Bridesmaid's Guide: The Party's Over

PSTD, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, is a reaction to a psychologically traumatic event outside the range of normal experience. It occurs erratically among veterans of war and manifests itself in recurrent nightmares, cold sweats when recollecting the battle experience, reluctance in deepening social relationships, feelings of guilt, and sleep disturbances.

The flower girl has caught the bouquet. The band is packing up. You've managed not to tear your dress while dancing and you've posed for candid shots with guests whose names you've forgotten. The bride and groom have thanked their parents and are on their way to a transatlantic honeymoon in a rented Bentley trailing shoes and soup cans. Rice is sticking to your hair. All is quiet in the jungle. Hey! The wedding is over.

You're feeling expansive, proud, and slightly deflated; you've survived and your performance merits an honorable discharge, but you feel you've lost a guerrilla to domesticity. You feel slightly older, but sense a hew perspective developing within you about the value of family and the importance of hallowed traditions you once pooh-poohed. When ambivalence begins settling in and making you feel irritable, congratulate the parents, bid farewell to out-of-town relatives or far-flung friends, and get the hell out! Return to your hotel room or, preferably, directly home.

If you are single, avoid indulging in too much circumspection now, as it will lead to depression. Instead of mourning the loss of a single friend and the husband you think you'll never find, treat yourself to a hot bath and ponder your next hair-raising adventure. Remember that old German proverb: Fur jeden Topf, gibt es eine Dekel ("For every lid, there is a pot"). Life is a banquet, and there are plenty of dishes you've yet to sample. So many men, so little time. If you are dating, relish the time you can spend with your beau that doesn't involve refereeing invitation-list-clutching mothers. Already married? Be grateful you've made it past that tough first year the couple is now entering and treat your husband to a night to remember.

As you mentally debrief yourself after the bridesmaid mission, follow these steps:

• Get rid of that dress! Rather than dumping it into the trash compactor, dry-clean it. A high-end cleaner will clean, spot-treat, and restore a gown to its original luster. Ask about an anti-sugar stain process that removes stubborn champagne and cake-icing stains. If the dress looks presentable, a consignment shop will give you half of whatever they receive for it. Also, thrift shops around the nation will take dresses in decent condition. You won't receive any money back but you can get a tax deductible and help a good cause at the same time. If you have a perverse sense of style, recycle the fabric for a pillow for your Labrador.
• Throw away the wilting flower arrangement you took from your table at the reception. Toss it sooner if it looks like Audrey II, the botanical specimen from Little Shop of Horrors.
• Make notes on how you would do a wedding differently.
• Sort through the phone numbers you collected from the ushers—-but don't call the suave one who smelled of Aqua Velva.
• Regale friends who don't know the bride with wedding anecdotes.
• Look forward to getting together with the bride when she comes back from her honeymoon full of stories.
• Rent movies or watch TV sitcoms that celebrate or will make you cling to the single life: Auntie Mame, First Wives Club, Fatal Attraction, All in the Family, Married ... With Children.

If you find yourself suffering from PWSD (Post-Wedding Stress Disorder), try therapy in one of these forms: strawberry Haagen-Dazs, an Italian black lace teddy, a new hair color, a Swedish massage from a man named Sven, Manolo Blahnik heels.
You are now ready to resume your life as a civilian!

Superstitions: If you sleep on a piece of the groom's cake, which in many cultures are handed out at the reception as favors, it is believed that your future spouse will come to you in your dreams.

Bridesmaid's Guide: When Things Go Awry (Part II)

Case #6: The Pesky Parasite
Alicia's dream was to be married in a redwood forest. Her bridesmaids agreed that this would be an enchanted wedding—until the mosquitoes descended upon them as the couple exchanged vows. Knowing they were being videotaped, the young ladies valiantly smiled while suffering a thousand stings. Then they spied a mosquito the size of a small sparrow alight on Alicia's bare back. The maid of honor bravely stepped forward and swatted the offending insect, realizing that to preserve the bride's unblemished back was of higher priority than affecting a seamless, agonizing performance for a tape that could be edited.

Moral: Know your territory and be prepared. In this case, it would have been sensible for the bridal party to share a can of bug repellent before donning their wedding outfits. At a beach, sunscreen is essential. For a wedding in New York, bring Mace, in Los Angeles, an oxygen inhaler.

Case #7: The Pregnant Maid of Honor
When Allison agreed to be Cynthia's maid of honor, she never anticipated that Cynthia's wedding would be postponed and rescheduled so that Cynthia could book her reception at the darling inn she and her fiance had discovered only three weeks before their original wedding date. A year after the original date, Allison had married her longtime beau and was enceinte. In her fifth month, she was starting to show. At a second shower for the still-bride-to-be Cynthia, Allison mentioned that she was having her dress for Cynthia's wedding altered to accommodate her new shape. Cynthia cleared her throat and studied her reflection in the bread knife. "Allie," Cynthia began, "you'll be eight months pregnant on my big day... it wouldn't look right next to the other-bridesmaids. I thought we might have Richard's sister stand in for you." Cynthia had never been more than cordial to Richard's seventeen-year-old sister, Trini, who incidentally was very photogenic and very thin.

What could Allison do? When Cynthia asked her to be her maid of honor, Allison was still a single, svelte woman, and Cynthia. was certainly entitled to include her future sister-in-law in her. wedding party. Allison let Cynthia's rude comment hang in the. air and endured the rest of the shower. The next day she phoned Cynthia and told her that she was mailing her the dress along with the original bill so Trini could reimburse her. She wished' Cynthia well and said that she hoped Cynthia would understand if she wasn't feeling up to being at the ceremony. The day of the wedding, Allison and her husband sent Cynthia and Richard a lovely letter of congratulations.
Moral: Know the friends you pledge your assistance to, and be sure they are worthy of your love and patience. Don't let a fretful bride lead you down a path of increasing financial burdens and inconveniences. Strive for graciousness even when the bride behaves in a selfish or just plain undignified manner.

Case #8: Bad Hair
The prospect of sharing a hairstylist with nine other women didn't appeal to Tawny, so she begged her regular hairdresser, the tal ented Josef, to fit her in for a last-minute appointment. She needed undivided attention for her long, temperamental tresses. In her bridesmaid dress, Tawny sped to the salon, where Josef coiffed her mane to perfection. Slightly late, she raced her fire-engine BMW convertible to get to the outdoor ceremony on time One glance in the rear view mirror confirmed that the salon's hair sprays was no match for 75-mph winds. While trying to fold a scarf over ) her elaborate 'do, Tawny smeared red nail lacquer on her nose. Undeterred, tires squealing, she parked in front of the Audubon club and made it to the rose garden as the music began. Two minutes later, before a single photograph had been taken, a blue bird flew overhead and left a slimy calling card atop Tawny's head.

Moral: Don't leave all your grooming preparations until the last minute. Unless you want to risk life, limb and bouffant, leave yourself plenty of time to get to the altar. The bridesmaids hair and nails should be done by a professional on site, or at a salon with prearranged transportation waiting. If you think hair is more important than being available for the bride before the ceremony, you should be a hairdresser, not a bridesmaid.

Case #9: The Felonious Limousine Driver
The bride's family had arranged for a fleet of limousines to transport guests from the church to the reception. Four bridesmaids in one limo were alarmed when their driver took a left turn instead of following the other cars. They were furious when he joked that he was going to sell them into white slavery. One bridesmaid peeled off her pantyhose and blindfolded him while another grabbed the wheel. A third bridesmaid was able to call the police with the cellular phone hidden in her bouquet. Unflustered, they . arrived in time for the wedding photographs.
Moral: Don't let a nutcase or a hijacking stop you from getting the job done. Your outfit is replete with weapons. Use a stiletto heel to bring the enemy to his knees; garrote him with an under-wire brassiere; pierce his eardrum with a bobby pin. (See "Wedding Survival Kit")

Case #10: The Waltz That Wasn't
At a country-club wedding in Maine, a flamenco band showed up to substitute for the orchestra the bride had hired. There were many older folks at the wedding, and the bride and groom had felt that everyone would enjoy some big-band music. The bride was in tears and refused to enter the ballroom until she heard shouts of merriment accompanying the exotic music. Her bridesmaids were teaching her uncles, all in their seventies, how to flamenco! She decided to follow in their footsteps and the dancing lasted until past midnight.
Moral: Always set an example for the less spontaneous with your flexibility and enthusiasm.

Case #11: The Lecherous Photographer
After an hour of posing for wedding photographs, the bridesmaids realized that the photographer had positioned them so the afternoon sun was shining through their linen dresses, outlining their bare legs. Annoyed, one of the bridesmaids told him he'd have to reshoot the two rolls of film he had already taken. When he refused, she found a beefy usher who was only too happy to be of service. The photographer handed over the erotic film and performed his job as instructed for the rest of the session.
Moral: Take advantage of the one thing that ushers have to offer—brawn. Other than that, they primarily serve as decoration!

Case #13: The Missing Crabs
A seafood-loving bride hired a caterer that was famous for his Cajun flavored soft-shell crabs. Her entire wedding carried out a Cajun theme. Unfortunately, the caterer's truck overheated en route to the reception. His assistant saved everything but the crabs. The New Orleans bride was devastated. Her maid of honor, a chef from New York, grabbed a local usher and ordered him to drive her to the area's largest fish store. She bought a mess of clams and rescued the reception with a Long Island-style clambake.
Moral: Share your hidden talents to save the day. Always find a safe man or woman to be your chauffeur in unfamiliar cities.

Case #13: The Tidal Wave
At a wedding held on a Caribbean island during hurricane season, a ceremony was taking place aboard a yacht. Suddenly, a tidal wave broke over the side, leaving the entire wedding party drenched but unharmed. When the best man reached into his pocket for the wedding ring, he realized it had washed away. The next day, a plucky bridesmaid rented a metal detector and walked the entire perimeter of the island until she found the antique platinum ring.
Moral: You can never place enough importance on the ring.

Remember those folks who told you that no more is required of a bridesmaid than to look beautiful while walking up the aisle? These are the same clowns who, when giving directions to a local church in a countryside of rolling hills and winding roads, say to an out-of-towner in a rented car, "You can't miss it." You know better.

Every wedding represents an adventure from which dozens of anecdotes can be collected. The exemplary attendant stores away the most outrageous war stories for her granddaughter, imparting to her when she comes of age the wisdom of the guerrilla bridesmaid.

Bridesmaid's Guide: When Things Go Awry (Part I)

A host is like a general; it takes a mishap to reveal his genius.
—horace

Unforeseen events, in weddings as in war, can mar the best-laid plans. The ever-vigilant bridesmaid anticipates the unexpected and is always ready to spring to action. As a bridesmaid, you are a deputy hostess—a responsibility all the more urgent when the bride is suddenly indisposed or when things go awry. Brides have been known to faint when wedding tents collapse, rings are lost, or florists deliver the wrong flowers. This is your time to shine. The wedding disaster is an opportunity for the bridesmaid to show her mettle and prove she is more than just another pretty face. The old and young will gaze upon you in wonder and ask in awestruck tones, "Who is that bonneted maiden?" You will go down in family history as the spirited heroine who helped avert a crisis with her quick thinking and good humor. Or at least the bride will be really grateful. Of course, there are some instances when an extraordinary bridesmaid is the unsung heroine. With absolute discretion, she takes measures to ensure that no one ever finds out the nature of the calamity that she has forestalled.

You've heard the stories from friends and sisters who have returned from the field. Sometimes the bride has tantrums. She hurls her new china at the groom when he nonchalantly observes that his ex-wife registered for the same pattern. She isn't talking to her future in-laws because they want to serve whitefish at the rehearsal dinner. She's fired the priest because he won't refer to God as "She" during the service. Overnight/ a fun-loving single woman has transformed into the finicky future Mrs. Fuss, lamenting aloud when surrounded by well-intentioned friends that nothing is as perfect as she had imagined it would be. Reaching for an ever-changing vision, she tears more pages out of Bride magazine and runs to the bridal shop to select new bridesmaid gowns hours before the wedding, or she dictates that all bridesmaids must report to the beauty salon for lime-green manicures. Never mind that they are wearing elbow-length gloves! Yes, sometimes the bride goes mad, and you'd better expect it. Roll your eyes when she's not watching and cluck-sympathetically—but proceed, because it is your task to help turn the wheels of the great marriage machine.

Occasionally the bride's behavior is exemplary, and what goes wrong has nothing to do with her whatsoever. Of course, you could be the most capable, stalwart bridesmaid on earth, but a confluence of events—weather, roadblocks, bad hair—can conspire to make you look bad. Sometimes beyond etiquette, above manners, a bridesmaid needs ingenuity to help her cope. What to do when the mudpack hits the fan? Here are some stories about disasters major and minor that feature bridesmaids who either rescued the bride from years of psychoanalysis, or who, in retrospect, wish they'd been a little more alert. These heroic and cautionary tales will remind you to remain calm when confronted with any crisis on that red-letter day.

Case #1: The Broken Engagement
Teddy Simpson and Alexandra Albright were the perfect romantic couple and for seven years had been the envy of many of their friends. Continuing a great family tradition, they met during their junior year at Princeton, where Mr. and Mrs. Simpson had met and where Mr. Albright had first laid eyes on Mrs. Albright. Their parents were such major benefactors that the college president happily gave their children personal parking lots. For two years, Teddy's hunter-green Triumph sat cozily next to Alexan-dra's orange Karmann Ghia as Teddy and Alexandra strolled hand in hand along the paths of the idyllic campus.

When they graduated, Teddy gave Alexandra his grandmother's emerald-and-diamond ring. Their mothers began planning the wedding. Teddy went to Harvard for his MBA and Alexandra took an assistant's job at Sotheby's. Shortly after Teddy became an associate at Morgan Stanley, 350 family friends received the long-awaited wedding invitations. Ten of Alexandra's girlfriends were fitted for bridesmaid dresses at the Vera Wang Salon on Madison Avenue. Then, four days before the wedding, all the invited guests received Federal Express packages with an announcement that read, "Mr. and Mrs. Chase Albright announce that the marriage of their daughter Alexandra Wells Albright to Mr. Theodore Burke Simpson, by mutual agreement, will not take place."

Only the maid of honor, Siobhan O'Reilly, knew the details of the drama that had gone on behind oak-paneled doors. Shortly after Alexandra had moved to New York, she met an Arab importer who whisked her away on a magic-carpet ride of the world's glittering cities every weekend she didn't dutifully board Amtrak to visit Teddy in Cambridge. Teddy no longer seemed to offer the same excitement and, more infuriatingly, had developed a habit of patting her on the head and giving her a peck on the cheek before dozing off every night. When Alexandra confided to Siobhan that it had been six months since she and Teddy had done anything more strenuous in bed than pass sections of the Sunday paper to each other, Siobhan sat her down and poured some brandy into her tea. It didn't take Alexandra long to realize that she didn't want to go to every Princeton homecoming game for the next 30 years with Teddy, though he had been her first love. She gave Teddy his ring back and named her first child Siobhan al Hussein, after the friend who made her open her eyes. Teddy is happily married to a woman he never makes love to with the lights on. The Simpson parents still do not talk to the Albrights.

Moral: Be an intuitive bridesmaid. All brides have last-minute jitters, but some have grave second thoughts that need to be aired. Listen sympathetically and tell the bride she'll have your support no matter what. If she wants to back out, there will be some hell to pay, but nothing so terrible as what she would go through in a divorce. A canceled wedding is an awkward and sad time, even if some of the major players are terribly relieved. Whether you hear firsthand, by letter, or by phone, don't ask a lot of impertinent questions that will compound somebody's humiliation and never, ever let on that you were there when it happened.

Case #2: The Lost Groom
The morning of Josh and Laura's wedding, Josh disappeared. His parents were distressed, but hesitant to call Laura and give her what could only be upsetting news. They roused a stuporous Jamie, his brother and best man, who confessed he could not recall anything about the bachelor party the night before. Fortunately their sister, Amy, had overheard Jamie's plans for the night's activities. She retrieved an unconscious Josh from the floor of a downtown topless bar and dropped him off at home before driving to Laura's house to join the other bridesmaids. Amy never mentioned the pathetic but harmless incident to Laura and received a round-trip ticket to Aruba from her appreciative brother.

Moral: If the couple really loves each other, don't let them see each other in a negative light in the hectic days leading up to the event that will forever join their fates.

Case #3: The Broken Arm
Bonnie was a very athletic, outdoorsy kind of girl. When she got engaged, her friends thought it would fun to throw her a ski shower, even though it was April and they all lived in San Francisco. Everyone brought a ski-related gift—long underwear instead of lingerie, new ski poles, certificates for lift tickets, and so on. One bridesmaid bought her roller blades. Bonnie eagerly bounded down the stairs and laced them up. Off she zoomed down the hill, blond hair flying. Twenty endless minutes ticked by on the hallway clock before the bridesmaids began exchanging glances. They found her two miles away, clutching her elbow and receiving affectionate licks from the basset hound that had gotten in her way. Her white cast matched her wedding dress, but she and the groom had to make alternate honeymoon plans, as their ski vacation in Peru was out of the question.
Moral: Don't let the bride use her shower gifts until after she is married.

Case #4: The Couple on the Lam
Thomas's parents, blue-collar Long Island Catholics, were upset that his wedding to Ruth was not going to be held in their church. Her parents, Orthodox Jewish psychiatrists, had insisted on a synagogue miles away in New Jersey. Thomas and Ruth heard nothing but dire warnings from their parents about what a mismatched pair they were and endured months of grilling about how they would raise their as-yet-unborn children. Finally, in exasperation, Thomas and Ruth enlisted the help of their attendants to plan their elopement. Sans parents, Ruth and Thomas, along with the maid of honor and best man, flew to Las Vegas to be married. The attendants remaining in New Jersey made up excuses for the couple's absence until the deed was done.
Moral: Sometimes attendants may be called upon to perform in absentia. The most celebratory wedding doesn't have to be the wedding that happened the way it was planned.

Case #5: The Bride and the Best Man
The music was already playing, but the bride, Linda, hadn't reappeared after exclaiming that she'd left her blue garter in her bedroom and running back to her parents' house. Nancy, the maid of honor, couldn't find Linda in her room, and slowly walked back downstairs. Pausing by the library doors, she heard Linda's voice Relieved, she swung open the door, only to stop herself short from entering. Linda, in her wedding dress, was on the leather sofa? nibbling the best man's earlobe! Aghast, a blushing Linda tried to explain herself to Nancy as the best man adjusted himself with st-rakish grin. Nancy held out a firm hand and shook her head "Linda, don't give me any bullshit. You're stressed and you've1 momentarily lost your mind. Fix your lipstick and get your derrière outside." Linda ran past Nancy, who in one motion took a-bold step forward and slapped the out-of-town best man across, his too-handsome face. "This never happened and you're.on the-next flight out of here." She turned on her peach peau de soie heel and made it back to the processional line without a hair infer chignon out of place. Moral: See the Moral for Case #2. Keep a level head and be prepared for all kinds of hijinks. Don't let the bride's behavior faze you.

Bridesmaid's Guide: At the Wedding (Part II)

It's perfectly okay to drink incessantly, line dance, and flirt with the drummer, but don't forget you're still on duty here and have obligations to the bride. Periodically check in with her and see if she needs you for anything. Make sure she gets something to eat (with all of that running around from table to table, her food may be whisked away by the waiters before she even tastes it); confirm that her makeup is holding up; help her into the bathroom if necessary. While you'll be satisfying the requirements of a bridesmaid, you'll also be fulfilling the most important duty of all, having a great time.

Superstitions: Guests around the world throw rice or grain at the newlyweds to symbolize fertility and growth in their new life together.

Your Date
This brings us to a very important and sensitive matter. What if you're attached and would like your significant other to attend the wedding as your date?

Bear in mind that it is not necessarily your "right" as a bridesmaid to invite a guest. Guest lists are carefully compiled with a sharp eye on the bottom line; relationships are weighed against the cost per head quoted to the bride and groom by the caterers. If you are not invited with a guest, it isn't because the bride hates your boyfriend (at least that shouldn't be the reason). It's more likely that the reception hall can hold only so many people, and the guest list must be Hmited accordingly. Guest lists are like tiered wedding cakes; intimate family and closest friends are on top, and very extended family and acquaintances are on the bottom. Sounds simple, but think about how the bride's second cousin Trisha will feel if second cousin Lisa is invited and she isn't. The point is that people are invited in groups. If one person from the group is omitted, then they are doubly offended when they discover that people on the same tier are holding invitations to the big event. This applies to boyfriends and significant others as well. The bride and groom can't invite one person with a guest and then tell another guest that they cannot bring a date.
While you may be thinking, "But it's only one person," think again. There are probably ten other people who would like to bring dates; ten people is the equivalent of an additional table. For moderate-sized weddings of approximately 100-150 guests, the line today is typically drawn at engaged couples or live-in partners. Smaller weddings will preclude all guests except for spouses; larger weddings usually allow for guests to bring the milkman if they so please. If you feel strongly about having your significant other by your side at the wedding, it is acceptable to ask the bride if you may bring a date, but be conscientious and make it clear that you understand her dilemma.

If the bride agrees, you have another potential problem on your hands. You are, after all, on duty; being at someone else's beck and call doesn't always make for the greatest date. Often a date is brushed aside due to bridesmaid responsibilities—he can't sit with his date at dinner because she's at the table for the wedding party, he's in limbo during the formal pictures, and so on. For more established relationships, leaving your date to fend for himself isn't much of a problem. However, if your date is someone relatively new (we know of a bridesmaid who had a first date at a wedding) and hasn't met your friends, you may have bitten off more than you can chew. If you are considering bringing a date to the wedding, respond to the following statements with a "yes" or "no" to determine if you are better off going stag:

Y N
_ _ 1. I have met my date at least twice before.
_ _ 2. My date knows my bra size.
_ _ 3. My date has met the bride and/or the groom.
_ _ 4. My date is friendly with the bride and/or the groom.
_ _ 5. My date knows other people who will be at the wedding.
_ _ 6. My date has seen me naked in the daylight.
_ _ 7. My date calls me by a pet name.
_ _ 8. My date calls parts of me by a pet name.

If you responded "yes" to more than five of these statements, you should know your significant other well enough to know whether or not he would have fun at the wedding even though your attention is drawn elsewhere. If you responded "no" to more than five, think twice before you bring that date. You'll be in the thick of the wedding festivities and he'll feel out of place; you may even feel burdened. If you answered "no" to all of the above, GO SOLO! You'll have a better chance of getting lucky with the bandleader.

For a single bridesmaid, a wedding is a great place to find a date. You're in the limelight; you're perfectly coiffed; people are asking you to dance. And we've never heard of anyone being rude to a bridesmaid (it's right up there with cursing at a nun). Use,, the opportunity to walk up to that cute guy at the bar and tell him it's a bridesmaid's duty to dance with every single man at. the wedding. It's easier to be bold when you're wearing a brightly' colored taffeta dress. Take advantage of your position and keep a'; pen and paper in your garter belt.

Superstitions: In some rural Chinese villages, sugar cane is tied together with ribbons representing wishes for the bride and groom's life together to be sweet.

Catching the Bouquet
The throwing of the bridal bouquet is one of the most common reception traditions. There are several theories as to where the custom of the bouquet toss originated. One belief stems from early England, when it was believed that the bride was endowed with the power to transmit good luck to another person. People at the wedding tried to tear away bits of her clothing, and tried to snatch her flowers and headpiece. In self-defense she would throw her bouquet to the grabby crowd. In fourteenth-century France, throwing your bouquet was considered more demure than tossing your undergarments (garter). Either way, the belief was that the single woman who caught the bouquet would be the next to marry.

Unfortunately, for every winner, there are numerous losers; in order for one woman to walk away from the toss triumphant, the rest of the single women have to return to their seats, dejected. Due to the advances of feminism in recent years, many brides have chosen to forgo this tradition, which holds maidens up as poor pathetic creatures who need a man in their life. And grateful women around the country have heaved a collective sigh of relief.'

However, many brides like to stick with tradition and feel compelled to include this ceremonial toss in their reception schedule. As a bridesmaid, it is important to note that if you are single, you must participate. You don't have to make an enthusiastic dive for the posies, but you should at least put your arms up at half mast. Of course, if you really just can't bear the ritual, hide out in the bathroom until it's over.

Toasting the Bride and Groom
Though toasting the bride and groom is traditionally the bailiwick of the best man and the father of the bride, many people are so moved at a wedding that they feel compelled to speak. While the bride and groom have most likely worked out a schedule of toasts with the band, these impromptu speeches are a common occurrence as the evening wanes and the liquor disappears. If you are the honor attendant, you may want to express your best wishes for the couple ahead of time. Giving a toast can be a very nerve-wracking experience; even the most articulate people get awfully tongue-tied when they're full of emotion and champagne. As a bridesmaid, however, you are not obligated to give a toast at the wedding and should really only do so if no one else from the bride's side is planning to make a toast, and if the general consensus among the other bridesmaids is that you should be the spokesperson. If you do decide before the wedding that you will get up and speak at the reception, we recommend that you put together a few well-chosen words ahead of time. If you are inspired to speak in the heat of the moment, just try to keep it simple. Branching off into detailed recollections about your shared youth with the groom and playing doctor in his garage may make the guests squirm in their chairs. Resist the temptation to blabber, and try to keep your toast short. Food gets cold and people get bored. If you can't keep it short, put it in a letter and give it to the bride and groom after the wedding.

Toasting Tips

• Shared childhood or school memories are always a touching source of material upon which to base a toast.
• Simple congratulations and well-wishing work nicely too.
• Speak up so everyone in back can hear you.

Superstitions: Something old, something new, something borrowed, something blue: this superstition is perhaps the most recognized. The "old" represents the good luck of the bride's single life being carried into her married life; the "new" symbolizes her new life with her husband; "borrowed" is the tie that binds her to friends and community; and "blue" is for purity and fidelity.

Bridesmaid's Guide: At the Wedding (Part I)

THE WEDDING DAY
The shower was glorious, the bachelorette party was a bash, the rehearsal went off without a hitch, and you received a beautiful Elsa Perpetti pendant as a gift from the bride for your services. With the help of Valium or meditation and herbal tea, you've gotten a good night's rest. Your nails haven't chipped yet and that blemish on your chin is finally disappearing. Even the raspberry-colored taffeta bridesmaid gown looks kind of fetching in the light of the new day. You're feeling in control and confident. You've been training for months, preparing and planning. Yessiree, W-Day is looking pretty manageable from the toasty confines of youi bed.
Well, pardon the wake-up call, but the real battle still lies ahead. You've survived basic training but, as a bridesmaid, the wedding is where you pull together everything you've learned in bool camp. All of your preparation, your meticulous planning—today is the day you will use it.
If you've planned well and prepared thoughtfully, you should be able to make it through this day with very few problems (barring acts of God and those little things that lawmaker named Murphy always talks about). If not, well, there's still time to make up for it. Consult the maid of honor as early in the day as possible (wake her up at the crack of dawn if you have to) and get the plan for the day. You're a modern woman—have her fax it to you. Then follow the checklist below, gather your things together, and get your butt out the door.

Superstitions: If the bride writes the names of her unmarried friends on the sole of her shoe before she walks down the aisle, the name that rubs off first will be the next person to get married.

WEDDING-DAY CHECKLIST

• Wedding Survival Kit
• Dress
• Shoes
• Two pairs of pantyhose or stockings/garter belt
• Directions (with any emergency contact phone numbers)
• Invitation
• Makeup
• Handbag
• Underwear (optional)
• Bra/bustier
• Required headgear/ extra pony tail holder or barrette
• Extra change (for phone calls) and a few twenty-dollar bills (like your mother always told you—"just in case!")
• Camera

PRIMPING
Primping with the bride and the other bridesmaids is one of the best parts of being in the wedding party. You're sitting around with the girls, chatting and munching on snacks, while people play with your hair. There is a lot of excitement surrounding a wedding. When a friend's marriage is about to become a reality and you are a member of the wedding party, you're in the thick of it all. Break out the camera and take pictures.

If you are getting your hair done professionally, wear a button-down shirt. One dedicated bridesmaid we know spent a small fortune to have her hair done at a salon alongside the bride. Her hair looked gorgeous, but how in the world was she supposed to take off her tiny T-shirt without mussing the new coif? Another bridesmaid had to cut the shirt off her body!
Celebrity Trivia: When she wed Senator John F. Kennedy in 1953, Jacqueline Bouvier's bridesmaids wore pink silk faille and red satin gowns created by African-American designer Ann Lowe. Jackie's sister Lee Radziwill served as her matron of honor a second time when she wed Aristotle Onassis in 1968.

"CHEESE!"
Formal wedding photographs are the bane of every bridesmaid's existence. You're on your feet wearing spiked heels in soft grass, standing totally stiff in a dress that's too tight, attempting to hold a smile while the photographer asks you to "turn this way" for about the 400th time. You're trying to banish thoughts of pulling an Alec Baldwin and putting your fist through his camera lens when the photographer finally says, "Okay, now the ushers." Ah, sweet relief.

Professional photos are a prerequisite of almost every wedding. Whether the pictures are taken by Bachrach or the groom's second cousin, formal photos capture everyone looking their best and provide the bride and groom, as well as the rest of the wedding party, with a special and irreplaceable memento of the wedding day.

While the bride will most likely have given the photographer a list of photos she particularly wants taken, many of which will include the bridal party, be sure to ask the bride for a photograph with her alone and make sure she gets one with all of her female attendants. Chances are that in the flurry of the millions of things the bride has tried to prepare for, she may have forgotten to request these two shots and she'll be grateful that you reminded her. These two photos make great keepsakes for you and the bride. Whatever you do, don't go directly to the photographer and start requesting pictures of you with your boyfriend. He or she is hired by the bride and groom, under their instruction, and is there to capture their day, not your good side. If you start insisting on certain photos, you might detract from what the bride and groom really want. If there is a photo you would really like taken, there is plenty of time at the reception to place yourself in front of the photographer's lens.

Celebrity Trivia: Carolyn Bessette chose John F. Kennedy, Jr.'s sister, Caroline Schlossberg, and not one of her own, to serve as her matron of honor at their secluded 1996 wedding.

TRIPPING DOWN THE AISLE: THE PROCESSIONAL
Well, you've practiced your march and you know your position. All that's left to do is focus on the end of the aisle, smile, and try not to trip. The following are a few helpful hints for marching gracefully down the aisle:

• For a Christian processional, leave three or four pews between you and the pair in front of you.
• For a Jewish processional, leave half the length of the aisle (unless instructed otherwise).
• Don't hum to the music.
• Be careful of runners, as they tend to scrunch up.
• Don't blatantly scan the congregation for your friends.
• Don't drag your feet.
• Don't drag your partner.
• Don't make small talk with your partner, even if he is cute. There's plenty of time for that at the reception.

HE DOES, SHE DOES: THE CEREMONY
OK, you've successfully maneuvered your way down the aisle, you've all formed an almost perfect V shape, and a roomful of strangers are now staring back at you. You feel very important. The following hints are designed to help you maintain that facade of poise:

1. Don't chat with your neighbor—even if she is dying to tell you about how she left the rehearsal dinner with the best man.
2. Don't swing your flowers.
3. If you have to blow your nose, do so discreetly (hide a tissue in your hand under your bouquet before you go down the aisle). Dabbing is better than blowing.
4. Don't clear your throat when the officiant asks if anyone objects to the union.
5. Do try to look interested in the ceremony. Or inspired. Or just serene.

WHAT GOES UP, MUST COME DOWN: THE RECESSIONAL
Finally ... on to the reception! The best advice we can give here is don't turn a stately walk down the aisle into a mad dash in a fervor to get to that punch bowl.

THE RECEPTION
The Receiving Line
As guests begin to filter in to the reception, most likely, if there are more than 50 guests, there will be a receiving line to greet them. The order goes like this:
First in line—Bride's mother
Second in line—Bride's father (optional)
Third in line—Groom's mother
Fourth in line—Groom's father (optional)
Fifth in line—Bride
Sixth in line—Groom
Seventh in line—Maid of honor
Eighth in line (and so on ... )—Bridesmaids (they may stand in any order they choose)
Superstitions: An old wives' tale says that if your younger sister gets married first, you have to dance barefoot at her wedding or you'll never find a husband.

The Party!
Once the guests have been properly greeted and have had their opportunity to hug the mothers and kiss the bride, FINALLY it's time to party. Everyone knows that the reception is the big party that follows the ceremony, where the guests get to celebrate the marriage with the newlyweds. You mingle with the guests, drink to your heart's content, and dance till your feet hurt. Most wedding receptions follow a format similar to this one:

1. The bride and groom are introduced to the crowd.
2. The new couple dance first.
3. The parents and bridal party join the couple on the dance floor.
4. Everyone joins the bridal party on the dance floor.
5. Everyone sits down for the first course or salad (if a buffet is served, people begin to eat).
6. People dance.
7. The main course is served (if it's a buffet, people continue to eat).
8. People dance more.
9. The bride dances with her father. 10. The groom dances with his mother.
11. More dancing and drinking.
12. The bride and groom cut the cake.
13. Dessert is served (if it's a buffet, the grazing continues).
14. More dancing and drinking.
15. The bride tosses her bouquet.
16. The groom tosses the bride's garter.
17. The best man tosses his cookies.
18. The man who catches the garter puts it on the leg of the woman who caught the bouquet.
19. The reception comes to a close and the newlyweds take off for Tahiti.

Wedding Planning Guide: The Reception

Q. Who should stand next to whom in the receiving line at my reception?
A. The bride's mother stands at the head of the line to greet the guests. The groom's mother stands next. If the two fathers are part of the receiving line, which is optional, the father of the bride is second in the line and the father of the groom stands after his wife. Next is the bride, followed by the groom and then the maid of honor. The bridesmaids would be next in line. Their presence is quite correct but is optional and at the discretion of the bride.

At a very large formal wedding there is occasionally an announcer standing next to the bride's mother. He asks the guests their names as they approach and repeats the names to the mother of the bride.

Q. My parents are divorced. Do they both stand in the receiving line?
A. The traditional receiving line does not include the fathers. Regardless of the marital status of the parents, only the mothers of the bride and groom stand in the receiving line.

Q. Who sits at the parents' table during the reception?
A. The mother and father of both the bride and the groom, the grandparents," the clergyman who performs the ceremony and his or her spouse are included. If there is room, godparents, relatives and close family friends are also seated at this table. At large receptions there are sometimes separate parents' tables for the groom's parents and the bride's parents. This is perfectly correct, but not as much in keeping with the symbolism of "joining" that a wedding represents.

Q. How should my parents, who are divorced, be seated at the reception?
A. Divorced parents of the bride or groom are never seated together at the parents' table. If they are reasonably friendly, the parent giving the reception will invite the other, but will seat him or her at a separate table. Stepparents are included at the parents' tables, assuming that he or she gets along with the stepchild —-the bride or groom, if there has been great bitterness, it is best that the parent who is not giving the wedding, and his spouse, not attend the reception at all even though they go to the marriage ceremony. If the bride or groom insists, the father or mother might come for a short time, but to avoid possible unpleasantness his or her spouse should tactfully stay away.

Q. Who sits at the table with the bride and groom?
A. When there is a bride's table, the bride and groom sit at the center with the maid of honor on the groom's left and the best man on the bride's right. The other attendants sit on either side. Insofar as possible, men and women alternate. Attendants' husbands, wives and fiancé(é)s should also be seated at the table, and live-in companions are included if there is room."
It is also correct for the bride and groom to circulate among their guests rather than be seated at a bridal table. There should, however, be one reserved table, large enough to seat the attendants, too, so that the bride and groom may always have a place to sit down to eat. In this case, married attendants may be seated at other tables with their spouses, but should be "on call" to gather for the best man's toast and the cutting of the cake as well as to check frequently with the bride and groom to see if there is anything they can do for them.

Q. Who makes toasts at the reception and when are they made?
A. After the receiving line has disbanded, the bridal party seated and all champagne glasses filled, the best man rises and makes the first toast to the bride and groom. Other members of the bridal party may propose toasts, and the groom generally toasts his bride and his new in-laws
If there is no bridal table, the attendants form a group when the receiving line finishes and the best man, asking for silence, offers his toast.

Q. What sort of toasts are appropriate?
A. A best man's toast to the bridal couple may be something like: "To Jessica and Michael—may they always be as happy as they look today." The prime ingredient in an appropriate toast is simply that the sentiment be from the heart.

After the best man has made his toast, the groom may propose a toast to his new bride.

Q. Are congratulatory telegrams read aloud?
A. If telegrams have been received they are read aloud by the best man following the toasts. He then gives the telegrams to the bride's parents for safekeeping ,until the bride and groom return from their honeymoon and are able to acknowledge them.

Q. After we dance the first dance,- what is the order for dancing at the reception?
A. The groom's father usually cuts in on the bride and groom and the groom asks the bride's mother to dance. The bride's father dances with the bride next, the groom's father cuts in on the bride's mother and the groom asks.his own mother to dance. The best man usually is fourth to dance with the bride. The precise order is not important so long as each of the principal men dances with the bride and the mothers first. The dancing, after that, becomes general.

Q. When is the wedding cake cut, and what is the procedure?
A. At a sit-down reception the cake is cut just before dessert is served. When the reception is a buffet, the cake is cut later, usually shortly before the bride and groom leave.

The bride cuts the first two slices, with the groom helping by placing his hand over hers. He feeds her the first bite and she feeds him the second—but neatly, with no squishing of cake and icing into each other's faces! When,the ceremony is completed, a waiter cuts the rest of the cake and others pass it to the guests.

Q. When does the bride throw the bouquet?
A. After the cake is cut and before the bride leaves to change her clothes.
Q. Do I give favors to my wedding guests? A. Among many ethnic groups favors are given to all guests at the reception. Whether or not you choose to give them will depend upon tradition within your family. Favors vary from a small, wrapped piece of wedding cake to gold charms!

Wedding Planning Guide: Planning the Reception (Part III)

Q. Can you give me. a checklist to help organize the three months prior to the wedding?
A. Yes. Keep the checklist in à convenient place where it can be referred to regularly and additions made or items crossed off as they are attended to.

Three Months Ahead of the Wedding
1. Decide on the type of wedding and reception you want and the degree of formality and the size.
2. With your clergyman's cooperation, set the date and hour of the wedding.
3. With your fiancé, make an appointment for a personal talk with your clergyman.
4. Choose attendants and ask them to serve.
5. Make out your guest list and ask the groom and his family to send their lists to you as soon as possible. Tell them approximately how many guests they may invite, to stay within your limit. A card file is thé most efficient system.
6. Order the invitations and announcements.
7. Order your bridal gown and those of your attendants.
8. Talk to the pastor, sexton and organist about music, decorations and procedure at the ceremony.
9. Engage the caterer if the reception is to be at home.
10. Reserve the club, hotel room, restaurant or hall if the reception is not to be at home.
11. Engage the services of a florist.
12. Make an appointment with a photographer for
your formal wedding portraits, and reserve time for candid shots the day of the wedding.
13. If you plan to have live music at your reception, hire the orchestra or musician.
14. Hire limousines, if necessary, for transporting the bridal party to the church and from the church to the reception.
15. If the wedding is to be at home, make arrangements for repairs, painting, cleaning.
16. If you wish, order notepaper for thank-you notes monogrammed with initials of your maiden name, and paper with your married initials for later.
17. Start to shop for your household trousseau and your personal trousseau.
18. Select your china, crystal and silver patterns.

Two Months Before the Wedding
1. Notify your bridesmaids about their fittings and accessories. If possible, have shoes dyed in one lot.
2. Select gifts for your bridesmaids and a gift foi your groom if you intend to give him one.
3. Go to local gift and department stores and list your choices in their bridal registries.
4. At the time of, or soon after, the final fitting of your wedding dress, have the formal bridal photographs taken.
5. Make detailed plans with the caterer or manager of your club or hotel. This includes menu, seating arrangements, parking and so on.
6. Make medical and dental appointments, and be. sure to make an appointment with your hairdresser for the day of your wedding or a day or two before.
7. Go apartment- or house-hunting with your groom.
8. Address and stuff wedding invitations when they arrive or obtain envelopes when ordering invitations and address them earlier.
9. Make housing arrangements for out-of-town attendants and guests.

The Last Month
1. Mail the invitations three to four weeks before the wedding.
2. Check with your groom about his blood test and the marriage license.
3. With your groom, select your wedding ring— and his, if it is to be a double-ring ceremony.
4. Set up the tables for the display of wedding gifts.
5. Record all gifts and write thank-yous as they arrive.
6. Make a list of your honeymoon clothing and start setting it aside and packing as much as possible.
7. Check on all accessories for your wedding costume and also for those of your bridesmaids.
8. Make final arrangements with the professionals who are working with you—florist, photographer, caterer.
9. Change your name and address on all documents, such as driver's license and checking account.

10. Check your luggage to-be sure it is adequate and in good condition.
11. See about a floater insurance policy to coyer your wedding gifts—especially if you display them.
12. Arrange for a bridesmaids' luncheon if you wish to give one.
13. Address the announcements, enclose them in their envelopes and give them to your mother or a friend to mail the day after the wedding.
14. Make arrangements for a place for the bridesmaids to dress. It is best if they are all-together, whether in your home, at a friend's house or in a room in the church.
15. Plan the seating of the bridal table and the parents' table at the reception, and make out place cards for them.
16. Send your wedding announcement to the newspapers, with your wedding portrait if you wish. Large papers will send you their own form to be filled out.

The Day of the Wedding
1. In the morning:
Have hair done or shampoo and set it yourself. Pick up any orders that are not to be delivered— flowers, food, etc.
2. Two hours before ceremony:
Have bridesmaids arrive at your home to dress and to assist you with last-minute chores or emergencies.
3. One hour before: Bathe and dress.
Ushers should arrive at church at least forty-five minutes before ceremony to plan duties and seat early arrivals.
If you and your attendants are dressing at the church or synagogue, you should arrive now.
4. One half hour before:
Groom and best man arrive at church.
Background music starts.
First guests arrive and are seated.
If you have dressed at home, you and attendants
go to church and wait in private room or corner
of vestibule.
Best man, on arrival, checks last-minute arrangements with clergyman and gives him his fee.
5. Fifteen minutes before:
Family members and honored guests (godparents, for example) arrive and are seated "behind the ribbon" or in the pews near the front. The carpet is rolled down the aisle.
6. Five minutes before:
' The groom's mother and father arrive, and she is escorted in, followed by her husband (unless he is the best man). Finally, just before the music starts for the processional, the bride's mother is escorted to her seat in the front row, her husband takes his place beside the bride and the pew ribbons are put in place.
The attendants take their places in the proper order for the processional.
7. At precisely the time stated on the invitation, the music starts and the ushers lead the procession down the aisle.

Wedding Planning Guide: Planning the Reception (Part II)

Q. Our wedding and reception are going to be at home. How should we decorate?
A. There are many variables, such as the size and shape of the room(s) to be used and the style of the wedding. In general, decorations consist of a screen or backdrop of greens or a dark drapery behind the improvised altar and vases of flowers in the windows, on newel posts and on occasional tables. If there is a fireplace, it may be filled with greens and the mantel decorated with green roping or an arrangement of greens and flowers. If you are having an altar rail, decorating it with greens and placing, tall stands holding flower arrangements creates a lovely frame for the ceremony.
If you are serving refreshments in another room, table decorations may be either white or pastels that complement the bridesmaids' dresses and flowers.

Q. How do we plan flowers for the hall where the reception will be held?
A. When you meet with the caterer, decorating is one of the topics on your checklist. Often the caterer is able to include flowers in the overall arrangements you make with him or her. If you prefer to supply your own flowers from the florist or your garden, the caterer can recommend what is customarily used to decorate the hall.

Generally, flowers are white, white mixed with colors or pastel shades chosen to blend with the colors of the bridal party or the tablecloths.

A buffet table may have a bowl of flowers for a centerpiece if the cake is not being used. The bridal table usually has a low, centered floral arrangement so the bridal couple is not hidden from the guests, and often one or two more arrangements at each side if the table is long. Candles may be used, too, for an evening ' or after-dusk reception, but not for a morning or early afternoon reception. Guests' tables generally each have a small floral arrangement.

Other than the flowers on the tables, the only decoration is near or behind the receiving line—either a bank of greens, a fireplace with a bowl of flowers at each end or a stanchion topped with a vase of flowers at each end.

Q. How. can we .make our large church seem more intimate for our small wedding service?
A. One effective decorating technique is to rent pots of shrubbery to form a "hedge" in front of the pews that will not be occupied. If the altar, chancel and occupied pews are brightly lighted and the area behind the screen of greens is left almost dark, the part of the church you are using will seem more intimate. Although your guests would use the aisle, the wedding party would enter from the vestry or waiting room rather than proceeding down the long, dark aisle.
Or, if there are choir stalls, use them as pews and have only the chancel lighted. This gives the smallest wedding all the solemn beauty of church surroundings but in a warm environment.

Q. What can be done with flowers from the church and reception after the wedding?
A. There are several thoughtful ways to. share the flowers from your wedding. You may donate the ceremony flowers to the church, especially if your wedding is on a Saturday, for services the following day. If you plan to do this, be sure to consult with the clergyman or sexton so other flowers are not ordered for that day. You also may have the church and reception flowers delivered to. a hospital or nursing home to be given to people who need cheering up. It is also thoughtful to send some of the flowers to a close friend or relative too ill to attend the wedding.

Q. When should, we visit and select a photographer and what should we discuss?
A. You should reserve a photographer's time as. soon as possible after you have confirmed the date, time and place of your ceremony and reception. In order to select a photographer, ask to see his or her portfolio and discuss the kinds of pictures you wish to have— both candid and formal. Your formal portrait is taken as soon as your wedding dress is ready—at least three weeks before the ceremony. This is especially important if you wish to have a picture of yourself in your bridal gown appear in the newspaper.

The candid photographs often begin with the bride's leaving the house before the wedding and continue through the day. You should discuss the schedule of the day with the photographer, how soon after the ceremony he or she may begin taking pictures (it is distracting and in poor taste to take pictures during the actual ceremony) based on your discussion with the clergyman, and when the formal pictures of the bridal party will be taken.

You should, of course, discuss cost and obtain a written estimate or contract once you have selected a photographer. Most charge a flat fee for the day and present you with the proofs to select those photographs you want printed at an additional charge per print. Others include an album with a certain number of prints included in the fee. Include the questions in the following list in your discussion.

What does a wedding "package" consist of? What is the cost for additions? How many photographs will be taken? What is the number of pages in the photographer's standard wedding album? What does it cost per extra album page? What is the size and cost of extra albums? What is the cost of keeping proofs?

Some photographers expect beverages and a meal. Be sure to check this cost with your caterer before discussing it with the photographer.

Q. Should divorced parents appear together in a photograph with the bride and groom?
A. No. Each one should have a picture taken with the couple separately.

Q. Should stepparents be included in the photographs?
A. Yes, if they are on friendly terms with the bride and groom.

Q. Does my family give a wedding album to the groom's family or should they order pictures themselves? What about pictures for my attendants?
A. Your family may give the groom's parents an album if they wish to, but it is not expected. More generally, the groom's family are shown the proofs and select as many photographs as they would like. The bride's mother places their order, but the bill is sent to the groom's parents. Your attendants may also order and pay for pictures they would like to have. You may, of course, select and order a picture of your attendants and give it to them as a memento, but it is not expected that you do so.

Q. When and how should we select musicians for the reception?
A. As soon as you set your wedding date you should hire the musicians, since many are reserved months in advance. The size and formality of your wedding determines the type of music at the reception. It may be provided by anything from a record player to a ten-piece band. At some very formal weddings there are two orchestras so there is continuous music. At other receptions, a strolling accordionist, guitarist or pianist provides the background music. The choice is yours, keeping in mind the preferences of your guests and providing a balance of contemporary music and slower, softer nines.

These are considerations when you are selecting musicians. If you do not know of any, the caterer is often able to make recommendations. You also may check the Yellow Pages of the telephone directory and ask friends for referrals. Usually, a group in which you are interested will be able to give you a schedule of other appearances they are making so you can listen to them before making your choice.

As you make your selection, discuss the length of the reception, their price, the cost of overtime should you wish to extend the reception, specific songs you would like played and the number and length of the breaks they will take. Often an orchestra or group expects beverages and/or. a meal, and this is something you should discuss with your caterer as well.

Q. What music is appropriate for a religious ceremony?
A. There are many appropriate and lovely pieces from which to choose, including the traditional "Wedding March" by Wagner for a processional and Mendelssohn's "Wedding March" for a recessional. There are many other triumphal hymns and marches, and it is best to check with the organist to be sure they are approved by the church.

Background organ music played while your guests arrive at the church is customary. This is also a time when guest musicians—guitarists, flutists, etc.— play. Again, check your selections with the organist since most churches will not allow- popular music. A selected list of appropriate music—also excellent choices for a soloist—might include:

• "Jesu Joy of Man's Desiring" by Bach
• "Ave Maria" by Schubert
• Chorale Prelude, "In Thee Is Joy" by Bach
• "The Lord's Prayer" by Malotte
• "Liebestraum" by Liszt
• "Biblical Songs" by Dvorak
• "Joyful, Joyful, We Adore Thee" by Beethoven
• "The King of Love My Shepherd Is" by Hinsworth

Wedding Planning Guide: Planning the Reception (Part I)

Q. What questions should you ask when talking with a caterer about services for a wedding reception?
A.

• Does the caterer offer a wedding package? If so, what does it contain and what does it cost?
• Are substitutions permissible? What food and drinks will be served at the cocktail hour and later in the reception?
• Will brand-name liquors be served? If not, and you prefer that they are, what is the cost difference? May leftover liquor be returned and credited against the bill?
• If you want an open bar for the cocktail hour and/or the reception, what is the cost?
• What are the arrangements for champagne during the reception?
• What does a sample place setting consist of?
• Will you be able to observe a party arranged by the caterer before your reception?
• Will the caterer provide the wedding cake if you decide not to use a bakery? Will you be able to sample a wedding cake beforehand, if so?
• How many servers will there be?
• Are gratuities included in the total package?
• Will the caterer arrange for floral decorations if you are not ordering them from a florist? If so, does he have a book of floral arrangements from which to select?
• If you choose not to have floral decorations for the tables, are candelabra or other centerpieces available?
• Is insurance against china and crystal breakage included in the costs stated? If not, is it available and at what cost?
• Is there an option to extend the reception an extra hour? At what cost?
• At what time do servers go on overtime pay?
• Are there coat-check facilities and is there an extra charge, if so?
• How will tables and chairs be set up?
• Do you have a choice of table linens?
• Will the caterer provide printed directions to the catering hall for you to include with your invitations?
• What is the deadline for your guest count?

Be absolutely sure that every service to be provided and the total itemized costs are given to you in a contract and that you read it carefully for loopholes before you sign it.

Q. Although gratuities for the servers and bartenders are included in the caterer's fee, do I also tip the caterer?
A. It is not necessary to tip the caterer, as he or she is the owner of the business.

Q. My reception will be held at my parents' club. The manager has helped with all the arrangements. Do we tip him? If so, how much?
A. If the manager of your parents' club has assisted with the arrangements, then a tip is in order. The size of the tip would depend on the amount of extra effort, beyond his usual duties, which he made on your behalf. It might be anything from $25 to $100.

Q. What is a groom's cake?
A. One type of groom's cake is a fruit cake. Slices are cut and put into individual white boxes, tied with white satin ribbon and decorated with the combined initials of the bride and groom. These boxes are placed on a table near the door, and each departing guest is expected to take one as a memento of the wedding.

This tradition has become prohibitive in cost for many people and has consequently become less prevalent. It is, however, a lovely custom and providing the cake could be a thoughtful and unusual wedding gift (after consulting with the bride) from a family friend who is skilled at baking. When made as a gift, the individual pieces may be wrapped in white paper and tied with white or silver ribbon.

Another type of groom's cake is a chocolate cake that is placed on a separate table from the bride's cake. It is not cut by the couple or served as is the bride's cake, but is sliced by a waiter so that guests who prefer chocolate cake are free to help themselves. The groom's cake, like the bride's cake, is provided by the bride's family.

Q. When should we visit the florist and how do I know who pays for which flowers?
A. Flowers for the church, the reception and the bridal party are ordered as soon as the details of your wedding have been planned, including the date, type and the colors of the bridesmaids' dresses.

In some areas it is customary for the groom to buy the bride's bouquet. When this is done, the bride's going-away corsage may form the center of her bouquet and it is removed before she throws the bouquet to her friends.

The groom provides the boutonnieres for all his attendants, the two fathers and himself, although the bride's mother often gives her husband his boutonniere, even though it may be ordered with all the others.

The bride traditionally provides the flowers for the church and the reception. Ask the florist if there is a wedding package. Be sure to ask, too, if there are extra delivery charges, and if these charges increase for deliveries to more than one location—such as to your home, the church and the reception site.

Q. Are boutonnieres the same for all men in the bridal party?
A. No. The ushers almost always wear carnations. The best man and the fathers may wear white carnations, too, or they may be given a gardenia. The groom generally wears a different flower from those of the other men, such as a sprig or two of lily of the valley, a gardenia if the others are not wearing them or stephanotis.

Q. What flowers are appropriate for the bride and her attendants?
A. The flowers should be in keeping with the character and formality of the wedding and may be as simple as a single rose or as elaborate as a full cascade. Consult with your florist on such things as appropriateness, cost and seasonal considerations.

The bride's bouquet is almost always made up of white flowers, unless she is wearing a pastel dress or has been married before. In that case, the flowers would be of the same color or a shade which would complement her gown. White orchids, calla lilies, gardenias, stephanotis and lilies of the valley are among, the most popular choices with an elegant white gown.

Be sure the style of the arrangement complements the style of your dress, and that the textures of both are complementary, too., For example, camellias and gardenias, with their shiny, dark leaves, are beautiful against a satin or brocade dress, while eyelet and cotton are better complemented by daisies or sweet peas.

The bride who is marrying for a second time may carry a simple bouquet, wear a corsage or carry flowers pinned to her purse or prayer book. They may be white or a color complementary to her ensemble.

When the bridesmaids' dresses are all of the same color, so are their bouquets. The maid of honor's may be of a different color, but the style should be the same.

Flower girls sometimes carry a little basket filled with rose petals which they strew in the bride's path.

Others carry a tiny old-fashioned bouquet or a small basket of flowers. The bride's attendants sometimes wear flowers in their hair, too, but they should be able to last the duration of the ceremony and reception without wilting or turning brown at the edges. This is the one place where silk flowers may be used, but they must be in keeping with the flowers they carry.

Q. What decorations can be used for a church wedding?
A. Your decision really depends on several factors, such as the size and style of the church itself, the s formality of your wedding, the cost and the regulations practiced by the clergyman or church.

A large church with high ceilings needs many tall floral arrangements to have them show up at all. Even in a small church, remember that the flowers are seen from some distance and bolder flower varieties in simple, clear arrangements show up better than small blossoms.
Church flowers are generally white and, if possible, coordinated with the bride's flowers. This is not mandatory, however. They may also be of a color that blends with the dresses and flowers of the bridal attendants.

Many weddings have two arrangements of flowers on the altar and/or a spray on either side of the chancel steps. In addition, a cluster of flowers, a cascade of greens or a fall of flowers arid ribbons may be used to decorate the ends of every pew, the reserved pews or merely the last of the reserved pews from which the ribbon will start.

Finalizing Your Reception Plans: Putting It All in Writing

Finalizing Your Reception Plans
The months have flown. And now you can easily chant the very number of weeks, days, hours, and minutes 'til the time you say, "I do!"

Six to eight weeks prior to the big day, your calendar should spell out every duty left to do. Look now for days that seem overloaded with tasks and distribute them more evenly. Don't try to do the impossible.

During one of your final appointments with your reception coordinator, he or she will be giving you some room diagrams and seating charts to work with. Your coordinator will need these listings in order to double-check your place cards and guest count. And your on-site host or hostess will need a copy just in case you have any last-minute deletions or changes on your wedding day.

If you have a choice in the numbering of your guest tables, I would suggest placing all even numbers on one side of the room with odd numbers on the other. The lower the number, the closer that table is to the head table. And yes, you can skip number 13 if you so desire.
During this appointment with your coordinator, you should also verify:
* Are all outside service aspects provided by the facility confirmed, such as the limo, band,- photographer, bakery, and florist? If you have not spoken directly with the limo company, band leader (or DJ) or photographer yet (package plan only), make note of this to your coordinator. The limo company may not need to speak with you until a week or so before the wedding as they will just be reconfirming your address and time, but you will still want to be sure that everything is fine and going as scheduled!

Verify all service aspects that you will be providing. Make sure that your reception site has contacts and phone numbers. The reason is simple. If on your wedding day your cake is not showing up on time, your on-site coordinator can call the bakery direct and hope- ' fully avoid upsetting you at home. Without a phone number, your wedding day host or hostess may be forced to wait until your arrival to do something about it. And by then, it will most likely be too late.

Reconfirm linen colors. Thoroughly go over, all the scheduled events of your wedding reception/Has adequate time been allotted to every detail? If your coordinator is making up a printed schedule, ask for a copy when it is ready. (A sample schedule appears later, should you want to do your own.)

Know when you have to finalize your dinner and hors d'oeuvres menus. When is the exact or "guaranteed" guest count due for meals? Arrange your appointment for final payment. This is typically done three business days before the wedding. List everything that you will have to bring with you, such as place cards, table listings, guest book, keepsakes, etc. And make your coordinator aware of any item you do not wish to bring early, such as a valuable cake top. Inform him or her of when and how such items will arrive.

Reconfirm all prices. Have your coordinator run another tape list of costs based on the guest count you expect to have. In your count include all the guests that have informed you they are coming to your Wedding, as well as those that have not yet replied. Make sure that all your deposits have been accounted for. Your correct balance due will be calculated when your guest counts and menus have been finalized.
* If you are dealing with a hotel, reconfirm all your overnight reservations before leaving.

Coping with Room Diagrams and Seating Charts
Don't wait until the last minute to contact guests who haven't yet replied to your invitation. A few days past the response date is fine for making phone calls. After all, you don't want to have to rearrange your seating charts every time a late reply comes in. The earlier you get your table arrangements done, the earlier you can enjoy all the parties and attention a bride receives in those last few weeks before the wedding.

Dealing with seating arrangements can be a very stressful time in a bride's life. And this can be especially true when both sets of parents are contributing financially to your wedding. Why? Because no one wants their guests "seated out in left field." (Yes, that's what they'll call it.) So what can you do?
To begin with, your parents — along with the friends or family of their choice — should be seated at table number one. The groom's parents and selected company occupy table number two. The only exception to this is when the groom's parents have paid for the wedding. Then they are seated at table number one.

Traditionally, the closer the family member or friend, the closer they are seated to the head table. Dividing the room in half may help your particular dilemma. If your parents are at table one, number all the rest of the tables on that side of the room with odd numbers and assign those to your parents. Thus, the groom's parents at table two get all the even numbered tables on their side of the room. Each party is then welcome to seat their tables as they wish. (Just give them a deadline or you'll never have it done on time!) You and your groom should be allotted one third of the tables by taking the "middle" section from each side of the room. Just remember to seat older guests far from the band to avoid the loud music. And count any wheelchair arrival as taking up two "chair" spaces for extra comfort.

If you are personally writing out your own place cards, try not to do too many in one sitting or your exhaustion will show in your penmanship.

Make sure that your guests' names are easy to read. Watch out for name duplication, which typically occurs when a father and son with. the same name are invited. In such a case, add Sr., Jr., I, II, III, or whatever is appropriate. When you're not sure of the title, add the spouse or date with each, (such as: "Robert and Betty Harrison" on one and "Robert and Sue Harrison" on the other). When a guest has informed you of an escort's name, it is a nice gesture-to write out that person's name. Just remember that the initial invitee's name goes first on the card, regardless of alphabetical order.

Putting It All in Writing
As soon as you can finalize menus and schedules with your reception site, do so. Then you can put the events of your day down on paper and see for yourself if there is anything else left to be done. And by giving your banquet facility a copy of your list, you just might notify them of a minor detail or two they unintentionally overlooked.

The following sample schedule assumes you are providing every service aspect of the wedding reception except food and beverages. Alter it to meets your own needs. (For example, next to Band, type in the name of the band and indicate "provided through facility")

Detailing Your Wedding Day

Your Ceremony
Well in advance of your wedding day, you will want to perfect the details of your wedding vows. Understand from your officiant all the dos and don'ts. May poetry be read? (If so, make sure that your clergy has adequate time to approve your selections.) Would a vocalist be permitted to sing secular music? Get a listing of all the traditional, accepted, and sometimes demanded choices available for readings and music and make your selections early.

Select music that best suits the musician(s) you plan to have. And read your contract carefully. Due to the costly value of musical instruments, some performers reserve the right not to play in severe changes of humidity. If you are hiring a vocalist, he or she should be able to provide you with a list of material they perform best. If you have a different song or two in mind, check with your church for approval first, and then contact the vocalist.

Assign readings. And have "back-up" people ready just in case. The speakers will appreciate the ability to become familiar with their readings in advance.

Your Reception and All its Trimmings

Your Receiving Line
To save time, the best moment to receive your guests is directly after the ceremony. A hundred or so guests will easily flow by in 25 minutes. If you wait until the reception — particularly after everyone has had a drink or two — you can count on it taking roughly 45 minutes per every 125 guests! This can result in a lot of wasted "party" time!

You will have to ask your house of worship if you can conduct your receiving line right after the ceremony. You may be denied your request is if a service or another wedding immediately follows yours. The best location for your receiving line would be the front walkway. But if there is not adequate space — or the weather fails you — you can always set yourselves up in the entrance foyer. Ushers could be asked to direct the guests accordingly.

Who is in the receiving line? This is entirely up to you. My suggestion for a perfect gathering would be, in order: your father, your mother, the groom's mother, the groom's father, the best man, the bride and groom, and last but never least, the maid or matron of honor. If the groom's parents are primarily hosting the wedding, they would simply change places with your parents. And of course, if there is any difficulty of divorce with your parents, you will want to alter this accordingly. Definitely include grandparents if they are willing and able. It's a wonderful moment for them.

Including all of the bridesmaids and ushers can be time consuming. Instead, ask a bridesmaid and usher to stand a few feet away from the end of the receiving line and hand out maps to the reception site. (Use more of the bridal party if your guest count is over 200, or if the directions need some explaining.) Other members of the bridal party can be assigned important jobs. Remember the altar flowers (if they're yours to take). Someone can check the pews for forgotten purses, etc. And ushers can make sure that cars are starting and people are safely on their way.

Your Reception
Your banquet coordinator has probably informed you that approximately a month or so before the wedding you should get together and discuss the details of your reception. The timing is right for the most part, for it is only closer to your wedding day that you will know how many guests are coming. But in order to have your day go your way, you will have to do some planning and thinking in advance of this appointment. Don't let such important decisions wait until the last minute when you're so overwhelmed by everything you end up not caring what goes on.
The following is an outline of wedding day events. Now these are only descriptions and suggestions. By reading through this together with your fiance, you will be better able to finalize your special day when the time comes, fully confident and hassle free!

Your Arrival
The very first thing you will need to let your reception coordinator know is the exact length of your ceremony. Make sure to add time for the receiving line if it is to be held at the ceremony site.

Will the bridal party be pausing en route for pictures at an outdoor location? Let your coordinator know. You also should have contacted your photographer and limousine driver with all the pertinent information.

Next, you will need to let your coordinator know when you expect the bridal party to arrive at the reception. Your on-site host or hostess will want to be on hand to greet you! Will additional formal pictures be taken at the reception site? If so, you will want to settle the following questions:
1. Forty-five minutes to one hour is generally devoted to taking formal portraits. If you are stopping on the way from the church to the reception for pictures, estimate how much additional time, if any, you might wish to have at the reception site for more pictures.
2. If formal pictures are being taken at the reception site, ask if a waiter or waitress will be available to take drink orders in the picture room. Will you be paying for these drinks, or will individuals be responsible for their own charges?
3. If a full hour of pictures is scheduled at the reception site with a receiving line to follow, you may wish to provide your bridal party with a small hors d'oeuvres tray. Select neat, easy-to-eat finger food, such as cheese and crackers and raw vegetables.

If any of your family or friends not in the bridal party have offered to take pictures for you, tell them to come to the picture room with camera ready. A polite professional photographer will always step out of the way after every formal grouping and allow a few moments for others to take pictures.
Your Guests' Arrival You can't leave your guests stranded during formal pictures.

The bar at your reception site should be set to serve guests approximately 15 minutes after the close of your ceremony. The following also applies:
1. Decide how you wish your bar to be handled. Will it be open bar, cash bar, or a combination of both? (That is, for example, open bar for the first hour, then cash.)
2. Will you need hors d'oeuvres? This depends on the time of day, what kind of meal you're serving, and if more than the first hour and a half of the reception is devoted to formal portraits followed-by a receiving line. If a full dinner is being served, you will need to provide only about four pieces per person. Decide what offerings intrigue you, and place your order approximately two weeks before the wedding, when your guest count dictates your need.

A lovely hors d'oeuvres idea is a cheese, vegetable, and fruit table centrally placed on the dance floor. This arrangement requires no cumbersome chafing dishes or trays. The food is instead colorfully arrayed on different levels, which are created by placing support bases of various heights under the tablecloth. The effect is like a sumptuous still life oil painting! The table is then moved off the dance floor when it is time to announce the bridal party.

It's a very sad fact, but some dishonest hotels and banquet facilities make money by serving only half the food that has been ordered. And wedding reception hors d'oeuvres are an easy money maker. The reason is simple. Typically, the people who have placed the order —• you or your parents — are usually preoccupied in the picture room when hors d'oeuvres are being served and don't notice. But you should. Ask someone who is not in the bridal party to keep an eye on things for you. Make him or her aware of exactly what you have contracted to serve. Keep honest people honest, and have the satisfaction of knowing that what you ordered was actually brought out to your guests.

Guest Comforts
Do any of your guests need special attention? For example, if your function facility has a separate entrance for handicapped guests, be sure to indicate your need for this service. Any dietary problems? Does someone need to bring medication that must be refrigerated? Whatever the case, make sure the facility knows all about it.

Your Announcement Into the Room
After formal pictures, the bridal party is announced into the room. However, if you prefer to do without the fanfare, a quiet group arrival during the cocktail hour is quite acceptable. When the receiving line has been completed, the bridal party simply walks in procession to its place at the head table.

You may design the seating of the head table in any way that suits you. There are no rules to follow. It is merely suggested that the bride and groom occupy the center seats. You can have parents with you, or seat them at the tables of prominence (numbers one and two). You may also include clergy at the head table, or with your parents. You can have all women on one side with the men on the other, or seat them as couples. Whatever pleases you.

The announcement of the bridal party usually begins with both sets of parents. If this is uncomfortable.for anyone because of separation or divorce, alter it accordingly. There are a million suggestions for a million different situations, but I'd like to offer one thought. If your mother has no one to escort her into the room, an usher — particularly one who is a son, relative, or a good family friend — can enter the room with her, and then return to the line and enter once again with a bridesmaid. Just do what is best for everyone involved.

If you have very young children acting as flower girl and ring bearer in your bridal party, and wish to include them in the announcements, you will need to position their "call" in the easiest manner possible. It is recommended that a relative or parent of each child be standing in the function room as a "goal post" (if the dance floor is central to the room's entrance, have that person stand there) and instruct the children to walk towards them. Announcing small children right after the parents is typically best.

The bridesmaids and ushers are next. The easiest way to call them in is by their seating at the head table, working from the outside to the center. But this is also up to you.

Next follows the maid or matron of honor with the best man. And then — take a deep breath — this will probably be the first time you'll hear yourself called "Mr. and Mrs." over a microphone! Your band leader or DJ should have supplied you with a form to fill out for your wedding day information. If you are dealing with a package plan facility, your reception coordinator might do this for you at your appointment to finalize details. Whatever the case, be sure that difficult-to-pronounce names are written out phonetically for the ease of the emcee when announcing the bridal party. If you were unable or unwilling to conduct your receiving line at the church, now is the best time to have it.

Your on-site coordinator should be on hand to direct the incoming bridal party to where they should stand. Those members of the bridal party not in the receiving line should simply be instructed to walk behind the head table and pause there until the receiving line begins.

The band or DJ is then instructed to announce that the bridal party is ready to receive guests and call up by table number the tables closest to the host of the receiving line, and so on until all tables have gone through. The on-site coordinator will most likely step forward and assist the first table to the receiving line.

As I mentioned, a receiving line that occurs during a reception always takes longer than one held immediately after the ceremony. After a few drinks, guests always seem to want to tell you their firsthand impressions of your wedding. (It's like being at work the morning after a violent thunderstorm. Everyone has a "where they were" story!) If you find anyone lagging, politely interrupt them with a greeting to the person directly behind them and keep the line moving. Every minute of a receiving line during a reception represents one less minute of dancing!

During the receiving line, the best man usually collects all gift envelopes. Provide one of those satin drawstring bags, or some other means of holding these money envelopes. Your on-site coordinator should be on hand to take any large boxed gifts to the gift table, but if he or she is busy with other duties, ask a bridesmaid or usher not involved in the receiving line to do this for you. Any money envelopes found on the gift table should be brought directly to the best man. Don't remove the regular card envelopes from gift boxes, however. You will have difficulty later trying to figure out who sent what!

The Blessing and the Toast
After the receiving line, the bridal party is escorted to the head table. The best man (or whoever was asked to collect them) brings the gift envelopes with him to the head table for safekeeping. Everyone is asked to stand. Your clergy is then asked to give the blessing. Be sure to have a back-up person if your clergy cannot attend. If there is no one in your family or close friends who wishes to speak publicly, your band or DJ can give a general blessing.

Everyone is then asked to remain standing except the bride and groom. The best man then gives his toast, and the meal begins. Before going to your appointment with your coordinator, have a good idea what you would like to have for your toast and your meal. the groom and best man to the sate-deposit box where your girt envelopes will be locked away. Both the best man and groom should sign the authorization lines. The best man generally holds the key, in case more gift envelopes are presented. Each time he makes a deposit to the safe, he will be asked to sign in and out. At the end of the night, the key is given to the groom. Your coordinator will probably warn you that there is only one key. If it is lost, you will have to pay a locksmith's fee to get the box open. So be careful!

Your First Dance
After the first course of your wedding dinner, I suggest that you and the groom come to the floor for your first dance. Try not to wait until the meal is over, because traditionally no one is supposed to get up and dance before the bride and groom do. With this in mind, if you really prefer to wait, or to cancel the ritual altogether, have your band or DJ announce that both of you (by name) invite everyone to the dance floor at any time. Keep in mind that if you and the groom are nervous about dancing alone, the band or DJ can be instructed to call up the rest of the bridal party to join you as early on as you wish! In between courses is the best time to conduct the special events of your reception. During these times, you will have everyone's attention. And it gives people something to do during the clearing and serving of plates.

Parents' Dances
If you are dancing with your father and/or the groom is dancing with his mother, this can be done in between courses. For example, you have your first dance after the soup course, and parents' dances after the salad course. If the traditional numbers don't appeal to you ("Daddy's Little Girl" for you and your father and "Sunrise Sunset" for the groom and his mother) select songs that hold special meaning for you.

The dollar dance
This is an opportunity for your male guests to share the dance floor with the bride for cash (something like a kissing booth at a fair). Each gentleman hands you a bill which you hold between your fingers. It's not so common a custom these days, but really is harmless fun, all the same.

Special Guest Dances
Make note to inform your coordinator of any special anniversary dances or birthdays that you would like the band or DJ to celebrate. If you are dealing with package plan entertainment, your coordinator will need to list this on his or her activities sheet, if you haven't already contacted the band or DJ on your own and confirmed these special request songs!

"The Bride Cuts the Cake"
If the wedding cake is to be served with dessert, you will need to have your cake-cutting ceremony just after the main course. Don't worry if you despise the silly song and all the fanfare. If you like, the band or DJ can announce that anyone who wishes to take pic-tures of the bride and groom cutting the cake can proceed to the cake table. Then your on-site coordinator and professional photographer will quietly guide you through the steps. No song. No smooshing cake in each other's faces. (Or be a sly one and smoosh anyway!)

Awarding Table Centerpieces
Unless you have someone special in mind to whom you'd like to give the centerpiece at each table, your band or DJ can create a "game" competition for the centerpieces. The most common asks one person at each table to take out a dollar bill. That dollar bill is then passed around the table until the music stops. Then, the band announces that the person holding the dollar keeps it, and the original donor ot tne Dili gets me centerpiece. But if many of your guests have been to weddings, they'll know this one.

Be creative. You can even somewhat "prearrange" your winners if you wish. Let's say you'd really love your grandmother to have a centerpiece. Have the band announce that the oldest person at her table number wins the centerpiece (if that is the case). Go by the birthday closest to your wedding day. Have a "sing the next line of the song" contest. This is accomplished by the lead singer going from table to table with a wireless microphone. He or she sings a song up to a certain point and then surprises one of the guests at each table with the chance to go on with the song. Be crafty. For example, do you and "the girls"' from work have a bowling night? Award that centerpiece to "the worst bowler at table number ten." In other words, make it fun and involve your guests!

The Bouquet and Garter Toss
If you and your groom intend to leave the reception before the majority of guests, you will need to coordinate the last hour of your reception to include the bouquet and garter toss, enough time for you and your groom to change into your "going away" clothes, sit for some formal portraits, and return to the ballroom for your final dance.

But if you are not leaving the reception before the guests, the bouquet and garter toss can be done at any time. Often it is best to just mingle, circulate, and dance after dinner. The bouquet and garter toss is always more fun towards the end of the evening, anyway. Just don't wait too long. You will want to have this fun while the band or DJ and photographer are still there, not to mention a good number of guests!)

Keeping the Hall Late
A five-hour wedding reception can fly by like five minutes. With all the planning and hopes you've had for this day, why not keep the party going?
The band or other musicians can be booked for additional hours or a DJ can be brought in for a change of pace. Another possible suggestion would be to book a DJ or singer with karaoke hook-up. Karaoke can be great fun when everyone has had a drink or two and is willing to "give it a try." You will, however, want dance music, too. Of course any arrangement for entertainment should have been made well in advance of that day!

Get all the formal pictures you need before the photographer leaves Most brides don't feel like surrendering their wedding gowns just yet so the final shot in your going-away clothes may not seem all that important to you.
Holding the hall for extra hours gives you another option I have not as yet pointed out. If between you and the groom, you have a lot of casual friends you just couldn't afford to invite for the full meal, etc., you can now invite them for a special evening celebration of your marriage.

You may want to consider holding an open bar for any or all of these additional hours. But don't, if you are concerned about the people who have been drinking for the last 5 hours who might be staying. One possibility is to give your newly arriving guests "drink tickets." But for those new guests, as well as those who will be staying and may need some help sobering up, some delectables would be a good idea.

Suggestions for Late-Night Food and Beverage Service
A deli buffet is a great idea. People can make a sandwich, a salad, or a meat platter — Whatever they wish. Sweet tables with coffee service are also nice. Depending on your taste and budget, arrange an offering that best suit your needs.

Your Last Dance
This is when your guests form a circle around the bride and groom, and smile and cry as you join together for the last dance of the evening. A good guide to selecting what should be your first dance and what should be your last is to consider how they will be performed. If a band opens your reception, pick the song they can easily do. (In other words, it takes a terribly talented vocalist to match the depth and dynamics of a Whitney Houston or a Mariah Carey!) And if a DJ closes for you, he or she has the true artist's rendition of your special song, complete with full orchestration. But of course, there's no reason not to repeat the same song for your first and last dance, especially when it's one that means so very much to you.
Aside from the events outlined here, you may also have some wonderful ideas based on the traditions of your family's heritage. By all means, incorporate these family traditions, but be sure to let the proper service professionals at your wedding know well in advance what they will need to do.

Yes, this is the time to plan, to design, and to dream. The days ahead will be happier ones if you meet them fully organized!