Mr. and Mrs. Greatly Relieved announce that the marriage of their daughter Darling Airhead to Mr. Fortune Hunter will not take place
If wedding announcements have been engraved or printed, thrifty Miss Ultimate Wedding suggests you make use of them by correcting them with a pen so that they read:
Mr. and Mrs. Greatly Relieved have the honour of announcing that the marriage of their daughter Darling Airhead to
Mr. Fortune Hunter will not take place
The Response to a Canceled Wedding
Q. Gould you please advise this gentle reader on the appropriate response one should make to receiving an announcement of a wedding being canceled? The wedding had been planned for years, was to be very large and formal, and was canceled one week before the date. There was a formally printed announcement mailed out.
It seems that some response on the part of the recipient is warranted; however, this seems like a land mine for etiquette errors. If one calls the bride, it may put her in an awkward position of feeling that she has to offer some sort of explanation. To not respond in some way seems cold and uncaring.
A. It is indeed an etiquette land mine that you describe and Miss Ultimate Wedding is always grateful to those who chart new territory for her. The least she can do is to help you find your way back.
At least one of the parties involved—erstwhile bride, bridegroom, or a parent—is a friend of yours. Rather than placing a call, which you astutely realize might be awkward, dash off a note to your friend saying "I wish you (or Natasha or Calvin) all the best, and would love to see you." A reintroduction to normal social life, with no explanations required, would doubtless be welcome.
The Broken Engagement
Q. I'm in love with the man I was once engaged to. Our plans were put on hold because he had a problem that arose from the past with his ex-girlfriend and resulted in marriage. We are still seeing each other and very much in love. He wants out, but due to his financial situation, he's not stable enough to move out at this time. But he is in the process of taking care of this financial problem.
To me, it's taking a long time. It's been eight months and there are no children involved. Just recently, we decided not to see each other until he's out of this situation because several of our plans were canceled due to this. We call from time to time, keeping communication. I'm only going to give him one and a half months to take care of this, but I did not tell him that.
A. A man who persuaded his fiancee that he loves her but has had to solve a little problem by temporarily marrying someone else may well have broken some etiquette rules. It's just difficult for Miss Ultimate Wedding to find the shards in all that moral debris.
If the question now is whether you are breaking any by rescuing yourself, the answer is no. One can hardly dissolve an engagement more thoroughly than he did, so you have been relieved of any obligations.
Returning the Ring
Q. My son received money from my husband and me for graduation from college and used it for an engagement ring for his fiancee. Several months later, she did some things to hurt him, so he called off the engagement, four months before the wedding date. Being a spoiled rich girl, the fiancee had put her wedding invitations on "rush order" in hopes he would change his mind when the invitations were received.
To make a long story short, they have not reconciled and he says they never will get married. He has asked her for the ring back, but she said her mother told her to keep it, as it is the least my son could do after all the expense to her family in preparation for the wedding.
A. Miss Ultimate Wedding is afraid that it never occurred to etiquette to pass a rule against rushing the wedding invitations in a desperate attempt to hoodwink a reluctant bridegroom. But it strikes her as rather a nasty idea to invite innocent people to a doomed wedding, so she is willing to issue the rule now.
There certainly is a rule that a lady whose engagement is broken returns the ring. This was found necessary precisely to counter that unpleasant urge to grab whatever assets are at hand, so to speak, and to encourage jilted ladies to maintain the more acceptable posture of scorning a token from someone who has proven unworthy. Unfortunately, etiquette does not have a police force to send in to enforce this. Should the gentleman wish to pursue the matter, you must consult the less subtle form of encouraging polite behavior known as the law.
Keeping the Wedding Presents
Q. I have always understood that when a wedding does not take place as planned, wedding and shower gifts are returned. But what if the wedding is called off and yet the couple sets up housekeeping together anyway?
In the case I know, the presents were kept and seem to be regarded by the couple as housewarming gifts for the new house that they have bought. I have received a thank-you letter telling me how nice my gift looks in their home and assuring me that they appreciate my kindness as they "embark on their new life together."
Frankly, my idea of a housewarming gift is a bottle of wine, not the silver and china that we were asked to select from the bride-to-be's register at a local store. I know I sound like a prude or a tightwad, but this seems wrong to me.
A. Miss Ultimate Wedding isn't crazy about it, either. Wedding presents should be returned if a wedding is called off. She presumes that the couple's not-very-nice rationale is that the engagement was not exactly broken. Rather, the clock has been turned back to a preengage-ment state of courtship which may or may not progress to a wedding. If it does, send them a lot of good wishes unaccompanied by a package.
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