted at the time—also feel that the world owes them a formal wedding.
So here we have your mother, after fifty years of successful marriage, out to collect her place in a ritual to which she believes every lady who marries is entitled. And she is far from alone in this yearning. Superfluous wedding ceremonies on the part of people who are already married are becoming astonishingly common.
The formal wedding ceremony presupposed a young lady, shyly veiled and surrounded by her girlhood friends, going from her father's household to her bridegroom's. While we retain an affection for these forms, to make them apply to obviously independent ladies, there is such a thing as stretching it too far.

Like you, Miss Ultimate Wedding finds your mother's hopes slightly ridiculous. The bathos of a respectable older lady publicly revealing her dream of appearing as a young bride, is bound to seem foolish, however touching it may also be.

There is, then, a trade-off between pleasing your mother and subjecting her to ridicule. The family should try to gauge whether this event will be taken in a sympathetic spirit by those whom they propose to invite. Meanwhile, Miss Ultimate Wedding is thinking of revoking new couples' freedom to declare that they don't want any wedding fuss and to be married without such trappings. It creates too much trouble for the rest of us later on down, the line. Then, too, people who underwent elaborate weddings seem to have acquired some sense of proportion about it all: Many of them claim that they wished they had eloped.

Ultimate Wedding: Canceled Wedding

Should the whole thing seem to be more trouble than it is worth, the wedding is called off with no more illuminating explanation than a dignified, "It was a mutual decision—we have the highest esteem for each other." If formal invitations have been issued, they must be formally recalled:

Mr. and Mrs. Greatly Relieved announce that the marriage of their daughter Darling Airhead to Mr. Fortune Hunter will not take place

If wedding announcements have been engraved or printed, thrifty Miss Ultimate Wedding suggests you make use of them by correcting them with a pen so that they read:

Mr. and Mrs. Greatly Relieved have the honour of announcing that the marriage of their daughter Darling Airhead to
Mr. Fortune Hunter will not take place

The Response to a Canceled Wedding
Q. Gould you please advise this gentle reader on the appropriate response one should make to receiving an announcement of a wedding being canceled? The wedding had been planned for years, was to be very large and formal, and was canceled one week before the date. There was a formally printed announcement mailed out.
It seems that some response on the part of the recipient is warranted; however, this seems like a land mine for etiquette errors. If one calls the bride, it may put her in an awkward position of feeling that she has to offer some sort of explanation. To not respond in some way seems cold and uncaring.

A. It is indeed an etiquette land mine that you describe and Miss Ultimate Wedding is always grateful to those who chart new territory for her. The least she can do is to help you find your way back.

At least one of the parties involved—erstwhile bride, bridegroom, or a parent—is a friend of yours. Rather than placing a call, which you astutely realize might be awkward, dash off a note to your friend saying "I wish you (or Natasha or Calvin) all the best, and would love to see you." A reintroduction to normal social life, with no explanations required, would doubtless be welcome.

The Broken Engagement
Q. I'm in love with the man I was once engaged to. Our plans were put on hold because he had a problem that arose from the past with his ex-girlfriend and resulted in marriage. We are still seeing each other and very much in love. He wants out, but due to his financial situation, he's not stable enough to move out at this time. But he is in the process of taking care of this financial problem.
To me, it's taking a long time. It's been eight months and there are no children involved. Just recently, we decided not to see each other until he's out of this situation because several of our plans were canceled due to this. We call from time to time, keeping communication. I'm only going to give him one and a half months to take care of this, but I did not tell him that.

A. A man who persuaded his fiancee that he loves her but has had to solve a little problem by temporarily marrying someone else may well have broken some etiquette rules. It's just difficult for Miss Ultimate Wedding to find the shards in all that moral debris.

If the question now is whether you are breaking any by rescuing yourself, the answer is no. One can hardly dissolve an engagement more thoroughly than he did, so you have been relieved of any obligations.

Returning the Ring
Q. My son received money from my husband and me for graduation from college and used it for an engagement ring for his fiancee. Several months later, she did some things to hurt him, so he called off the engagement, four months before the wedding date. Being a spoiled rich girl, the fiancee had put her wedding invitations on "rush order" in hopes he would change his mind when the invitations were received.

To make a long story short, they have not reconciled and he says they never will get married. He has asked her for the ring back, but she said her mother told her to keep it, as it is the least my son could do after all the expense to her family in preparation for the wedding.

A. Miss Ultimate Wedding is afraid that it never occurred to etiquette to pass a rule against rushing the wedding invitations in a desperate attempt to hoodwink a reluctant bridegroom. But it strikes her as rather a nasty idea to invite innocent people to a doomed wedding, so she is willing to issue the rule now.

There certainly is a rule that a lady whose engagement is broken returns the ring. This was found necessary precisely to counter that unpleasant urge to grab whatever assets are at hand, so to speak, and to encourage jilted ladies to maintain the more acceptable posture of scorning a token from someone who has proven unworthy. Unfortunately, etiquette does not have a police force to send in to enforce this. Should the gentleman wish to pursue the matter, you must consult the less subtle form of encouraging polite behavior known as the law.

Keeping the Wedding Presents
Q. I have always understood that when a wedding does not take place as planned, wedding and shower gifts are returned. But what if the wedding is called off and yet the couple sets up housekeeping together anyway?

In the case I know, the presents were kept and seem to be regarded by the couple as housewarming gifts for the new house that they have bought. I have received a thank-you letter telling me how nice my gift looks in their home and assuring me that they appreciate my kindness as they "embark on their new life together."
Frankly, my idea of a housewarming gift is a bottle of wine, not the silver and china that we were asked to select from the bride-to-be's register at a local store. I know I sound like a prude or a tightwad, but this seems wrong to me.

A. Miss Ultimate Wedding isn't crazy about it, either. Wedding presents should be returned if a wedding is called off. She presumes that the couple's not-very-nice rationale is that the engagement was not exactly broken. Rather, the clock has been turned back to a preengage-ment state of courtship which may or may not progress to a wedding. If it does, send them a lot of good wishes unaccompanied by a package.

Ultimate Wedding: Reception

The two styles of menus for wedding guests are Dainty and Heartburn. Dainty, which can be little more than finger sandwiches, wedding cake, and champagne or punch, is rather chic and a whole lot cheaper. Nevertheless Miss Ultimate Wedding does not advise administering this to families coming from one of the many traditions that consider that a wedding from which the guests don't reel away holding their bloated tummies does not constitute a real marriage.

Within those choices, the time of day is what counts. Are these people going to be starving? A morning or noon wedding is followed by a wedding breakfast, which in the inscrutable manner of etiquette means a luncheon. An afternoon wedding requires only teatime fare. The increasingly popular evening wedding does call for dinner, which makes it a poor choice for a limited budget.

The Long Wait
Q. At one wedding we attended, we waited for two hours at the reception and the bride and groom showed up as we were leaving. They were joyriding in their rented limousine. At another, we waited an hour and a half while pictures were taken. My mother (who was once kept waiting three hours at a wedding reception) told me that in her day, photos were taken a week in advance so that delays were avoided. We can't figure out what has changed.

A. What has changed is the concept that guests are guests. These people seem to think of them more as a background crowd, with nothing better to do than to stand around until there is something at which to gawk. The first couple preferred to entertain themselves, rather than their guests, and the second wedding was aimed at posterity, rather than those in attendance. That their victims don't retaliate by simply going home when they are ignored is a miracle of manners.

The Receiving Line
Q. I feel that a receiving line at the wedding ceremony or reception is unnecessary—that greeting the guests individually at the reception is more personal. Several of my coworkers believe that the traditional receiving line is mandatory for the 250 guests who will be attending our wedding.

A. Let's say that you got Miss Ultimate Wedding to agree with you. "All right," she would declare, "no receiving line, provided you make guarantees that the key figures of the wedding will all greet every single one of those 250 guests personally, making absolutely sure not to miss any."

How would this be managed? Well, the bride, bridegroom and at least some of the parents, as hosts, would all have to stand by the door to be sure to get everyone entering. Poof! You have reinvented the receiving line. Now perhaps you can tell Miss Ultimate Wedding why the very name of such a practical and hospitable institution frightens people.

The Receiving-Line Order
Q. My husband and I are giving my stepson a small wedding reception soon, and need your advice on receiving-line etiquette. Both the bride's parents and the groom's parents are divorced and are either remarried or seriously involved with another. The reception is small, only fifty to seventy-five people. It is formal, with candlelight dining. My husband is paying for most of the expenses. The bride's mother is also contributing. The bride's father and the groom's mother are not contributing to the occasion. In what order should the receiving line be?

A. In order of the size of their financial contributions, Miss Ultimate Wedding supposes you expect her to say. Deadbeats need not apply.

Well, money has nothing whatever to do with it. The custom is for either the mothers of the couple, or their mothers and fathers, to receive with the bridal couple. If you and the bridegroom's mother get along well, you might join them as hostess, but Miss Ultimate Wedding hopes you will not make an issue of it. There are too many extraneous people here, some of them not even related, and they will all be screaming to be treated "fairly."

However, you only asked about the order. If you really want to have a receiving line nearly as long as the guest list, Miss Ultimate Wedding will put her feelings aside and give you an order:
1. The bride's mother
2. The bridegroom's father
3. You
4. The bride's mother's husband
5. The bridegroom's mother
6. The bride's father
7. The bride's stepmother
8. The bride's stepfather

And oh, yes—then the bride, bridegroom, and bridesmaids.
Note diat this is not "order of importance." The traditional idea is to mix up the two families (bride's mother, bridegroom's father, bridegroom's mother, bride's father). Miss Ultimate Wedding has merely added the rule, when families are mixed enough already, of avoiding juxtaposing people who used to be married to each other, or to each other's spouses. It makes far too interesting a spectacle for the guests.

The Cuisine
Q. Please help a young bride-to-be! My fiance is Italian and I am Yugoslavian. He says he would like Italian food served at our reception. I do not want to make my side of the family feel left out by serving Italian dishes only, nor do I want a mishmash of international courses or dishes representing both sides. In fact, I do not want to make an ethnic statement at all with the food. I simply want something neutral (roast beef, for example) that just feeds everyone.

My fiance will not agree to this compromise and claims his side will be offended. My family is willing to go with the Italian food, but I am not. This will only serve to have the meal slant the wedding to one culture. What is proper in such a situation?

A. In the New World, we don't consider eclectic menus to be "an international mishmash," but rather the interesting use of different traditions. This is especially appropriate when it is likely to flatter and please the guests, not to mention the bridegroom.

It has not escaped Miss Ultimate Wedding's attention that you are marrying into a family of Italian origin, as he is into a family of Yugoslavian origin. Casting out both traditions for the sake of fairness is a bad way to start a marriage. Hardly better is the notion that everything must be exactly equal. If both families felt strongly, you should try to please both in the menu. But if your family doesn't care, what possible reason is there not to please his?

The Menu
Q. We are planning a wedding dinner for fifty guests. The caterers offer three entree choices, with selections to be made in advance. This plan would entail response cards listing choices, a seating chart, place cards, etc. It seems to me that we, as hosts, should simply decide on a single entree as we would if the dinner were at our home.

A. Miss Ultimate Wedding shares whatever exasperation you may feel that people cannot simply sit down nowadays and eat—or not eat—whatever is put in front of them. They have to whine about it. There were always restrictions because of religion or allergies, long before people began scrutinizing their plates for philosophical or nutritional implications, but polite people accepted graciously what was offered, eating what they could and ignoring the rest.

Now home entertaining has had to alter slightly as a result of the society's preoccupation with what it eats—or food fussing, to use the technical term. A good host is by no means obliged to provide different meals-on-order for everyone, but tries to have a wide-ranging menu that will give at least some sustenance to everyone. Try to do the same for the wedding dinner. Miss Ultimate Wedding finds the project of having guests order in advance not only ridiculous and cumbersome, but ultimately futile, as no two or three choices could possibly accommodate all the variations now in common practice.

The Cash Bar
Q. Bo you think it is appropriate to have a full or partial cash bar at a wedding reception? Some coworkers and I were wondering if it would be rude to ask your guests to pay for a drink, or whether today's economy warrants such actions.

A. Miss Ultimate Wedding is going to take to drink herself, if she keeps having to listen to that argument. No, you cannot use the economy as an excuse for the extreme rudeness of charging your own guests for their refreshment.
Have you never heard of the blessed poor who share what little they have, while vile and greedy people who begrudge sharing are accursed? If you can't afford liquor at your wedding reception, serve tea or punch. If you can't afford that, serve water. But serve it graciously.

For the Wedding Party Only
Q. A friend told me that at her wedding reception, she plans on having champagne for the wedding party only. I think it is rude and ill-mannered not to include everyone. I have suggested that since they cannot afford champagne for everyone, they shouldn't have it just for some. Instead, they should just have it for themselves after the reception is over. She says this has been done at other weddings (which should not justify it as being proper).

A. It sure doesn't. The perversions of hospitality being practiced at modern weddings would make your hair curl, Miss Ultimate Wedding trusts. However, this has got to be high among them. If one cannot afford something special for one's guests, one does not consume that very thing in front of them. Nor does one invite certain people and then demonstrate to them that they are second-class guests. Did the bridegroom have a part in this idea? If not, Miss Ultimate Wedding worries about him. If so, she only worries about their children.

In Which the Bride and the Bartender Fight over the Tips
Q. At a wedding reception where there is an "open bar," there is a large brandy snifter, vase, glass jar, whatever on the bar. Who is the money which is left by the guests meant for? I say it is a tip for the bartender. My daughter says the money is for the bride and groom. Please advise as to who is correct.

A. Nobody. Everybody here is so incorrect that Miss Ultimate Wedding feels like offering you all the change in the bottom of her purse just to go away. There is no correct use of a large brandy snifter on the bar at a wedding reception except for the convenience of a guest requesting brandy; the vase should be used for flowers, and the glass jar should have been thrown away once the maraschino cherries were used up. At a private function, it is not customary to tip the bartender, much less the bride.

The Seating Plans
Q. Why do brides take it upon themselves to arrange seating charts like a fourth-grade teacher?
Since their guests are presumed to be adults, can't they make their own decisions about whom to eat with?
I attended a cousin's wedding, halfway across the country. Although distance has prevented us from being close, my cousin is a wonderful person. A sizable contingent of my family was going, and since I am fond of them and do not often have the chance to see them, the opportunity seemed worth the airfare and hassles of travel. But at the reception, we were assigned tables for dinner and while most of my family sat at one table across the room, I ate with eight total strangers. (Since I am perceived as single, the invitation was for me only, and I did not bring my significant other.) While these people were all very pleasant, I would have preferred to spend time with my family.

Shortly after, I attended the wedding of a college friend. The invitation was again for one, and since my significant other did not know anyone from my college years and was not interested in going, he stayed home. It did not seem worth it, or even proper, to make an issue of it. The guests fell into two categories: dear friends I haven't seen in some time and people I had hoped never to see again in my life. Again we were assigned tables and you can guess where I was assigned. Granted that the meals only last an hour or so. But when you've traveled a great distance to see people you haven't seen in years, time is more valuable.

A. The reason that adults can't find their own seats at a wedding is that they turn childish and start turning over chairs to save seats, arguing about where they want to be, feeling no responsibility for wallflowers, and so on. For a formal meal, seating should be worked out in advance.

But these brides were operating on the assumption that the only social desire of single people is to meet other single people. While weddings are traditional sources of other weddings, such is not always the case. Weddings also function as family reunions and this should be taken into account. Alternating family seating groups with ones including strangers likely to be of interest romantically or socially is a sensible compromise.

The Toasts
Q. When our daughter got married, a strain developed between the groom's parents and ourselves. They chose not to speak at the rehearsal dinner or the wedding. I'm sure no one has to speak about their son or daughter, but isn't it strange?

A. As these people are now your daughter's parents-in-law, Miss Ultimate Wedding urges you to put the omission down to an oversight or stage fright and relieve that strain. Only if you promise to do so will she tell you, for the record, that yes, if the bridegroom's parents give the rehearsal dinner, his father (or mother) should welcome the guests with the first toast, to be returned by the bride's father, after which anybody who is so moved, sober, or brief may offer one. At the wedding itself, the best man offers the first toast, and others may follow, including the bridegroom, to offer toasts to his bride and to her parents.

Businesslike Guests
Q. During our wedding reception, a number of friends mentioned to us that the wife of one of my best friends was passing out bright (orange with black print) flyers for her new house-cleaning business. (Our wedding colors were orchid and black.) At the time, I did not know what to say or do, so we did nothing. Should I have said something to her at the time, or is it too late to say something now? Was this proper?

A. Please don't give Miss Ultimate Wedding false clues, however entertaining. For one awful moment, she thought your objection might be that the flyers clashed with your color scheme.

It would have been preferable to stop this outrage when it occurred, although Miss Ultimate Wedding sympathizes with your paralysis at the idea of reprimanding a wedding guest. It would have been best to send an usher to collect the flyers and hand them back to the offender with the explanation, "This is not a business occasion."
Now it seems pointiess to make a fuss, unless you plan to take the unwise step of inviting this person to another party. In that case you could say, when you issue the invitation, "This will be a social occasion, at which we prefer that business not be conducted." Better yet, you can have great fun turning the wedding anecdote into the kind of you'll-never-believe-this story that gets funnier, Miss Ultimate Wedding promises you, as time goes by.

Loud Music
Q. When attending a wedding reception and sitting with friends or family one may not have seen for some time, it would be most enjoyable to concentrate more on companionship than the loud band. As the volume goes up louder and louder, it becomes impossible to hear what the person next to you is saying. One must leave the table and find a quieter spot to catch up. Would it be rude to ask that the volume not be so loud? Or is this standard at wedding receptions? Very inconsiderate.

A. Yes, it is—inconsiderate, standard, and loud. But before you take that as Miss Ultimate Wedding's encouragement to stop the wedding by saying, "Will you kids please quiet down; some of us are trying to talk!" she must ask how you plan to make your request. You cannot, of course, disturb the wedding and you cannot step in and manage it. What you can do is to take one of the hosts aside—make that the parent with whom you are connected—and ask plaintively, "Is there somewhere the guests at my table can go to talk? We don't want to bother anyone, but we can't hear ourselves over the music."

Doggie Bags
Q. Over the past year, my family and I have attended a few weddings and we hope you can tell us what would be the proper etiquette technique when there are plenty of leftovers from the sweet table at a reception. I say to eat what you want and take home any leftovers, knowing that it would be a waste of food if it's not eaten. My family says to eat what you want and leave the leftovers alone, or bring home any leftover pastries only if they are served at each table and the bride and groom don't mind that you take them.

A. What did you have in mind here? Tapping the bridal couple on the shoulders during their last dance and asking them if you could run off with their food? Miss Ultimate Wedding gathers that your plans involve more than taking home two bites of wedding cake to put under your pillow so that you can dream of your future spouse. Is going off with two or three layers of uneaten cake more like what you were considering?

It is kind of you to worry about food waste, but that happens to be the problem of the hosts. Perhaps they have plans for it. Perhaps, unless you plan to outlast them, not everyone will be finished eating by the time you decide that there is enough to sustain you later. Miss Ultimate Wedding has defended the practice of the so-called doggie bag at restaurants, but the case is different; there, the diner has purchased the food. Guests are offered refreshment at an event, not a share of the investment for future use.

Staying On
Q. My daughter and her fiance have invited many out-of-town friends whom they haven't seen for a few years, and they want to stay at their wedding reception until it is over. Her grandmother says they should leave at a reasonable hour and not make the guests stay.

If they throw the bouquet, etc., and then leave to get changed, I feel they can return and party with their friends. We want people to stay as long as they wish, but not to feel they must stay if they want to leave. Would it be appropriate for the Master of Ceremonies to make an announcement to this effect?

A. The fact that newlyweds feel cheated if they have to go off and spend the evening alone has become increasingly, not to mention indecorously, apparent in recent years. As a result, the rule about guests not leaving until the bridal couple does is routinely violated and the couple does eventually end up alone, although at the reception site itself.

Miss Ultimate Wedding prefers your solution of the formal, but not actual, departure to the one about announcing that people are free to leave. Of course they are, but being told so, however merciful the motivation, can only make them think that they have long overstayed their welcome.

The Aftermath
Q. My sister is having a full wedding (the couple has lived together for a few years) and all of the immediate family is traveling from out of town. The couple has not offered to help with expenses. They say they have to pay for the wedding. Most of the family is returning immediately after the wedding and my sister is upset that no one is staying over an extra day to watch her open her gifts. Is this a new tradition—watching the bride open gifts?

A. How old is this bride? She seems to be confusing the tradition of the single-digit birthday party with her wedding. Watching people open presents, unless it is the joking offerings of a rare adult birthday party, is not a grown-up occupation.

The new tradition here, if you want to call it that, is the marathon wedding. Although a party the night before the wedding has long been customary, next-day parties featuring the bridal couple did not appear until everyone was willing to admit that the newlyweds had no particular reason to want to be alone together.
A guest's obligation when attending a wedding is still only for the ceremony and celebration immediately following. If others want to hang around longer, out of sentiment, curiosity about the wedding presents, or cheaper air fares if they stay over, it is fine to plan events to entertain them. But guests are not obliged to stay after the wedding day to witness the marriage.

Ultimate Wedding: Giving and Receiving Thanks

It has come to Miss Ultimate Wedding's attention that there is a great deal of misinformation circulating about thank-I you notes. One such canard is that people who get married have up to a year to thank those who give them presents. This is a fiction perpetrated by brides with writer's cramp. No, they do not. Miss Ultimate Wedding gives them about twenty minutes after the arrival of each present; more lenient souls admit the possibility of its taking up to two weeks. The highly rude notion that one can wait a year to express thanks seems to have originated with the correct rule that one can send a wedding present within a year after the marriage. But once received, it must be acknowledged immediately.

Is Thanking Passe?
Q. Three months ago, I attended a wedding for a niece of mine and I have not received a thank-you for the gift I gave them. I was told by the mother of the bride that it is not necessary to send thank-you notes anymore. I have never heard of such a rude thing before.

Giving and Receiving Thanks
Q. A fatal problem with amateur etiquette advice-givers (especially those who should have recused themselves from the situation out of a glaring conflict of interest) is that they only do half the job.

If the writing of thank-you letters is to be declared defunct, then the giving of presents must also be declared defunct. You cannot have one without the other. Miss Ultimate Wedding suggests you stop giving these people presents and that you stop taking etiquette advice from them.

Dividing Tasks
Q. My husband and I decided to split the wedding gift thank-you-note duties into those of his friends and colleagues with whom I am not really acquainted, as his responsibility, and those of our mutual friends, my friends, and my parents' friends as my responsibility.

My notes went out promptly. Three months after the wedding, I realized he had only written a few notes, but he said he had verbally thanked just about everyone. I was mortified! I thought a note that long after the gift was given (we were married five months ago) would almost be insulting! To make matters worse, I just went over the list with him and he has only thanked a third of his colleagues. What on earth can I do? Is it too late to do anything?

A. It is late, but not too late, to write those thank-you letters; and it is exactly the right time now to work out a peaceful division of duties with your husband. The bargain you had made with him—that he write his circle and you write yours—is an eminently fair and reasonable one. However, insistence on always being fair in every little thing, as opposed to over the long run, is ruinous to the happiness of marriages.

The better way to divide things is that each of you takes over the tasks you don't mind doing and you either split the rest or decide that you both hate them so much that you will sacrifice elsewhere in order to be able to pay someone to do them. We can now take it as a given that your husband hates writing letters. His excuse—that he thanked people verbally—not only violates the rule of etiquette that wedding presents deserve letters, but also violates the bargain you made with him.
These letters must be written and it is a task you may not hire anyone else to do. Miss Ultimate Wedding assures you that it is more insulting to ignore a wedding present than it is to send a belated letter. So you should sit down this minute and write them, just as you managed to write those other letters.

Is this fair? Sure, if you say, "Okay, I'll be the letter writer in the family. But you know what I've always hated? Vacuuming. I can't stand it. You don't seem to mind—will you do all the vacuuming in the family?"

Deputizing the Task
Q. I attended a grand wedding in my daughter's husband's family and sent them a pair of silver candlesticks. After quite some time, I received a thank-you note. But the odd thing was that the note was not in the bride's handwriting, but in her mother's! I know her handwriting well and so does my daughter. There is no mistaking it. The note was written in the first person—"I," not "they"—throughout. Such as "Bob and I really love the silver candlesticks and they look so nice in our new home" signed with the daughter's new name.

Miss Ultimate Wedding, is this now an acceptable way of thanking someone for a wedding gift? To me, it almost borders on forgery. Nor does it do the daughter any favor, as she certainly isn't teaching the daughter the values of responsibility or honesty, do you think?

A. It seems to Miss Ultimate Wedding that your friend has long since taught her daughter something about responsibility: namely, that she can get her mother to do her job.

Thank-Yous for Money
Q. Over half of the wedding gifts we received were gifts of money. How would one go about writing a thank-you card to someone for such a gift without sounding crude?

A. However useful and welcome money may be, it is, Miss Ultimate Wedding would like to point out, a crude present. For one thing, the recipient knows exactly what it cost. The most graceful way to disguise this in your thanks is to select a real present on that person's behalf—that is, to tell the donor what you have bought with the money. The rest of the thanks can then apply to the present, as if the giver had selected it.

Thanking Oneself
Q. Since the majority of the '60s generation, especially brides, are slow with thank-you notes for gifts, could a self-addressed, stamped envelope with note paper be enclosed in the gift box? Brides enclose similar envelopes for R.s.v.p.'s.

A. Miss Ultimate Wedding sees that you are generously willing to forgo the give-and-take of present giving, by assigning the guest both the task of giving the present and thanking him- or herself for having done so. This doesn't seem quite fair. Perhaps such a bride ought to be allowed to buy herself a present and then thank herself or not as she prefers.

Prewritten Thanks
Q. At an extremely extravagant wedding I attended, there was a printed card at every place setting at the dinner table stating, "Thank you very much for sharing this special day with us, and thank you for your gift."
Am I behind the times (I am twenty-seven, and have been to many weddings but never came across this)? I thought a thank-you note was to be very personal, handwritten, and was to state the gift received.

A. Personal? Do you think of the relationship between bridal couple and their guests as personal, rather than commercial?
Evidently these people think otherwise. They have provided an all-purpose, standardized receipt which is not going to thrill those who had hoped to hear that whatever they had selected actually touched and pleased the couple. But Miss Ultimate Wedding can imagine that their method would be of advantage to those who had not selected a present and who can now forget about doing so, although honor would then require them to leave the card on the table.

Fishing for a Thank-You
Q. I left a wedding gift in the form of a check at a wedding I attended several months ago. I had met the bride once before, years ago, but had never met the groom. Thus far, I have not received any acknowledgment that my gift was received. It was cashed a month after the wedding, but I would like to know that it was received by the proper party. Is there any specific correct waiting time before making inquiries? I could call the bride's parents, but do not want to embarrass them or their daughter unless necessary.

A. You know and Miss Ultimate Wedding knows that what bothers you is not the presumption that the check was stolen and cashed with a forged signature, but the likelihood that these ingrates took your money and never bothered to thank you for it. To give a present to someone who doesn't even acknowledge it is galling. You shouldn't be ashamed to admit it—to admit it to Miss Ultimate Wedding, that is. You can't admit it to the ingrates or their relatives, because that would be a social declaration of war.
This brings us full circle back to your claim that you are merely afraid that your present went astray. Indeed, that is the excuse used to point out that a present was never acknowledged. Miss Ultimate Wedding doesn't know why she forced your real feelings out of you, except as ammunition against the rude, who are given to claiming, on no evidence whatsoever, that "no one cares about receiving thank-you notes any more."
In the case of a bought present, one voices doubts about the store where it was purchased, or the mail or delivery service, so as to avoid accusing the recipient. With checks it is harder, because you have evidence from your own bank that the check was received. By all means, question the parents (who seem to be the people you actually know) as to whether this is, indeed, their daughter's handwriting, with which you are not familiar. Let them figure out why you are not familiar with their daughter's handwriting, so they can pass the embarrassment on where it belongs.

Ultimate Wedding: Presents Not on the Registry, Cash

We've been living together for ages, so we have already everything we need."
"We've both been married before, so we have two of everything."
Are those the statements of people who would truly rather not receive any presents?
Oh, perhaps. Every once in a while, Miss Ultimate Wedding actually does hear from someone who is genuinely embarrassed at the idea that inviting intimates to a celebration generally brings forth tangible offerings.

More often, she hears these remarks from people who not only don't object to receiving presents, but are way ahead of the potential givers in thoughts about how best to please the recipients—themselves. If they can't actually surprise themselves, they at least want to do everything else connected with giving the presents they will receive— except, of course, paying for them.
How, they inquire, can they ask guests to get together and sponsor, for example, a major holiday trip? Or how, they ask with even greater candor, can they just get guests to donate cash? Such a useful present and easy to wrap.

If you will allow Miss Ultimate Wedding to mix in some ranting about the vulgarity of this approach, she promises to help make presents do what they are supposed to do, which is to please. The fact is that much of present-giving has become a burden in both directions, which is one reason (the other reasons being greed on the one hand and laziness on the other) that it has deteriorated into the mechanical transfer of money or selection of an item from the recipient's shopping list.
Miss Ultimate Wedding acknowledges that there are many for whom the traditional household presents are not appropriate. She is not as unsympathetic as she pretends with the exasperation of those who deplore the waste of money on unwanted goods. But first we must change attitudes; then we can see about changing the goods.

It is necessary for the preservation of civility to maintain the idea that generosity is—well, generosity. You are not supposed to seem to count on receiving presents—and as a matter of fact, presents for second weddings are not particularly traditional. Nor are presents supposed to be compensation to the celebrants for their expenditure on food and drink. It should also be remembered that guests are guests. Should they happen to be moved to give something they think might be enjoyed, there should be a pretense that they have been successful. You have to seem pleased and grateful.

Attempting to crush out of these well-wishers any impulse to exercise their own thoughts or taste is a mistake. (For that matter, Miss Ultimate Wedding won't even let the nice people put "No gifts," or that painful pun about wanting the guests' "presence, not presents," on their invitations.) Rather, their thoughtfulness should be encouraged.

People who claim to have "everything" have not, it seems, done all the shopping they plan to do for the rest of their lives. They merely mean that they have the staples that once characterized wedding presents. If this isn't obvious to their friends, they may—but only if asked—say modestly, "Oh, we really have all the basic household things," leaving unsaid but obvious the idea that little luxuries would be appreciated.

If the guest cares about the people concerned, he or she should be willing to undertake the obligation to try to think of what would be suitable and pleasing. (Those who don't care enough should decline the invitation and be done with it.) Occasionally people are bound to guess wrong, which is why it is a good idea to make the place of purchase obvious and not inquire after items that may have been discreedy exchanged.

A household where there is enough flatware and appliances can usually use an extra picture frame or vase; most people welcome a case of champagne; many people are known to have an appetite for art books or compact discs. Miss Ultimate Wedding does not presume to know the tastes of your friends better than you. She is only suggesting that expanding the idea of what makes a suitable wedding or anniversary present is better than killing the practice of generosity.

The One-Year-To-Give-A-Present Rule
Q. My twenty-four-year-old son was recently in a wedding for his friend, and when I asked what he was giving the bridal couple, he told me that he hadn't even thought about it, since he had up to a year after the wedding to send a gift.
I guess my shock was apparent because he proceeded to tell me that this was the new social rule for gift-giving. He said that everyone his age knows that, and that the rules as I once knew them had changed.

A. You almost caught Miss Ultimate Wedding there. If she hadn't been paying strict attention, she might have acquiesced in your son's assertion that this was a new rule and obliged you by sliding into the things-are-deteriorating mode.
The fact is, though, that this is a very old rule. That it happens to be more sensible than ever in a time when marriages themselves may not last a year is coincidental. Any time from the announcement of the engagement until the end of the first year of marriage is considered appropriate for sending a wedding present.

Presents at a Reception
Q. Is it acceptable for an adult to attend a wedding and not bring a gift? I feel that it is not, but my fiance says that you will say it is perfectly acceptable.

A. Oh, he does, does he? Funny, Miss Ultimate Wedding doesn't remember him from the Etiquette Council.
Having strenuously maintained that there is no social form, invitation, or announcement that translates as "Present due," Miss Ultimate Wedding might seem trapped into agreeing with your fiance. Fortunately, she is wilier than that. If you do not feel sufficiently pleased by someone's marriage to be moved to try to contribute to that person's happiness, you don't belong at the wedding.

It is possible that your fiance is referring to occasions where he accompanies you but does not actually know the bridal couple who are your friends. In that case, he may be included in your present. And Miss Ultimate Wedding trusts that you do not mean the verb "bring" literally. Wedding presents— properly sent to the bride's home before the wedding, or to the couple's home afterward—are a nuisance when brought to the event, where no one has time to deal with them and there is a danger of their being lost, the cards disappearing, or, Miss Ultimate Wedding regrets to say, the packages being stolen.

Not on the Registry
Q. I am puzzled and hurt, having just received a reproachful thank-you note from my stepsister. I chose a generous but not extravagant wedding gift that I thought she and her fiance would enjoy and sent it with a card wishing them happiness. Her note informs me that they liked my gift, even if it wasn't on their bridal registry list.
I didn't realize that the bridal registry list had become the absolute ironclad means of choosing wedding gifts, and that imagination was no longer appreciated. What should I do the next time my stepsister and I meet? I don't want to allude to this incident, but I'm very much afraid she will.

A. It is indeed a topsy-turvy world where a guest is deemed thoughtless for making an effort to think of something that would be pleasing as a present and where a letter of thanks can be used to chide someone. This kind of thing drives Miss Ultimate Wedding to despair. Then she pulls herself together and agrees with your admirable stance that it is not worth a family quarrel. If your stepsister brings it up, you might allow yourself merely to murmur sincerely, "My intention was to please you."

Cash
Q. Is it true that a cash wedding gift these days should be at least one hundred dollars?

A. Who told you this? Some sweet little bride who could hardly stop blushing as she said it? Miss Ultimate Wedding doesn't approve of cash presents and only grudgingly admits them to the outer rim of propriety when people plead that they are bedridden, out of touch with the tastes of the recipients, or dealing with ingrates who spurn all other offerings. Even then, she can't help asking why one doesn't order by mail, or why one is anxious to please those one hardly knows or knows to be ungrateful. In any event, she will certainly be no party to establishing rates.

Presence Doesn't Count
Q. When attending a wedding abroad, what is considered proper for gift-giving, taking into account the guest's traveling expense to be in attendance? Can the guest's presence be considered as a gift?

A. Miss Ultimate Wedding is curious as to what you think your presence is worth. More than an electric can opener, but less than a tea service? Guests do not get expense accounts for attending weddings, which they can then apply against the debt of a wedding present.

Displaying the Presents
Q. When I was young (I am very old), it was the custom to spread out all the wedding presents for display at the bride's home, with the card of the donor beside the presents. No one does that now. When you suggest it, people are shocked.
It was fun. The guests used to walk around saying things like, "Oh, how pretty the crystal from Aunt Emma is" or "Uncle Louis' plates go so well with the table linens the Smiths gave, don't they?"

A. As partial as she is to tradition, Miss Ultimate Wedding, whose memory goes even farther back than yours, can think of many wedding customs that she would be leery of reviving. Don't ask about the others (they have to do with checking up on the bride's purity and the bridegroom's potency), but this is one.
In an age of consumerism, it would be unwise and unseemly to encourage people to evaluate and compare one another's wedding presents. Suffice it to say that Miss Ultimate Wedding doubts that the comments made would be confined to the sort of genteel compliments you recall.

Ultimate Wedding: Wedding Guests

Invitations to Cater
Q. This wedding invitation enclosure card ("Miss Ultimate Wedding says it's okay if you would like to help with donations of food for the reception") left me and other recipients speechless. Since you never seem at a loss for words, would you please comment.

A. Miss Ultimate Wedding is speechless, too, and you will have to excuse her, because when she recovers, the first person she wants to talk to will be her lawyer. Not only did Miss Ultimate Wedding never say any such thing, but she is on record as being violently opposed to the notion of issuing non-hospitable invitations.
Guests (as opposed to those who may volunteer to help, or who respond to a suggestion that everyone pitch in on a cooperative event with no particular host) are not expected to bring their own hospitality along with them. "We're getting married and we expect you to cater the reception" is not an acceptable way to entertain.

Volunteering
Q. My first cousin is getting married, and his mother, my aunt, keeps saying, "It is going to be a small wedding." By that, I assume she is saying I won't be invited. I don't care about myself, but my youngest daughter, who is ten, has never been to a wedding in her life. My oldest daughter, eighteen, has not been to one since she was five. I want very much for them both to at least observe the wedding ceremony. I would be willing for them to pass on the reception, etc. I am on excellent terms with my aunt, but how do I approach her on this subject? I heard that a church is a public place, so a wedding can be observed by anybody. True?

A. Technically, you are right. But Miss Ultimate Wedding promises you that should you take advantage of this, you will no longer be on excellent terms with your aunt. Any way you or your daughter attempt to attend this wedding to which you are not invited—by making any kind of a plea, or by simply dropping by—will be interpreted as a reproach for their not having invited you. And it will create a major embarrassment for your relatives who expect to go off to whatever small celebration they are having, without you.

By the way, Miss Ultimate Wedding, susceptible as she is to maternal solicitude, has failed to be touched by your argument in favor of your daughters. A wedding is not a show to be viewed simply for the experience or amusement.

Parental Discretion
Q. I have received an invitation to my cousin's wedding, addressed to my husband, myself, and our four children, ages nine and a half to one and a half. My aunt, the mother of the bride, told my father that she was upset when she heard I was thinking of hiring a babysitter, at least for the two youngest, because she desired all my children to attend. She loves children, especially tots, no matter how rambunctious they are. I know she wouldn't bat an eye if a youngster ran up the aisle or cried through the service. On the whole, my children are sweet and well behaved, and many enjoy their company. However, most times they are typical children and behave as such. I'm afraid the scene might be this: The four-year-old will talk loudly through the whole service, the two-year-old will flirt with the people behind him, and the one-year-old will want to get down and go off to observe on his own. My husband will not be able to attend and help me. Although my dad would lean over backward to assist me, I don't want to put him in the position of parenting my children at an affair at which he should be enjoying himself. And quite frankly, if I had to spend time in the back of the church, outside, or running after them during the reception, I'd just as soon stay home.

Miss Ultimate Wedding, I want to honor my aunt's wishes. I know she will be disappointed if I only bring part of my brood, but the thought of less than a perfect day exhausts me.

A. You have no idea how refreshing Miss Ultimate Wedding found your letter. To understand that, you would have to see the piles of correspondence she has from people who are vehemently opposed to having any children at family occasions, and from their relatives who are equally vehement about bringing theirs, whether it is appropriate or not.

How nice of your aunt to take such a warm interest in your children, above the technical perfection of the occasion. And how nice of you to take such a warm interest in the occasion, above the natural limitations of your children to tolerate. While hosts are within the bounds of politeness to invite adults-only to a wedding, the parent of invited children is the one to make the decision. (Miss Ultimate Wedding's awkward wording is to head off any misinterpretation that a parent can make the decision about the attendance of children who were not invited.)
You make a strong case for not bringing yours. The polite way to say so, given the hospitality of your aunt, is 'You are so sweet to include them, but, really, they're not old enough to appreciate and enjoy it. They'll be happier hearing about it, and meeting the couple on an occasion when they can really enjoy their attention."

Discretion
Q. The man with whom I have had an "affair" for the last fifteen years is getting married. Technically, I guess it hasn't been an affair, since neither of us was married or in significant monogamous relationships. However, the sexual aspects of our relationship were quite important and were hidden from our various other friends.
He plans to invite me to the wedding. After all, I am one of his closer and longer friends and to not invite me would raise suspicions, he says. Should I go? I will, of course, send a present. Any particular presents that should be avoided or that you would recommend? We have stopped our sexual encounters; however, he continues to visit me occasionally alone, as well as sometimes with his fiancee. Would it be proper for us (or him) to let her know our history?

A. Let us take that last question first; Miss Ultimate Wedding has the feeling it is the key to the rest. What, pray, did you have in mind? A luncheon with the lady during which you wait until she has a mouthful of chef's salad before murmuring, "I don't know if Jeremy happened to mention this to you, but. . ."? Warning the gentleman that the next time they pay one of their visits, you expect him to sit with you on the sofa, facing her, and to say, after simultaneously clearing your throats, "By the way, there is something we think you should know"?

Surely the gentleman's history is his to confide or not, as he sees fit, and in a manner of his own choosing. To suggest otherwise is something very close to blackmail. You would not care to have him coming around in the future, should you form a serious attachment, with an offer to enlighten the gentleman.
Your quibble about what does or does not constitute an affair suggests that you believe that the only legitimate hurt one can inflict is deception, and you seem to count not confessing the past as deception In his remark about not arousing suspicion, the gentleman has indicated that he disagrees.

The answer to your questions about attending his wedding and choosing a present is to continue the discretion you showed, when it was presumably in your own interest, now that it is no longer your concern. As the visits seem to have worked, Miss Ultimate Wedding presumes you are enough under control of your behavior to attend the wedding under the guise of innocent friendship. Your present, also, should be in keeping with that relationship. A photograph album of your last trip with him would, for example, be in bad taste.

Skipping the Ceremony on Principle
Q. When my wife and I get invited to the wedding of a son or daughter of our friends, we usually don't go to the church part, but always go to the wedding reception. We make sure to talk to the bride and groom and always bring a gift.
The reason that we don't go to the church is because I'm not a religious person and my wife is not a member of a major religion and this is known to our friends. But a number of people not involved in the weddings have let their displeasure be known to us in no uncertain terms. Are we obligated to go to the church if we want to exercise our desire to go to the reception? Are we inconsiderate and does this give them the right to be rude to us?

A. Miss Ultimate Wedding does not recall "the right to be rude" as being in the Bill of Rights and grants it to no one. But she can certainly see how you and your wife tempted these people beyond endurance. Attending a wedding ceremony is not an expression of one's own religion, or an endorsement of anyone else's. It is participation in a ceremonial milestone in the lives of people who are important to you, in a way that merely attending their social events is not. What you and your wife have done, by following your idiosyncratic reasoning unrelated to the understanding and customs of the society, is to establish the idea that you attend parties but not more serious events.

Entertainment
Q. Living in Miami, we are surrounded by both Spanish and English. Recently, my husband and I were invited to a wedding and the entire hour-and-a-half ceremony was in Spanish. Unfortunately, I am not fluent in Spanish, and my attention span did not last ninety minutes. Should a couple inform the guests on the invitation if a wedding is to be in Spanish, so each can choose whether or not to attend?

A. You certainly have a peculiar way of choosing whether to attend a wedding. It is Miss Ultimate Wedding's understanding that wedding guests are there out of affection for the bridal couple, not in the expectation of riveting entertainment adjusted to whatever their attention spans happen to be. Unfortunately, there is no way to indicate on a wedding invitation that unsuitable people should decline. If there were, it would read "If you don't care about us, don't bother to attend."

The Obligations of "And Guest"
Q. I am a divorced woman. When I am invited to a wedding, birthday, or any other special occasion, it is addressed to me "and guest." Is it customary for the guest to pay some of the expenses, such as for his dinner or for the gift? I assume that since he is my guest, I do not expect him to pay for anything. However, what if he asks or wants to contribute? In the card, if I am paying for the monetary gift that is enclosed, do I sign my name only, or do I write his name too, although he made no contribution? Does he also write in the guest book? Since I am inviting him to go to the party with me, is it customary for me to pick him up, since I'm going there anyway?

A. You are asking for rules on a practice that Miss Ultimate Wedding considers wrong. Inquiring of one's friends "Who is that charming man you've been seeing?" so as to invite him by name is one thing; giving one's guests two slots each, the other to be filled however that person wishes, is another. The result is that occasions that should be celebrated by one's intimates are half populated by strangers.

Now that Miss Ultimate Wedding has gotten that off her chest, she will address the reality of the situation. Yes, the gentle-man is your guest and should not be asked to pay anything, or to buy a present for a stranger. (Who drives whom is a matter of convenience.) However, as he did attend, his name should appear with yours in the guest book. That at least gives his hosts a chance to find out afterward who was there.

Fielding Questions
Q. I have just received the joyous news that my younger brother is to be married in a little over a year. While I share his excitement, I am already dreading the wedding day for one reason: I am gay.
In and of itself, this should not cause such strong anxiety. However, I anticipate that many of my more distant relatives will attend who are unaware of my sexual orientation. I also expect them to start asking me (and my immediate family) questions about my plans for marriage, as I am nine years older than my brother. Obviously, I have no such plans.

Because I am open about my sexual preference, at almost any other social function I would probably just tell them the truth and add that I have been living happily with a wonderful man for several years, dismissing any distress at that response as the querist's problem. At my brother's wedding, however, I feel that such honesty would detract attention from my brother's special day and place it unwillingly on me. This was an issue at my sister's wedding several years ago.

I don't want to offend my relatives, as such questions are neither prying nor insensitive and are politely meant to engage me in friendly conversation. Yet I would like to discourage such conversation from the beginning. To complicate matters, I expect that my lover will also be invited to the wedding, as my other immediate family members welcome him as a member of our family.

A. Miss Ultimate Wedding appreciates your delicacy in not wanting to make your brother's wedding into a coming-out party for yourself. She also would like to note that "When are you going to get married?" is about the most unpleasant conversation opener there is, for anyone of whom it might be asked, at a wedding or anywhere else. But she notices that the wedding is a year off. Surely your family will have some opportunity to be in touch, informally, during that time, with the relatives who will be attending. They could easily slip in a pre-introduction to your lover, and mention how happy they are to have him in the family. Although Miss Ultimate Wedding does not believe in announcing anything about one's sex life, including its orientation, your living arrangement is properly of interest to those who care about you.