In proper American etiquette, a bridal shower is a lighthearted event among intimate friends, not something required to call attention to a wedding in the way that a rain shower calls attention to the need to fetch an umbrella. Bridal showers are supposed to be thought up and given by the hostesses, never by the guest of honor or her relatives. The bride should act pleased and surprised if one is spontaneously suggested to her by her friends. No one should be invited to more than one such event for the occasion. Presents should be mere tokens.
However, we live in an age of entitlement. In her darker moments, Miss Ultimate Wedding wonders if the shower hasn't become more important than the wedding itself. The shower has been perceived as one more opportunity to turn a milestone to material advantage and all these rules are being violated right and left. This should neither exonerate those who practice intimidation, nor discourage guests from abiding by the rules of etiquette always available to them: They may decline the invitation, sending nothing more than their good wishes. Some couples used to think that in itself was quite valuable.
The Enemies List
Q. Scenario One: Several family members are not speaking. One is getting married and indicates she will probably send an invitation to everyone in the family, regardless of their differences. Should the individuals giving a surprise bridal shower invite these estranged family members to the shower, prior to the bride reconciling with her family?
Scenario Two: The bride indicates she is not inviting the members of the family from whom she is estranged. Should they be invited to a shower given for the bride?
A. At first glance, these seemed like two terrible ideas. Showers are occasions on which people overflowing with love gather around their dear friend and these guests are unlikely candidates.
This certainly rules out Scenario Two. To expect people to fuss over a bride who does not speak to them is not a socially sound idea.
Scenario One might have its advantages, however. Gathering former enemies at a wedding is not without danger and to hold a less formal event as a trial run is not a bad idea.
Shower By Mail
Q. I have been asked to be maid of honor for a good friend who lives quite a distance away. Her fiance lives in another part of the country and nearly all the invited guests reside all over the country and in Europe. How am I to throw a shower for the bride? Is it proper to have a "shower by mail" where people send gifts on a certain day?
A. A shower is a party, Miss Ultimate Wedding feels it necessary to remind you. What you are describing is a mail solicitation, which is not regulated by etiquette but by the Post Office.
The Shower
A "Stag and Doe"
Q. One of my coworkers approached me with the information that she and her fiance were having a "Stag and Doe" prior to their marriage and inquired as to whether I would like to purchase a ticket for a certain sum to attend.
Shouldn't someone other than the bride-to-be be handling the sale of these tickets? I've always freely contributed to gifts purchased as a group by coworkers in our large office, but I admit that I was startled and embarrassed by this direct request.
A. What do you think might be more genteel? Involving Ticketron?
The fact is that the concept of a wedding as a frankly acknowledged fund-raising event is so vulgar as to make the details seem hardly worth refining. We have rapidly gone from a bridal couple's appreciating the generosity of their friends and relatives to their expecting it, to their directing it, to their demanding it—and not only of their personal ties, but of their professional ones, as well.
What puzzles Miss Ultimate Wedding is why anyone gives in to this unattractive pressure. An event that requires tickets is paid amusement, not social life. Whatever this person is charging, Miss Ultimate Wedding guesses that you could buy more amusement at the movies.
Although come to think of it, she might blow a small admission price to find the answer to the Stag and Doe Riddle: If a stag event is one for males only, as opposed to the normal social event that includes both males and females; and a doe event is one for females only, as opposed to the normal social event that includes both males and females—what in heaven's name is a stag and doe event? Open hunting season on predatory creatures?
Combining Baby and Bridal Showers
Q. Please help fast! Time is running out. A friend is having a baby soon, and she and the baby's father have agreed to wait until a month after the baby is born to get married. Can we combine a baby and bridal shower, or is it unethical to ask people to bring two gifts? We really don't have the time for two separate showers.
A. How fast? Miss Ultimate Wedding is out of breath. It's not just from rushing (if her usual stately pace can be speeded up at all). The breath was knocked out of her by that incidental remark about the couple's wanting to wait until after the birth to be married. Has the purpose of marriage so changed that it is more important how the bride looks at the wedding than that the baby be born within the marriage? Hand Miss Ultimate Wedding her smelling salts and don't bother reminding her that this aspect is none of her business.
Yes, holding two showers for the same person would f strain the patience even of friends. But so would expecting them to bring separate presents to one shower. As your friend has combined being a bride and being a mother, k there is no reason that your shower honoring her should r not do so as well, allowing people to choose items appropriate to either aspect of her new life.
Games and Prizes
Q. A friend of mine is giving a bridal shower at which games are to be played. There will be prizes for the winners. But it seems that where my friend came from, it is the practice not for the winners to keep their prizes, but to be asked to give them all to the bride-to-be. Since every guest brings a gift for the bride, it seems that guests ought to be able to take home whatever little game gifts they have won. Maybe I'm wrong but it seems a waste of time to even play.
A. Where your friend comes from, it is no doubt the custom for birthday children to grab prizes back from their little guests. Miss Ultimate Wedding would not have thought that these people would grow up to have bridal showers. It is strange enough to imagine how they might find guests still willing to be treated so selfishly, let alone people to marry. Whatever the origin of this custom, it must be stopped immediately. Miss Ultimate Wedding can hardly think of a worse preparation for marriage than to allow the bride to believe that she should always win, regardless of whether or not this is fair.
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