Parking Enclosure
Q. We wish to pay for the guests' valet parking at the elegant downtown hotel where our daughter's wedding and reception will be held. How do we indicate to our guests that they are to inform the parking attendants that they are attending the wedding? We cannot get parking tickets in advance. May we design some sort of enclosure card to be presented to the parking attendants? What wording would you suggest?
A. On the waste-not-want-not principle, Miss Ultimate Wedding has delved into her box of leftover traditional forms and come up with the enclosure card designed to tell the guests that a special train had been hired to take them to the wedding. There was a lot of dust on it. Here is the new version:
Special parking facilities will be available. Please show this card at the entrance.
Bridal Registry Card
Q. My sister is to be married, and the department store she registered with gave her 600 registry cards to put in all 600 formal wedding invitations. When I was married, it was my understanding that the proper etiquette was to place bridal registry cards in bridal shower invitations only.
Has etiquette changed, as my sister states? She is having four bridal showers and is inviting fifty women to each— 200 people. Should she include the cards both in their shower and wedding invitations?
A. Where is your family getting its information? Etiquette hadn't even changed to what you thought it was when you got married, let alone to what your sister seems to think. It has always been rude to notify guests what you want to receive as a present or where you want them to buy it, and it always will be. The only use of bridal registry cards that Miss Ultimate Wedding authorizes is as scratch paper for the bride.
Tissue Paper
Q. When sending wedding invitations, what is the explanation of the white silk paper inside the card? When we received the invitation cards that we ordered, there was no silk paper.
A. Silk paper? Did the bride get her veil caught in the invitations? Oh, you mean the tissue paper. That is there so that the engraving doesn't get smudged when it is fresh. By the time you get all those addresses written, you don't need to worry about that. Nevertheless, some people keep the tissue in when they send out the invitation just to prove that it is really engraved. Miss Ultimate Wedding considers that to be like keeping the store cellophane on the lampshade to show that it's of good material.
Double Envelopes
Q. Why do wedding invitations come inside two envelopes? Wouldn't one be sufficient?
A. Well, a postcard would be sufficient to convey the information, if it comes down to that. The tradition of using two envelopes simulates the old hand-delivered message, combining it with the utilitarian necessity of its being sent by mail.
Miss Ultimate Wedding is making that up. Rational explanations of old customs are always supplied after the fact, not so much to explain what has been lost in time as to disguise the fact that customs are rarely logical. But arguments of paper waste have penetrated this custom before. During World War II, an unfolded wedding invitation, measuring 4 by 6 inches, was used in a single envelope, and Miss Ultimate Wedding invites you to take advantage of this less venerable tradition.
Addressing
Q. I am a calligrapher and have been asked to address wedding invitations, both outside and inside envelopes. What is the proper way to word the various situations that arise? There are so many different ways of living together, and each person having different titles.
A. There sure are different ways of living together these days, and Miss Ultimate Wedding doesn't want to hear about some of them. All that concerns her, and you, is that people who live in the same household may get joint invitations, but may need to have separate lines for their names. If, for any reason, simple joint honorifics ("Mr. and Mrs.," "The Misses Doe," "The Doctors Roe") cannot be used, then put each full name with its proper honorific on a separate line on the outside envelope, and each honorific and surname on a separate line on the inside envelope.
When to Mail
Q. Weddings are very special, and dates and places seem to be firm months before the event. Is it permissible to send out invitations six weeks before the wedding? This would permit family and friends to respond, make travel plans and somewhat compensate for poor mail service.
A. Indeed, Miss Ultimate Wedding has decreed that four to six weeks prior to the wedding is proper in this age of scattered families and discounted air fares. The traditionally shorter period assumed that the bride and bridegroom met across the fence between their houses, and the neighbors had been watching the whole courtship from the porch.
At-Home Cards
Q. I am a born feminist soon to marry into a family with very traditional attitudes. This family has a large like-minded social group. Recently, my fiance and I were introduced at a retirement party as "This is John Doe and the future Jane Doe." In a flash of annoyance at the presumption that I would carry on a tradition deeply rooted in sexism, I responded tersely, "No, the forever-to-remain Jane Smith!" This exchange upset my future mother-in-law, who directed the question "Why are you getting married if she's not going to take your name?" to my fiance, out of my hearing.
I do not wish to offend my future family and their friends when the issue arises, but it is difficult for me to keep my zeal on the subject in check. I realize there are forums more appropriate to such discussion than a formal banquet. How might I gracefully correct others who might make the error in the future? I would also like them to know that I am open for a discussion of the subject at another time.
Q. It is not that Miss Ultimate Wedding does not sympathize with your desire to be addressed, in your future married life, as you wish to be. It's just that she has so much more sympathy for the poor lady who is about to acquire a zealous daughter-in law in search of forums to debate a personal decision.
A graceful way to let people know what your name will be after marriage is to enclose at-home cards with your wedding announcements with your and your husband's names on a line each, instead of as Mr. and Mrs., and to have paper made with your name, on which to write letters of thanks for wedding presents and all the rest of your correspondence.
An ungraceful way is tersely to correct people who make a simple mistake, based on years of tradition, and to tax them with sexism for following social custom. Miss Ultimate Wedding fails to see why you need open the matter for discussion. Are you not prepared to be as tolerant of other ladies' choices as of your own?
The Poisoned Announcement
Q. A few years ago, I had a rather nasty breakup with a young man to whom I had briefly been engaged. I am now engaged again, to a wonderful man. Could I send an announcement of my marriage this winter to the previous man? Would that be perceived as petty and unforgivable, or is it within etiquette's definition of revenge? I would not want to step outside the bounds of propriety.
A. What you are proposing to do is within etiquette's definition of propriety, never mind revenge. Wedding announcements are intended to be sent to anyone you think might be interested to hear of the marriage.
That settled, Miss Ultimate Wedding would like to discuss your motive—not so much in terms of whether it is pleasant, but of whether it has a chance of producing the effect you wish. She asks you to consider that the gentleman on whom you wish to wreak revenge would be perfectly within the bounds of propriety to send you a letter in which he expressed nothing but delight at your marriage—and that he might even mean it. She therefore believes that you would be better advised to concentrate your emotional attentions on the wonderful gentleman to whom you are now engaged.
A Year Late
Q. My daughter just informed me that she was married a year ago. Do I send announcements now? Do I give her a reception now? Please advise me as soon as possible.
A. Miss Ultimate Wedding sees that you expect higher standards of promptness from her than you do from your daughter. A year is late to send formal wedding announcements, which are correctly mailed on the day of the wedding. Nor should you exactly give them a wedding reception. But by all means inform everyone who might be interested, through letters and telephone calls. It would also be nice to give a reception in honor of the couple, informing guests in a toast (rather than ahead of time on the invitations) of the occasion.
The Response
Q. My husband and I were married in a foreign country. "When we returned home, we sent out announcements but did not have a reception. The responses we got from the announcements were varied. Could you please tell me what an appropriate response would have been (i.e., gift, cash, card, or a combination). We were not registered.
A. You got varied responses because you sent your announcements to a variety of people. That is as it should be and Miss Ultimate Wedding is not going to deal with any subtexts about feeling cheated out of loot. A wedding announcement requires only a letter of congratulation. However, people who are particularly close to and fond of the couple often take that opportunity to send a symbolic representation of their affection.
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