Wedding Planning Guide: Invitations & Announcements (Part I)

Q. When should invitations be ordered?
A. As soon as you have confirmed dates and times for both the ceremony and the reception.

Q. How far in advance of the wedding are invitations sent?
A. Approximately ten days to three weeks for an informal wedding and four to six weeks for a formal one.

Q. What is the traditional style of an invitation?
A. Traditional invitations are engraved or thermo-graphed on the first page of a double sheet of ivory, white or soft cream heavy paper. The paper may be flat or have a raised margin (called a plate mark or panel). Separate invitations to the reception are engraved on small, stiff cards appropriate in size to the size of the wedding ceremony invitation.

Q. Should the style of the invitation match the formality of the wedding?
A. Yes. All the elements of your wedding should be consistent for a smooth and harmonious atmosphere. The invitations set the tone of the ceremony. If youhave decided upon a traditional wedding you should use the formal, third-person-style invitation. If you are being married on a beach at dawn with a buffet breakfast to follow, your invitations might be a poem illustrated with shells.

Q. What is the traditional wording and spelling for a wedding invitation?
A. Some of the specific rules for formal wedding invitations are as follows:
The invitation to the wedding ceremony reads: "requests the honour (spelled with a & ) of your presence. ..."

The invitation to the reception, when not an enclosed card saying "reception following the ceremony," reads: "requests the pleasure of your company. ..."

Invitations to a Roman Catholic ceremony may replace the phrase "at the marriage of" with "at the marriage in Christ of." They may also add, beneath the groom's name, "and your participation in the offering of the nuptial mass."

If the invitation includes the handwritten name of the recipient, the full name must be written out. The use of an initial—"Mr. and Mrs. James B. Simpson"—is not correct.

No punctuation is used except after abbreviations, such as "Mr.," "Mrs.," etc., or when phrases requiring separation occur in the same line, as in the date.

Numbers and dates are spelled out, but long numbers in the street address may be written in numerals.
Half hours are written as "half after four," never "half past four" or "4:30 P.M." or "four-thirty P.M."

"Doctor" is written in full, but "Mr." is never written "Mister." "Junior" may be written in full, although "Jr." is preferred.

No words are capitalized except those that would be ordinarily, such as people's names and titles, place names and names of the day and month.

The year does not have to be included on wedding invitations, but usually is on announcements since they may be sent long after the wedding takes place.

The invitation to the wedding ceremony alone does not include an R.S.V.P.
On the reception invitation, "R.S.V.P.," "R.s.v.p." and "The favour of a reply is requested" are equally correct. If the address to which the reply is sent differs from that which appears in the invitation, it is also correct to use "kindly send reply to," followed by the correct address.

Q. What is the correct form for an invitation to the wedding ceremony only?
A. The most formal wedding invitation, rarely seentoday, has the name(s') of the recipient(s) written by hand:

Doctor and Mrs. John Huntington Smith request the honour of
presence at the marriage of their daughter Millicent Jane to
Mr. James Edward Pope Saturday, the first of November at twelve o 'clock St. John's Church
R.S. V.P.

An equally correct and more commonly used form is:

Doctor and Mrs. John Huntington Smith request the honour of your presence at the marriage of their daughter [etc. ]

Q. Our guest list for the ceremony is larger than for the reception. Do we need a separate invitation to the reception?
A. Yes, in this case a separate reception card is enclosed with the invitation to the ceremony. The following example shows the most commonly used form.

Reception Immediately following the Ceremony Knolls Country Club Lake Forest
The favour of a reply is requested Lakeside Drive, Lake Forest, Illinois

Q. What is the correct form for a single invitation to both the wedding ceremony and the reception?
A. The card described above may be used when every guest is invited to the reception, but it is more common and less expensive to issue a combined invitation:

Mr. and Mrs. Joseph Gordon .request the honour of your presence at the marriage of their daughter Anne Marie to Mr. David Mahoney, Junior Saturday, the twelfth of June at three o'clock Church of the Resurrection Ridgemont, New York and afterward at the reception Two Springdale Lane
R.S. V.P.

Q. How should a wedding invitation be worded when . . .
. . . the groom's family gives'the wedding?
A. Mr. and Mrs. John Henry Pater
request the honour of your presence at the marriage of Miss Marie Dubois to
their son John Henry Pater, Junior [etc. ]

Q. . . . the groom's family is co-hosting the wedding?
A. Mr. and Mrs. Thomas Coleman
and
Mr. and Mrs. Daniel Golden request the pleasure of your company at the marriage of Barbara Jill Coleman and Andrew Golden [etc. ]

Q. . . . the bride has only one living parent?
A. Mrs. Albert Cass eta
requests the honour of your presence at the marriage of her daughter [etc.]
or
Mr. Albert Casseta requests the honour of your presence at the marriage of his daughter [etc. ]

Q. . . . the bride has a stepfather?
A. If her own father has had no part in her life, and her stepfather has brought her up, the invitation reads:
Mr. and Mrs. Bruce Denoyer request the honour of your presence at the marriage of their daughter Francine Ann Colby [etc. ]
If the bride's mother has been widowed or divorced and has recently remarried, the invitation reads as follows.
Mr. and Mrs. Bruce Denoyer request the honour of your presence at the marriage of her daughter [or, Mrs. Denoyer's daughter] Francine Ann Colby [etc. ]

Q. . . . the bride's mother and father are divorced and only the mother is giving the wedding?
A. Mrs. Virginia Barnes requests the honour of your presence at the marriage of her daughter [etc.]

Q. . . . the bride's divorced and remarried parents are
giving the wedding together?
A. The bride's mother's name appears first:
Mr. and Mrs. Paul Kassay and Mr. and Mrs. George Cook request the honour of your presence at the marriage of Prudence Jean Cook [etc. ]

Q. . . . the bride has no living family?
A. If the wedding is given by friends, the invitationreads:
Mr. and Mrs. John Baxter request the honour of your presence at the marriage of Miss Elizabeth Murray to
Mr. Henry Fordham [etc.]
If the bride and groom send out their own invitations, they would read:
The honour of your presence is requested at the marriage of Miss Elizabeth Murray to
Mr. Henry Fordham [etc. ]
or
Miss Elizabeth Murray and
Mr. Henry Fordham request the honour of your presence at their marriage {etc. ]
The other possibility would be that the bridegroom's family would give the wedding, in which case the wording is the same as shown above.

Q. . . . the bride is a young widow or divorcee?
A. Invitations may be sent by her parents exactly as were the invitations to her first marriage. The only difference is that both her maiden and married names are used:
Doctor and Mrs. Maynard Banks request the honour of your presence at the marriage of their daughter Priscilla Banks Loring [etc. ]

Q. . . . the groom is in the military?
A. If his rank is below Lieutenant Commander in the Navy or Coast Guard or Major in the Army, Air Force or Marine Corps, his name is given this way:
Robert Armand Ensign, United States Navy
Officers of the ranks stated above or higher have the title oh the same line as their names and the service below:
Colonel Adam Manville United States Air Force
In the case of reserve officers on active duty, the second line would read, "Army of the United States" or "United States Naval Reserve."
First and second lieutenants in the Army both use "Lieutenant" without the numeral.
A noncommissioned officer or enlisted man may have his rank and his branch of the service below his name or not, as he wishes:
John Philip Jones United States Air Force

Q. . . . the bride is in the military?
A. A bride who is in the service usually does not use her title, although she may if she wishes to. The invitation would read:
Claire Mandel Lieutenant, United States Army

Wedding Planning Guide: Q & A (Part III)

Q. Do men in the wedding party wear dinner jackets (tuxedos) at all formal weddings?
A. No. Tuxedos are worn only for semiformal and some informal evening weddings. See the chart for a list of appropriate clothing for the groom and his attendants.

Q. My fiance is in the military, Should he wear his uniform for our wedding?
A. If it is important to him and you approve, he certainly may wear his uniform.

Q. I have a three-year-old son, May I wear a white wedding gown at my forthcoming marriage?
A. No, nor should you wear a veil or orange blossoms or a dress with a train. Off-whites, whites with color in trim or accessories or pastels are very appropriate, however, and you may wear a long dress, if your wedding is formal or elaborate.

Q. What expenses do the bride and her family pay?
A. The traditional division of expenses is listed here. Actual expenses paid by each family may be different depending on financial circumstances, ethnic or regional variations and any agreement the two families reach regarding expenses. The traditional expenses paid by the bride and her family are:

• The invitations and announcements
• The bride's wedding dress and accessories
• The service of a bridal consultant, if desired
• Floral decorations for the church and the reception
• Bouquets for the bridesmaids
• Bouquet for the bride (unless local custom is that it is provided by the groom)
• Corsages for the bride's mother and grandmothers, unless, the groom is providing them
• Boutonniere for the bride's father
• Music for the church and the reception
• The church sexton's fee
• Transportation for the bridal party to the church and then to the reception, if rented limousines are used
• All the expenses of the reception
• Bride's presents to her attendants
• Bride's present to her groom, if she wishes to give him one
• Groom's wedding ring
• Hotel accommodations for bride's attendants if they cannot stay with friends, neighbors or relatives
• Travel expenses and lodging for the clergyman if he has been invited by the bride's family and must travel a distance to perform the ceremony
• Formal wedding photographs and candid pictures
• Awnings, a tent for an outdoor reception and ribbons and a carpet for the church aisle, if not provided by the church
• The services of a traffic policeman, if necessary

Q. What expenses do a groom and his family have?
A. As explained in the previous question, this is the traditional division of expenses. It is subject to modification by agreement between both families, financial circumstances and ethnic or regional variations. The traditional expenses paid by the groom and his family are:

• Bride's engagement and wedding rings
• Groom's present to his bride, if he wishes to give her one
• Gifts for the best man and the ushers
• Hotel accommodations for the groom's attendants if they can't stay with friends, neighbors or relatives
• Ties, gloves and boutonnières for the best man and ushers
• The groom's and his father's boutonnières The clergyman's fee or donation The marriage license
• Transportation for the groom and his best man to the church
• Expenses of the honeymoon
• The rehearsal dinner
• The bride's bouquet in areas where it is the custom
• The bride's going-away corsage
• Corsages for immediate members -of both families, unless the bride has included them in her florist's order
• Bachelor dinner, if he wishes to give one
• Groom's parents pay their own transportation and lodging expenses
• Travel expenses and hotel- accommodations for the clergyman if he has been invited by the groom's family and must travel a distance to perform the ceremony

Q. How much should the clergyman's fee be?
A. The amount varies according to the size and the formality of the ceremony. It may range from $20 for a small, private wedding to from $100 to $300 for an elaborate one. If the fee is paid by check, it is made out to the clergyman unless he or she has informed you it should be made out to the church instead..If the clergyman has traveled a distance to perform the ceremony, both traveling and lodging expenses are paid for by the family at whose request the trip was made.

Q. What expenses do the bridesmaids have?
A.

• Their own dresses and accessories
• Transportation to and from the city or town where the wedding takes place
• A contribution to a gift from all the bridesmaids to the bride
• A wedding gift to the bride and groom
• Participation in a shower and/or luncheon for the bride

Q. What expenses do the groom's attendants have?
A.

• Rental of wedding attire
• Transportation to and from city or town where wedding takes place
• Contribution to a gift from all the groom's attendants to the groom
• A wedding gift to the bride and groom
• Participation in the expenses of the bachelor dinner, if given by the ushers

Q. Who pays for the lodging expenses for family or friends when they come from out of town?
A. They pay their own expenses, although either set of parents fnay arrange lodging with other friends or relatives, or secure hotel accommodations, as a courtesy. If the bride's and groom's families wish, they also may offer to pay the expenses of out-of-town guests, but it is neither expected nor required.

Q. Does the groom's family ever pay any of the costs of the reception?
A. Yes. In certain localities and among some ethnic groups it is customary for the groom's family to share in the expenses of the reception. When this is an accepted and traditional practice it is perfectly correct. Furthermore, in general, the.groom's family is more and more often sharing, in some or "all of the expenses with the bride's family. It is no longer considered an insult for the groom's family to offer to share, simply out of thoughtfulness or to allow a bigger reception than the bride's family alone can afford. It is critical, however, that the offer come from the groom's family and not be a request or suggestion on the part of the bride's family, and that the groom's family abide by the bride's parents' wishes and not insist if there is any resentment.

When the groom's family assumes a fair share of the costs, they become co-hosts with the bride's parents. Therefore, the wedding invitations should be issued in their names, too.

Q. What expenses should we budget for when planning a wedding?
A. First, list the categories of expenses you will be incurring and then obtain estimates from the vendors, services, etc., you plan to use so you have a realistic picture of the dollars and cents involved. The following chart shows the basic expense categories for both a large, formal wedding and a small, at-home wedding. No amounts are given here for the large wedding, as these costs change rapidly and vary widely in different parts of the United States. If you will have to lodge your attendants at a hotel, or provide a thank-you gift to a friend, relative or neighbor who will house your guests, be sure to include it as a category, as well as such things as shoes, gifts to your attendants and extra entertainment costs for out-of-town guests.

For a Simple Wedding at Home

	Type	Amount
Invitations	Handwritten notes or telephone calls	$10
Food	Sandwiches, snacks	$100
Beverages	Punch (with or without liquor)	$25-$50
Flowers	Fresh from garden or 2 vases for "altar"	$30
Cake	Baked by Aunt Doris	$0
Photographs	Taken by Uncle John	$0
Caterer	Friends and relatives	$0
Hall rental	None	$0
Music	CD or records (rented)	$20
Wedding dress	Borrowed from best friend or favorite "old" dress	$0
Clergy fee	Small donation or gift if ceremony performed by friend	$25
Sexton's fee	None	$0
Limousines	None	$0

Although some of these items may seem incidental, the costs add up quickly and it is wise to prepare as comprehensive a budget as possible.

Q. Who decides on the number of guests?
A. This is determined by whoever is hosting the wedding reception (usually the bride and her family), based, of course, on the number of guests who will fit comfortably in the planned accommodations.

Q. How is the total number of invitations divided between the bride's family and the groom's?
A. Usually they are divided in half, especially if both families are of roughly equal size and if they live in the same community. If they do not, the groom's mother will have an idea of how many of the groom's family and friends will travel to the wedding and gives this information to the bride's mother. If this number is less than the number allotted to the groom's family, the bride's mother is free to issue this number of extra invitations.

Q. The groom's mother wishes to invite more than the number of places allotted to the groom's family. How do we handle this situation?
A. The size of a wedding reception is determined by choice and by financial necessity, or both, and the groom's mother should make every effort to stay within the number of places allocated to her. Your mother should be frank, if asked to increase the size, and explain that the planned size is what you can afford. If the groom's mother feels she must invite more than her allocated number, she and her husband should suggest that they pay a share of the expenses sufficient to cover the additional costs. If this is not satisfactory or if you and your parents do not want to alter your plans, she can plan a reception for you and your groom after your honeymoon, inviting the friends who could not be included at the wedding.

Q. What determines the formality of the wedding?
A. The elements of whether a wedding is formal, semiformal or informal have traditional patterns. The chart in the following posts provides a list of your options. Many of the items are interchangeable and may be adapted to fit your situation.

Q. After deciding the date and site of the wedding, are there any rules about choosing the hour of the ceremony?
A. No, there really aren't any rules, although certain customs, climates and personal preferences are "rules of thumb." For example, Catholic weddings that include a nuptial mass were traditionally held at noon or earlier to accommodate those who fast before mass. Although this is no longer necessary, many Catholic weddings are still held at that hour. In the South, summer weddings are often held in the evening since the days are so warm. In the East, formal Protestant weddings most often are held at four or five o'clock in the afternoon. Whatever time you choose, it is best to plan the reception immediately following the wedding so that your out-of-town guests are not left wondering what to do or where to go!

	Formal	Semifbrmal	Informal
Bride's dress	Long white gown, train,	Long white gown, veil	White or pastel cocktail
	veil optional	optional	dress or suit or
			afternoon dress
			(sometimes, very
			simple long gown)
Bridesmaids' dresses	Long or according to	Long or according to	Same type of dress as
	current style	current style	worn by bride
Dress of groom and his	Cutaway or tailcoat	Sack coat or tuxedo	Dark blazer or jacket
attendants
Bride's attendants	Maid or matron of	Maid or matron of	Maid or matron of
	honor, 4-10	honor, 2-6	honor, 1 or 2 children
	bridesmaids, flower	bridesmaids, flower	(optional)
	girl, ring bearer	girl, ring bearer
	(optional)	(optional)
Groom's attendants	Best man; 1 usher for	Best man; 1 usher for	Best man; 1 usher if
	every 50 guests, or	every 50 guests, or	necessary to seat
	same number as	same number as	guests
	bridesmaids	bridesmaids
Location of ceremony	Church, synagogue or	Church, synagogue,	Chapel, rectory, justice
	large home or garden	chapel hotel, club,	of the peace, home,
		home, garden	garden
Location of reception	Club, hotel, garden or	Club, restaurant, hotel,	Church parlor, home,
	large home	garden, home	restaurant
Number of guests	200 or more	75 to 200	75 or under
Provider of service at	Caterer at home, or club	Caterer at home, or club	Caterer, friends and
reception	or hotel facilities	or hotel facilities	relatives or restaurant
Food	Sit-down or semibuffet	Buffet (bridal party and	Stand-up buffet or 1
	(tables provided for	parents may have	table for all guests;
	bridal party, parents	tables); cocktail buffet	may be a meal or
	and guests); hot meal	food, sandwiches, cold	snacks and wedding
	served; wedding cake	cuts, snacks, wedding'.	cake
		cake
Beverages	Champagne; whiskey	Champagne or punch for	Champagne or punch
	and soft drinks	toasts; whiskey and	for toasts; tea, coffee
	(optional)	soft drinks (optional)	or soft drinks in
			addition

Q. What matters should be discussed with the clergyman when we first meet with him?
A. There are several points to cover, depending on your religion. A general checklist includes the following:

• The service itself—whether it will be traditional and/or whether you wish to write your own vows or include special passages
• Whether he or you should contact the sexton or organist about music, a visiting soloist or musician, etc.
• Your preferred date and time of the wedding, and a time for the rehearsal
• What kind of counseling he will have with you
• What, if any, papers or documents he may need from you
• Whether photographs may be taken in the church either before or after the service
• Whether candles may be used
• The clergyman's recommendations on the number of guests the church or synagogue will hold
• Whether you or he should discuss such things as canopies, carpets, dressing facilities, candles, etc. with the sexton, and what the charge will be for the use of these items
• Whether there are dress restrictions for the wedding party
• Whether the congregation will remain seated or stand during the procession and the service
• Whether decorations are permitted, and, if so, when you or your florist can have access to decorate

Q. May a relative who is a member of the clergy perform my wedding?
A. Yes, as long as your clergyman is willing. If he or she is, you and your fiance should talk with both clergymen, or communicate by telephone or letter, as well as check as to whether the visiting clergyman wishes to make a preliminary visit to become acquainted with the church or synagogue.

Q. May a couple who have been living together for some time have a church wedding and a reception?
A. Yes, if your clergyman is willing to perform the ceremony.

Wedding Planning Guide: Q & A (Part II)

Q. Why doesn't the best man walk in the processional?
A. In Orthodox and Conservative Jewish ceremonies the best man does precede the groom in the wedding procession, because the groom is part of the procession. In Christian ceremonies the best man also stays with the groom but since the groom is not part of the processional, the two enter the church through a door near the altar and the best man stays at the groom's side during the entire ceremony.

Q. What are the responsibilities of the ushers?
A. Usually the groom chooses one usher who is particularly reliable or experienced to be the head usher. He is responsible for seeing that the others arrive at the rehearsal and the church on time, assigning them to certain aisles and designating the ones who will escort the immediate family. The head usher may escort the bride's and/or the groom's mothers in and out of the church unless there are brothers of the bride or. groom who are ushers, in which case they would escort their own mothers.

The ushers see that all guests and family members are seated, insofar as possible, where they wish to be. Traditionally, ushers offer their arm to women they are escorting and the women's husbands or escorts walk behind. They do not offer their arm to men guests but do walk beside them to show them to their seats. An alternative manner is to have the usher lead a husband and wife or other couple, walking together, to their pew, and "usher" them both into it. Instead of offering his arm to the woman as a couple arrives, the usher simply looks at both of them and says, "Please follow me."

Two ushers are appointed to put the pew ribbons in position, and two others to lay the carpet (unless junior ushers are handling this task). Ushers attend the bachelor dinner, if there is one, or sometimes arrange it themselves, and they are expected to contribute to a gift, to the groom.

Q. Do the ushers stand in the receiving line?
A. No, they do not. They should mingle with the guests while the receiving line is in place, and are seated at the bridal table, if there is one.

Q. Should my mother and my fiance's mother wear the same-length and style of dress?
A. It certainly looks attractive if both your mothers are dressed similarly, especially since they stand together in the receiving line. The bride's mother is the first to decide on what she will wear—how long her dress will be, what style and what color. She should then tell the groom's mother what her decision is so the latter may plan her costume accordingly. If the groom's mother feels uncomfortable in the type of clothing chosen by the bride's mother, however, she should be free to select something in which she will feel attractive and happy.

Whatever they choose, their dresses should not be the same color as your bridesmaids' dresses, nor should they both wear the same color, nor should they elfish with each other or with the wedding party. Neither mother should wear black or white.

Q. What style clothing should the fathers wear?
A. Although it is not obligatory, the father of the bride should dress in the same style as the groom and his attendants. Since he walks in the procession with the others, it presents a more unified picture if he dresses as they do.

The groom's father also may dress in the same fashion as the other men of the wedding party, especially if he is to stand in the receiving line. If he does not take part, however, and does not wish to dress formally, he may wear the same clothes as the men guests. See the chart on the following pages for specifics. Both men wear boutonnieres.

Q. I'm confused about what clothing should be worn by me, the wedding party and our
guests for morning, afternoon and evening weddings. Are there any guidelines?
A. Yes, there are. Following is a chart which will enable you to see at a glance the correct combination for every type of wedding.

	Most Formal Daytime	Most Formal Evening	Semiformal Daytime
Bride	Long white dress, train and veil; gloves optional	Same as most formal daytime	Long white dress; short veil and gloves optional
Bride's attendants	Long dresses, matching shoes; gloves are bride's option	Same as most formal daytime	Same as most formal daytime
Groom, his attendants, bride's father	Cutaway coat, striped trousers, pearl gray waistcoat, white stiff shirt, turndown collar with gray-and-black-striped four-in-hand or wing collar with ascot, gray gloves, black silk socks, black kid shoes	Black tailcoat and trousers, white pique waistcoat, starched-bosom shirt, wing collar, white bow tie, white gloves, black'silk socks, black patent-leather shoes or pumps or black kid smooth-toe shoes	Black or charcoal sack coat, dove gray waistcoat, white pleated shirt, starched turndown collar or soft white shirt with four-in-hand tie, gray gloves, black smooth-toe shoes
Mothers of couple	Long or short dresses; hat, veil or hair ornament; gloves	Usually long evening or dinner dress, dressy short cocktail permissible; veil or hair' ornament if long dress; small hat, if short; gloves	Long or street-length dresses, gloves; head covering optional
Women guests	Street-length cocktail or afternoon dresses (colors are preferable to black or white); gloves; head covering optional	Depending on local custom, long or short dresses; if long, veil or ornament—otherwise, hat optional; gloves	Short afternoon or cocktail dress; head covering for church optional
Men guests	Dark suits; conservative shirts and ties	If women wear long dresses, tuxedos; if short dresses, dark suits	Dark suits

	Semiformal Evening	Informal Daytime	Informal Evening
Bride	Same as semiformal daytime	Short afternoon dress, cocktail dress, or suit	Long dinner dress or short cocktail dress or suit
Bride's attendants	Same length and degree of formality as bride's dress	Same style as bride	Same style as bride
Groom, his attendants, bride's father	Winter, black tuxedo; summer, white jacket; pleated or pique soft shirt, black cummerbund, black bow tie, no gloves, black patent-leather or kid shoes	Winter, dark suit; summer, dark trousers with white linen jacket or white trousers with navy or charcoal jacket; soft shirt, conservative four-in-hand tie; hot climate, white suit	Tuxedo if bride wears-dinner dress; dark suit in winter, lighter suit in summer
Mothers of couple	Same as semiformal daytime	Short afternoon or cocktail dresses	Same length dress as bride
Women guests	Cocktail dresses, gloves; head covering for church optional	Afternoon dresses,, gloves; head covering for church optional	Afternoon or cocktail dresses, gloves; head covering for church optional
Men guests	Dark suits	Dark suits; light trousers and dark blazers in summer	Dark suits

Groom's father: He may wear the same costume as the groom and his attendants, especially if he is to stand in the receiving line. If he is not to take part and does not wish to dress formally, he may wear the same clothes as the men guests.

Wedding Planning Guide: Q & A (Part I)

Q. When are the attendants invited to be in the bridal party?
A. As soon* as you have set your wedding date, you should invite your attendants to serve as members of your bridal party. This can be done in person, by telephone or by letter.

Q. Is it obligatory for me to have my fiance's sisters as my bridesmaids?
A. No, it is not obligatory, but it is customary. If you have a problem including them, be sure you and your groom-to-be discuss how you will handle the issue so there are as few hurt feelings or misunderstandings as possible. If they are much older and really not suitable "maids," perhaps you can include them in another aspect of your wedding or reception, helping introduce people or serving in another way.

Q, What do we do if one of the attendants backs out the week before the wedding?
A. You may, even up to the last day or two, ask another close friend to fill in. Friends should not be offended by a late invitation but rather feel flattered that you feel close enough to count on them in an emergency. It would' be most courteous of you to absorb any expense they will need to incur to participate in your wedding, however, since the cost would not have been planned in their budget. If there is no other friend available to step in, simply proceed with your wedding plans with one less attendant.. If this causes awkwardness in your processional or recessional, ask your clergyman for advice on alternative ways to enter and exit.

Q. Is there arty rule about the number of ushers and bridesmaids?
A. The only rule is really a practical rule of thumb— that there be one usher for every fifty guests. Otherwise, the average formal or semiformal wedding party includes four to six bridesmaids and at least that many ushers. There may be more ushers than bridesmaids, but there should not be more bridesmaids than ushers. A bride need not have any bridesmaids but she must have one attendant or maid of honor.

Q. May I have both a maid and a matron of honor?
A. Certainly. If you feel you want to have both, your maid of honor takes precedence, holding your bouquet, being in charge of the groom's ring and serving as a witness. If you have both, you need to decide whether you then wish to have an extra usher to escort the matron of honor.

Q. What are the responsibilities of the maid of honor?
A. In addition to holding your bouquet and the groom's ring during the ceremony and serving as a witness, the maid of honor is the bride's aide and "consultant," relieving the bride of as many chores as she can, especially on the wedding day. Although it is not obligatory, a maid of honor who is not a member of the bride's family usually arranges for or gives a shower for the bride, often with the help of the bridesmaids. She is also in charge of choosing the gift that will be given to the bride from all the bridesmaids together, and collecting the money to pay for it. At the end of the ceremony, the maid of honor helps the bride adjust her train and veil when she turns to recess. She also stands in the receiving line, may or may not propose a toast to the bride and groom, and she helps the bride change into her going-away clothes. The maid of honor also helps the bride's mother put away the bride's dress when the bride is changing to leave the reception.

Q. What are the responsibilities of the bridesmaids?
A. Bridesmaids may be single or married contemporaries of the bride whose special duties include forming the bridal procession and, if the bride desires, standing with her in the receiving line. Later they circulate among the guests, acting as "deputy hostesses." Any of them may give a shower, or they may all give one together. Often, bridesmaids give a luncheon for the bride, or attend one given by her. Generally they give her a joint present, engraved with their names or initials, as well as personal wedding gifts.

Q. What are the age limits for flower girls, ring bearers, junior ushers and junior bridesmaids?
A. Flower girls and ring bearers are usually between three and seven years old. Junior ushers and bridesmaids generally are between eight and fourteen, when they are too big to be flower girls and ring bearers, but too young to be bridesmaids and ushers. Depending on their size and your wishes, they may, of course, be slightly younger or older.

Q. What are the responsibilities of younger attendants and what do they wear?
A. Flower girls used to scatter petals before the bride, but more often today they simply carry a basket or bouquet of flowers. She must be part of the rehearsal, but whether she is included in showers and the rehearsal dinner depends on her age and the wishes of her parents. Her dress is paid for by her family. It may be similar to the bridesmaids' dresses or it may be modified to a child's style, in a matching color.

A ring bearer carries the ring or rings fastened to a firm white velvet or satin cushion with a white thread or a hat pin. Often, facsimiles are on the cushion and the best man and maid of honor carry the real rings. Like the flower girl, the ring bearer must attend the rehearsal, but his attendance at other functions is optional. The most appropriate dress for a ring bearer is short pants and an Eton jacket, preferably white, but occasionally navy. Small versions of the ushers' apparel are not appropriate.

Junior ushers, if there are two of them, often are appointed to be in charge of the white carpet or the pew ribbons. Otherwise, their only duties are to attend the rehearsal and to be part of the processional and recessional. They walk behind the regular ushers and dress like them.

Junior bridesmaids, like junior ushers, are responsible only to walk in the procession. They attend thé rehearsal, but they are not expected to give showers or contribute to the bride's gift. Junior bridesmaids need not stand in the receiving line, but may do so if asked to by the bride. Their attendance at the rehearsal dinner and at showers is not mandatory and depends on their age. Junior bridesmaids dress like the bridesmaids.

Q. What responsibilities does the best man have?
A. At some point before the wedding, the best man consults the ushers about a gift for the groom and is then responsible for ordering it and collecting money from the ushers to pay for it. He also makes the presentation to the groom, usually at the rehearsal dinner or at the bachelor dinner, if there is one.

The best man also assists the groom in coordinating the clothing the ushers will wear. If it is rented formal wear, he helps the groom make sure the measurements and sizes are given to the store in plenty of time, that the ushers are fitted,-if possible, and that the ushers are able to pick up their clothing. After the wedding, he takes care of returning the groom's clothing, if rented, and he or the head usher do the same for all the ushers' clothing.

The best man may help the groom pack for his honeymoon and makes sure that the clothes the groom will change into after the wedding are packed in a separate bag and taken to where the reception will be held.

He makes sure the groom is properly dressed in plenty of time and that he gets to the church on time. The best man is also responsible for the wedding ring and must be sure to get the clergyman's fee from the groom, which he delivers on behalf of the groom. He may do this before the ceremony while they are waiting to enter the church or, if he has time, immediately after the recessional. He sees the bride and groom into their car or, if there is no chauffeur, the best man drives the bride and groom to the reception himself.

At the reception, the best man does not stand in the receiving line, but mingles with the guests and helps the bride's family in any way he can. He is responsible for making the first toast to the newly-weds. After the toast, he reads aloud any telegrams or messages that have been received and keeps them carefully, to deliver to the bride's parents. The best man is the fourth man to dance with the bride after she has danced with the groom, the groom's father and her own father.

Toward the end of the reception he helps the groom change and makes sure he has everything he needs for his wedding trip. He then escorts the groom's family to the room where the groom is dressing, for their farewells. The best man is in charge of whatever transportation the bride and groom will use to leave the reception, and he keeps these plans secret to avoid the pranks of practical jokers. If the couple is leaving by car, he sees that their luggage .is in the car and may either drive the bride and groom to their, car or arrange to have it delivered at the moment of their departure. When the bride and groom are ready to leave, the best man leads them through the waiting guests, to the door.

Wedding Planning Guide: Engagement (Part III)

Q. I will be getting married after graduation. My fiance and I attend different colleges. Must I refuse all offers to socialize this semester?
A. There is absolutely no need for you to sit home alone, but you should not have "twosome" dates, see the same person frequently or let an occasional meeting with one person lead to others of a more intimate nature.

Q. What should I call my fiance(e)'s parents?
A. The question of names is a truly sensitive one for many people, and thoughtfulness must be observed on both sides. If you don't know your fiance(e)'s parents well, you should continue to refer to them formally— Mr. and Mrs. Anderson— unless they specifically request you to use their first names or nicknames. If they do not bring up the subject and you feel uncomfortable, the best solution is an open discussion. If it seems too difficult a subject to bring up and a solution does not happen naturally, the safest compromise, during your engagement, is simply shortening "Mr. and Mrs. Anderson" to "Mr. and Mrs. A-"

Q. What is a trousseau?
A. According to the derivation of the word, a trousseau was the "little trousse" or "bundle" that the bride carried with her to the house of her husband. There are no rules today about how much clothing you should have in your personal trousseau. It depends entirely on your financial situation and the life that you and your fiance will be leading. If possible, you should plan to begin your marriage with a wardrobe sufficient to last you for one season, and preferably for one year, including the clothes that are currently in your wardrobe. The three new articles that every bride should have if she can possibly afford them are her wedding dress, her going-away clothes and a nightgown and negligee for her honeymoon.

Q. What should the basic household trousseau consist of?
A. As with a personal trousseau, a household trousseau depends entirely upon your financial situation and the life you will be leading once married. In general,-you will be very well equipped if you begin your marriage with the items in the following list.

Bed Linen (amounts are for each bed)
4 sheets for master bed (2 fitted lower sheets) 4 sheets for each guest bed (2 fitted lower sheets)
2 pillowcases (for each single bed; 4 for double or queen-sized bed)
1 blanket cover (optional)
2 quilted mattress pads 1 lightweight blanket 1 electric blanket or 2
and 1 comforter 1 bedspread

Bath Linen (quantities are for each bathroom) 4 large bath towels 4 matching hand towels 4 washcloths 4 guest towels 2 bath mats 1 shower curtain

Kitchen
6 sturdy dish towels 4 dishcloths or 2 sponges 4 potholders

Table Linen
1 damask, linen or lace tablecloth for formal entertaining
8 to 12 dinner napkins to match
2 or 3 yard-and-a-half square cotton or linen tablecloths for bridge or small tables (matching napkins optional)
1 or 2 sets of linen placemats with matching napkins (optional) 12 linen or cotton (preferably no-iron) napkins in neutral or several colors to go with odd placemats'or tablecloths you may be given
1 set (4 or 6) of everyday placemats (preferably plastic or easy-care).
1 set (6 or 8) of more elaborate placemats for use at informal parties
Large, paper dinner napkins
Cocktail napkins, paper or cloth

Q. How should linens be marked?
A. Ashley Elizabeth Hopewell, who will marry George Thomas Simpson, could have linen embroidered with her married initials or with her future husband's last initial.

When a bride chooses to keep her own name after marriage, the two last initials are used with a decorative device between. Naturally, linen that is monogrammed before an engagement is marked with the bride's maiden initials.

Q. Where are square linens marked? Rectangular ones?
A. Square tablecloths are marked in one corner midway between center and corner so that the monogram shows on the table.
Rectangular tablecloths are marked at the center or each long side midway between the table edge and the center of the cloth.

Very large damask napkins are marked in the center of one side, smaller ones in the corner-usually diagonally, but sometimes straight. To determine the best place to monogram napkins, fold one exactly as it will be folded for use and then make a light pencil outline in the center of the folded napkin.

Sheets are always marked with_the base of the letters toward the hem so that when the top is folded down, the letters can be read by a person standing at the front of the bed.

Pillowcases are marked approximately two inches above the hem.
Towels are marked so that the monogram is centered when the towels are folded in thirds and hung on the rack.

Q. What are the basic requirements for everyday dishes?
A. Usually, a complete set of 4 or 6 place settings of inexpensive china, stoneware, pottery or unbreakable plastic ware serves nicely as everyday dishes. It generally includes:

Dinner plates
Dessert plates (which do double duty as salad plates)
Cereal dishes (used also for soup, puddings, fruit, etc.)

Mugs or cups
Saucers if cups are chosen
Cream pitcher and sugar bowl
Optional: 2 platters and 2 vegetable dishes

Q. What does a typical place setting consist of?
A. Dishes for entertaining include:

• Soup cup (two-handled, for both clear and cream soups)
• Dinner plate
• Salad plate (may double as a dessert plate)
• Bread and butter plate
• Cup
• Saucer
• Optional: cream soup plates, demitasse cups

Additional options are not a part of the individual place setting but do complete a set of china:
Cream pitcher and sugar bowl
Platters and vegetable dishes

Gravy boat
Sauce bowls for hollandaise, mayonnaise, etc.

Q. How should flatware be monogrammed?
A. Either a single letter—the initial of the groom's last name—or a triangle of letters is used for monogramming flatware. If the triangle of block letters is used, there are three variations that may be considered:

The last-name initial may go below with the first-name initials of the bride and groom above. When Samantha Adams Burns marries Henry Wilson Carter:
The flatware may be engraved with the bride's married initials:
Or with the last-name initial above and their two first-name initials below:
If a man is a "Junior," the "Jr." is not used when the initials form a design, as on flat silver.

Any initialing should be simple in style. Elongated Roman goes well on modern silver, and Old English is best on the more ornamented styles. Monograms have always been placed so that the top of the letter is toward the end of the handle. It appears upside down as seen by the diner at that place. Although this is traditional, it is acceptable to reverse the direction so that the initials are legible to the user, if you prefer.

Q. What exactly is a bridal registry and how should I use it?
A. This is a service provided by many stores as a help to you and to your friends and relatives who wish to send a gift. You and your groom visit the stores in your area and select items you would like to have, including your china, silver and glassware patterns. The store opens a file just for you, listing the items you have chosen. When friends shop in a store at which you have registered, the personnel assist them by showing them the things you have chosen. If a purchase is made from among the items you have indicated, that item is checked off so another friend will not duplicate the gift. As a courtesy to friends of varying means, select items in a range of prices.

Wedding Planning Guide: Engagement (Part II)

Q. When may I announce my engagement in the newspaper?
A. No sooner than the day after your engagement party, if you are having one. Otherwise, an announcement usually appears in the newspaper two or three months before the proposed date of the marriage. If the circumstances warrant, the announcement may appear up to a year before the wedding date, or as little as a week ahead. No announcement should ever be made, however, of an engagement in which either person is still legally married to someone else—no matter how imminent the divorce or annulment may be.

Q. Under what circumstances would it be in bad taste to announce an engagement in the newspaper?
A. The only time a public announcement is not appropriate is when there has recently been a death in either family or when a member of the immediate family is desperately ill. In these cases the news is spread by word of mouth, although a public announcement may follow some weeks later.

Q. My fiance's family is from another town. Should an engagement announcement appear in his local paper? Should it be in his parents' name or in my parents' name?
A. Your family should ask your fiance's parents if they would like to have an announcement appear in their locality. If so, your mother should send the same announcement that will appear in your town's papers to the papers your nance's parents specify. The announcement of the engagement is always made in the name of the bride's parents or her immediate family. Even if the groom's mother puts the announcement in her local papers, she does so in the name of the bride's parents.

Q. May we include a photograph of the two of us with our engagement announcement?
A. Certainly, if the newspaper has space and its policy permits the inclusion of photographs. The photo used with an engagement announcement used to be of the bride alone, but today it is more and more frequently a photo of the couple. A black-and-white glossy print must accompany the written information you send the newspaper.

Q. What is the general wording for an engagement announcement?
A. Each newspaper has its own special wording, and many have forms for you to complete from which they write the announcement themselves. Send your announcement to the Society Editor one to two weeks before it is to run. The date on which you would like the news to be published should be given to all papers so that the notices will appear simultaneously. The usual form for your announcement is as follows:

Mr. and Mrs. Robert Lane Huntington of Larchmont, New York, announce the engagement of their daughter, Elizabeth [Adams, Huntington—optional], to Mr. Thomas Charles Cole,, son of Mr. and Mrs. Donald Francis Cole of River Forest, Illinois. A May wedding is planned. Miss Huntington was graduated from Northwestern University and is now Program Director for the National Broadcasting Company in Chicago. Mr. Cole was graduated from the University of Michigan. He is at present' associated with Harper & Row, Publishers, Inc., in Evanston, Illinois.

Q. My mother passed away when I was quite young. My father wants to announce my engagement in the newspaper. Would my mother be mentioned in such an announcement?
A. Yes. When one of the bride's parents is deceased, the deceased parent is mentioned in the text of the announcement:

Mr. [Mrs.] Edward Patrick O'Hare announces the engagement of his [her] daughn ter, Miss Eileen Bailey O'Hare, to Dr. Francis Kelly . . . etc. Miss O'Hare is also the daughter of the late Mary Smith O'Hare [Edward Patrick O'Hare]. . . .

If one of the groom's parents is deceased the form differs slightly:

Mr. and Mrs. Harrison Brown announce the engagement of their daughter, Miss Jeanine Frances Brown, to Mr. Christopher Long, son of Mrs. Allen Carter Long and the late Mr. Long. ...

Q. My parents are divorced. In whose name is the engagement announcement made?
A. The mother of the bride usually announces the engagement, but, as in the case of a deceased parent, the name of the other parent must be included:

Mrs. Ruth Helmsley announces the engagement of her daughter, Missjillian Helmsley. . . . Miss Helmsley is also the daughter of Mr. George Helmsley of Warrenville Heights, Ohio. . . .

When the divorced parents have remained friends, and if their daughter's time is divided equally between them, they may both wish to announce the engagement:

Mr. Glenn Parker of Pittsburgh and Mrs. Adam Zeitlin of New York City announce the engagement of their daughter, Miss Mary Ellen Parker. ...

Q. How should an older woman, divorcee or widow announce her engagement?
A. A woman of forty or more, even though her parents are living, generally does not announce her engagement in the newspaper but instead calls or writes her relatives and friends shortly before the wedding. An older widow or divorcee announces her second engagement in the same way, although the engagement of a young woman marrying for the second time may be announced in the newspaper.

Q. I have lived independently of my parents since college. How do I announce my own engagement?
A. Assuming you and your parents have maintained a friendly relationship, they still announce your engagement in their names. If you and they have severed all ties, however, you may announce your own engagement in the following way:

The engagement of Miss Lisa Jean Barth to Mr. John Tyler Gibson is announced. . . .

Q. How are second-time engagements announced?
A. Second-time engagements are announced by personal note or telephone call. If it is important to you to have an announcement appear in the newspaper, however, you include the same information that you included the first time.

Q. What happens when an engagement is broken?
A. The bride must immediately return her engagement ring and all other presents of any value her fiancé has given her. Gifts should also be returned with a short note of explanation:

Dear Beth,
I am sorry to have to tell you that Brian and I have broken our engagement. Therefore I am returning the tablecloth that you were so sweet to send me.
Love, Jennifer

A notice reading, "The engagement of Miss Andrea Rogers and Mr. Everett Brduk has been broken by mutual consent," may also be sent to the newspapers that announced the engagement.

If the groom dies before the wedding, the bride may keep any gifts she has received, if she wishes, as well as her engagement ring. If the ring is a family heirloom, however, and she knows the groom's parents would like it to remain with their family, she would be considerate to offer to return it.

Q. How long should an engagement be?
A. The ideal length of an engagement is between three and six months, unless there are reasons for a longer one, such as the need to finish college or a long term yet to be served in the armed forces.

Wedding Planning Guide: Engagement (Part I)

Introduction
Weddings, which should always be a time of happiness and joy for all involved, often become filled with jitters, fatigue, anger and hurt feelings, simply because the planning process isn't organized easily or efficiently or because there is a battle over who is in charge.

Even though the wedding may be paid for by the parents of the bride or groom or both, the decisions belong to the bride and groom. The bride's feelings take precedence, whether the question concerns the guest list or the flavor of the wedding cake. Parental advice should never be ignored and is always valid from their point of view, but if there is a real conflict of opinion, the unwritten guideline is that parents must accede to the bride's wishes. After all, it is her day and her wedding!

The problems created by lack of organization are dealt with more easily if just a little time is put into the planning process. There is no reason to spoil an exciting period because important details are overlooked or put off until the last minute or because the people involved are not aware of their responsibilities.

This series provides answers to the most-asked questions about weddings from the time of an engagement right through the reception. Included are a suggested schedule; guidelines on apparel, personal expenses of the wedding party and 'what to ask the photographer, caterer, musicians and clergyperson; an efficient way to record gifts; the correct procedures for the members of the wedding party; and tips on giving and receiving gifts and the wedding ceremony itself. Because proper wedding planning follows a sequence, this series is arranged to aid the bride, the groom and their families in their own planning from start to finish. My hope is that by following these suggestions your wedding and all that leads up to it will be as lovely and enjoyable as it should be!

Q. We've just become-engaged.-My mother is waiting for his mother to call and his mother is waiting for my mother to call her. Which family makes the first move to meet the other?
A. As soon as the prospective groom has talked with his parents, his mother should telephone your mother, tell her how happy she is about the engagement and suggest they get together. If your parents live far away from the groom's parents, a visit should be arranged between the families. Whichever parents can travel most conveniently should make the trip.

If, however, the groom's parents do not realize they should make the initial move, your parents should quickly do so. The only thing that's really important is that your families get together in a spirit of friendship.

Q. My parents are divorced. Whom should my fiance's parents call?
A. The first call is made to the parent with whom you lived after the divorce or with whom you live now. If you also are close to your other parent, he or she should be called shortly thereafter.

Q. My fiance's parents are divorced. Which one of them should call my parents?
A. The parent with whom your fiance has been living, or with whom he lived after the divorce, is the one who makes the first move. If he lives alone, and neither his mother nor father has thought of contacting your parents, your parents should arrange to see his parents separately, usually meeting his mother first and his father shortly thereafter.

Q. May our engagement be announced before I receive an engagement ring?
A. Yes. An engagement ring is not essential to becoming engaged. If you have an engagement ring, you first wear it in public on the day of the official announcement of your engagement. It doesn't have to be a diamond. A diamond is still the usual choice, but colored stones, such as large semiprecious stones or your or your fiance's birthstone, have become popular in recent years.

Q. Who gives an engagement party and when is it held?
A. Once your and your fiance's parents have met, an engagement party may be held. The bride's family usually gives the engagement party. If they cannot afford to do so or are dead or perhaps live far away, the groom's family may give the party. The one requirement is that both you and your fiance be present.

Q. Who makes the announcement at an engagement party?
A. There are innumerable ways of breaking the news at the party, from balloons or cocktail napkins with your names printed on them to a decorated cake, and there is not a rule in the world to hamper your own imagination. Since your mother, you and your fiance should be standing at the, door to greet the guests, there is really little need for an announcement at all! However, the conventional announcement is made by the father of the bride-to-be, in the form of a toast.

Q. How might a toast to the future bride and groom be worded?
A. There are many simple but lovely toasts the bride's father may propose, such as, "Now you know that the reason for this party is to announce Sarah's engagement to Hank. I would like to propose a toast to them both, wishing them many, many years of happiness." Another choice could be, "Please drink with me to the happiness of the couple who are so close to our hearts—Sarah and Hank." A very brief toast may be, "Will you all join me in a toast to Sarah and Hank."

Q. Do either the future bride or groom respond to the toast at an engagement party?
A. During the toast, both remain seated while everyone else rises and drinks a little of his or her beverage. The groom, at this point, should reply to his fiancee's father's toast. All he need say is, "Sarah and I want to thank you all for being here and for your good wishes." He may, of course, be more eloquent, if he wishes. The groom's father usually follows with a toast to the bride and her family. It is not necessary for guests of the party to propose toasts, but it is perfectly proper if they wish to do so.

Q. My fiance lives in another city. May his parents give an engagement party to introduce me to their friends?
A. Unless the bride's family is unable to do so, they should not give an "official" engagement party. But they certainly may give a reception or a formal or informal party or dinner to offer you and their friends an opportunity to meet.

Q. Are gifts given at an engagement party?
A. Engagement gifts are not expected from friends and acquaintances. They usually are given only by relatives and very special friends, and they generally are given to the bride alone. Sometimes they are given by the groom's, family as a special welcome to the bride. Examples of engagement gifts would be something, personal, such as lingerie or jewelry, or something for the bride's linen trousseau—towels, a blanket cover, table linen or a decorative pillow. Presents should,not be taken to an engagement party. Since only close relatives and special friends give gifts, it can cause embarrassment to those who have not brought anything. If some guests do bring gifts, the bride should open them in private with only the donor present rather than making a display of them in front of those who did not bring anything.

In some localities and among many ethnic groups an engagement party isn't given to announce an engagement as much as it is given to celebrate the engagement. When this is the case in your family or among your neighbors, gifts are often brought to the party.. A highlight of this type of engagement party is to end the evening by sharing the couple's excitement as they open the gifts.

Q. Are written thank-you notes required for gifts given at an engagement party?
A. If the gifts are delivered to you in person and you thank the givers sincerely at the time, you need do nothing more, although a note is always welcome. If you haven't opened them in the presence of the givers, however, or if they are delivered to your or your fiance's homes, you should write a note of thanks immediately. You should also write notes promptly in response to all welcoming or congratulatory messages that you receive.

Q. May I send printed engagement announcements?
A. No, it is not in good taste to send, engraved or printed announcements. You may, and should, however, send notes to or call relatives and close friends to inform them of your engagement before an engagement party or newspaper announcement. This prevents them from reading it first in the newspapers and consequently suffering hurt feelings. If your engagement is to be announced at a surprise party, you may ask them not to tell anyone else. Relatives who receive notes should telephone or write the bride as soon as they receive the news.