Ultimate Wedding: The Wedding as Fund-raiser

TERRIBLE IDEA II

The Wedding as Fund-raiser

r hen people used to speak of "marrying for money," it meant that one half of a bridal couple was plundering the other. Nobody, with the possible exception of the impoverished side of the aisle, considered that quite nice. But at least it kept whatever monetary exploitation was being practiced within the family—allowing for the fact that the family was actually being formed for that purpose.

Miss Ultimate Wedding has been told that brides and bridegrooms are not as inexperienced and innocent on their wedding days as they used to be. They have lawyers. But however much the possibility of greed between lovers may have been curbed by caution, the association of that nasty appetite in connection with matrimony does not seem to have been suppressed. Only now it is the guests to whom bridal couples turn when they think of making a profit out of matrimony. Marrying for money has come to mean making a profit from the wedding guests, through direct cash contributions and wedding presents, after deducting the expenses of allowing them to attend.

Ever the romantic, Miss Ultimate Wedding has never actually believed that expectation of toasters is what motivates peopie to get married. She is quite severe with those who assume that other people only get themselves born, graduated, married, and pregnant for the purpose of extracting presents from them. But her Ghastly Wedding File is unfortunately bulging with anecdotes suggesting that guests are no longer considered people with whom brides and bridegrooms wish to share their happiness without regard to the possibility that they may be moved to give some token of their pleasure at the event:
"The groom sent out an invitation by office computer, with a choice of entrees ($22 for steak, and $19 each for filet of sole or chicken Marsala), and the notations, 'No host cocktails,' 'Please R.s.v.p. with payment to —' and 'There will be a money or gift basket available.' "
"We received a wedding invitation from a young couple being married in a black-tie affair at an exclusive club— '$150 per couple.' I have seen this for political fund-raisers, but never for a private celebration."
"I was invited to a wedding dinner in a restaurant, where the check was handed to the groom and without announcing the amount, he instructed everyone to pass down $75 a person. I did not drink any of the expensive wine, or coffee, and I split a dessert. The following day, I learned that my portion of the bill was less than $30 including tip."
"I have been informed that an invited guest gives a money gift based on the cost of the wedding reception. In other words, if it is a nice, sit-down dinner with an orchestra, the guest is expected to give at least $100. Is a wedding reception now a charity event or an evening out which guests pay for, like the parties I attended at college, where you gave $5 at the door to help the frat boys cut the cost of beer and snacks?"
"I would like your opinion of the growing number of 'Jack and Jill' parties, often organized by the engaged couple themselves, selling tickets for a dinner dance, and keeping the profits after expenses. Are these proper?"
"The father of the bride, my relative, has informed me that my wedding gift (a handmade, Native American work of art of museum quality) was not appropriate. While refusing to assign a value to the item, he said it was not right, meaning not adequate, in view of the fact that four members of my family will be in attendance."
"Just when I thought I'd seen it all, my daughter received a wedding invitation—not even from a close friend—with a card asking, 'If you would like to assist us in saving for the purchase of our first home together' and giving the name of their mortgage company. Thinking and hoping it was a joke, I called the 800 number. Sad to say, it's not."
"Under the R.s.v.p., there was listed a money amount per person, with the notation, 'Includes dinner, dancing, and gift.' Is it considered appropriate for the invited guests to pay for the festivities and to chip in for a gift to be determined by someone else?"
"A member of the bride's family passed a hat decorated with flowers and ribbons indicating it was for donations for the honeymoon. This is the second time this has happened to me. Is this the latest trend?"

In what one must presume to be an advance of delicacy, one couple offered a chart with a heart to be placed by the guest donor, indicating whether that person's contribution should be spent on such choices as "a night on the town," "a moonlight cruise," or "shopping for souvenirs." Another bride, eschewing the crudity of collecting cash, listed her demands with the catalog numbers from which they could be ordered.

It was Miss Ultimate Wedding's last illusion that people who engaged in such practices were aware that they had sacrificed any vestige of politeness, and were just too greedy to care. Then she got the following letter, not even from the person who stood to profit:
"Recently, I had a bridal shower for one of my girlfriends. I decided to have people send in $15 each for a group gift. This request was actually printed on the invitation. Now I know what is right, but I found that many people do not. Those who regretted did not send in their $15.1 come from a middle-to upper-class society, and I was just shocked at this. I know what is socially correct, so this is not a question, rather a reminder to those in my circles who need a refresher course on their manners."
Miss Ultimate Wedding is relieved at the notation that this was not a question. It saves her picking herself up from the floor, where she fell into a dead heap at the death of decency and hospitality—never mind romance.

Financial Frankness
Q. A couple in their midthirties, who will be married next month, have registered at a large department store for various household goods and china. However, they have made it quite clear that they do not intend to keep the china, but return it for cash to be used to purchase a stereo system. I am appalled. I am in my mid-thirties, too—am I THAT old? Another bride, who has lived on her own for a few years, said that she wanted to have lots of showers so that she can get a lot of gifts. I just do not understand the greed. Money is not a problem for either couple, which is demonstrated by both brides purchasing expensive dresses and planning large receptions. Can you give me an explanation of what is going on?

A. Greed? You want Miss Ultimate Wedding to explain greed to you? And then what? Lust and sloth? Instead, she will modestly limit herself to explaining why greed, always part of the human condition, is now so frankly expressed, rather than decently concealed.
The appalling idea that openness is a virtue, regardless of the sin being flaunted, has been around for a generation or so now. That is why one hears ugly confessions accompanied by the self-righteous declaration, "But I'm not going to be a hypocrite," and why those who are timid about condemning dreadful behavior affect to be upset only by the transgressor's having subsequently lied about it.
In that spirit of total revelation, bridal couples are cheerfully admitting to their wedding guests that they are deeply focused on the presents they will receive and that, far from leaving the choice to the generosity and taste of their friends, they see the wedding as an opportunity to make others do their shopping for them.
Within this context, the couple willing to launder the money through some hapless store's china department may think themselves marvels of subtlety. Since they went and blabbed their scheme, Miss Ultimate Wedding can hardly agree with them. All this frankness is highly unflattering to the guests, of course. They might have harbored the notion that the couple, being primarily interested in their friendship, was pleasantly surprised that friends, using their own taste and their sense of what the couple might appreciate, are also sending presents. This may never have been strictly true, but it was a pleasant illusion for the guests to have. Miss Ultimate Wedding cannot fathom why those who are disabused of this are still motivated to demonstrate affection.

Sponsorship
Q. Will you please tell us where the custom originated of sponsors for weddings and debuts? Our neighbor is going around asking the neighbors for money for an expensive wedding. We think it is awful for people to impose on other people for money for their sons' or daughters' weddings. If you can't afford an expensive wedding, settle for what you can afford. We paid for our daughter's wedding, down to the last flower or mixed drink. We all try to do the best for our kids, but why should we pay for others?

A. The origin of this practice—Miss Ultimate Wedding refuses to dignify it by calling it a custom—is the strange idea that marriage is a justification for committing extortion. Miss Ultimate Wedding trusts that you will refuse to submit to this, without yourself being rude. You need merely decline the offer to be a "sponsor," and add that you send the couple your best wishes.

Collecting Cash
Q. My daughter is getting married soon—a formal wedding—and she has just decided to carry a "Money Bag" during the reception!! She hopes to make enough money for a down payment on a house!!!
I'm appalled! Is this telling her friends, our friends, his friends that their gift is not enough, or is this something common in the '90s?? In my opinion, greed has overcome the young people and they don't celebrate the solemn occasion—they want to see how much money they can "make"!! If it is proper, maybe her father and I should carry one—a big one!!

A. Do you think you have put in enough exclamation points to express proper horror? Miss Ultimate Wedding finds an excess of them still perilously lodged in her own throat. She had better dispose of them discreetly, because you have actually given her two questions to answer:
1. Is it common in the '90s for bridal couples to go crazed with greed? Yes, although Miss Ultimate Wedding congratulates this couple on taking the impulse to new depths.
2. Is it proper? Don't make Miss Ultimate Wedding laugh while she has something in her throat.
You might inquire of your daughter whether she is under the impression that your friends and hers will be so emotionally overcome by the event of her marriage that they will be moved to help her buy a house. And furthermore, whether they will be too shy to accomplish such a wish unless she does them the favor of offering them an opportunity.
Otherwise, her scheme consists of simple social black-p mail. She is counting on the guests forking over under the
threat of embarrassment. This is not exactly what we call hospitality.
Miss Ultimate Wedding is unfortunately not confident that if the real nature of what your daughter and her fiance are doing is drawn to their attention, they will back down. Why should people hesitate to induce a profitable false embarrassment in their friends when they have shown themselves willing to give their own parents cause for the intense, genuine embarrassment of blackmailing their friends? Miss Ultimate Wedding urges you to refuse to be a party to this. People who treat their wedding guests this way do not deserve to have any.

A Reply
Q. Miss Ultimate Wedding (I am loath to call you that) needs to do more research into other cultures and customs before condemning the young lady who wanted to carry a money satchel at her wedding. Both you and her mother were horrified, but just because you have your nose in the air, the young lady hardly invented it.
In the middle European communities (this includes many Polish, Russian, Italian, French and, I just learned, Vietnamese peoples) gifts are reserved for the wedding showers. When you attend a formal wedding with a sit-down dinner, at a banquet hall, the proper "gift" is an envelope with cash or check, which is left with the bride, who places it in the money bag.

If Miss Ultimate Wedding thinks her uppity manners prevail everywhere, she has another think coming. Those of us who are happy to celebrate our own customs await your apology, and a hope that the overbearing mother of this with-it new bride sees this before she ruins her daughter's wedding day.
Today, a banquet hall reception can run $75 to $100 or more per person. Many couples, whose parents aren't able to underwrite this tremendous bill, pay for the hall out of these monetary proceeds. My wife and I did this ourselves.

A. Miss Ultimate Wedding is not immune to the lure of tradition, and would not interfere when customs are practiced among those who developed them. Please forgive her, but in this case she does not quite understand the argument about being emotionally attached to a heritage of which the young lady's parents have never heard.
She also cautions those whom you characterize as "with it," against pleading tradition too strongly. Miss Ultimate Wedding has heard of a great many wedding traditions from these and other cultures, most of which have to do with verifying the virginity of the bride.
As life progresses, people weed out inherited practices they find offensive and dig up ones they find useful, such as you and this bride have done. By requiring guests to contribute toward putting on a wedding that the principals cannot afford, you are jettisoning the tradition of hospitality in favor of one called Living Above Your Means.

Settling Up
Q. I know there's no remedy for my problem. My husband and I had a beautiful, simple wedding (fifty-five guests) a year ago, at our house, which we planned and paid for ourselves. We're in our early thirties, were already living together, and both have full-time jobs. Needless to say, the wedding was a lot of work and expense, but at the time, we were happy we did it. The only thing marring a wonderful memory is that at least twelve of our closest friends who attended never gave us a wedding gift.
I realize it is verging on pettiness, but I wonder how many other couples experience this. Is this common, or do we just have an unusually large number of inconsiderate friends? I know I should never mention it to them, but my husband and I both find that we feel resentful toward these people. I am sure they probably figured they had a year after the wedding to get a gift and then just forgot, but I can't help it. I now look at these people and think they're selfish. I find I don't call them much.
One of these friends is getting married soon and I find myself evilly thinking, "This is our chance to not give them anything." Is this completely out of line? How do my husband and I get rid of this resentment that is now marring our friendships? I now wish we'd eloped.

A. Miss Ultimate Wedding doesn't know how many couples experience bitter regret at having had a simple and beautiful wedding because it did not achieve the goal of collecting tribute from every single person present. Nowadays, probably lots. What's the point in getting married without a 100 percent return in donations? As you may imagine, Miss Ultimate Wedding does not much care for this line of reasoning, which she agrees you have accurately characterized as evil.
The remedy is to enjoy what ought to be your own happiness. However, after your year of improper brooding over deprivation, the situation has changed. You now find yourself in the position of being invited to be wedding guests, and therefore the question of whether to give presents or not is one that you may legitimately consider.
The custom of giving presents to help establish a new household has indeed been eroded, both because many bridal couples, such as yourselves, already have fully stocked households and because the potential recipients have become so frank about their expectations as to take the pleasure out of giving. Miss Ultimate Wedding would like to see the custom survive as a symbolic expression of good will on such an important occasion as marriage—but only if it can be maintained as a voluntary gesture, prompted by affection.
Should you no longer feel affection for your own wedding guests, you have no business attending their weddings. Should you still care for them, it seems to Miss Ultimate Wedding that you would want to participate in their happiness, not seize on an opportunity to slight them in revenge.

The Charity Wedding
Q. Since my fiancé and I are in our late thirties and have maintained households for many years, we do not need many of the things that people often give as wedding gifts. We are both active in volunteer activities and we thought we would ask our friends and relatives to make a donation in our name to our favorite charity, in lieu of a wedding gift.

As we made this known, we found that several friends said they intend to give us a gift anyway. Do you have any suggestion as to how we can tactfully discourage these people? How should we handle the people who bring gifts to the reception anyway? We do not wish to embarrass them, but we also don't want people who followed our wishes to see a number of gifts and wonder if they, too, should have given a gift rather than a donation.

A. Miss Ultimate Wedding has a wonderful suggestion for you: Take all that time and effort you are putting into improperly denying others their privilege to decide what, if anything, they want to give you, and donate it to your favorite charity. As for people who do give you presents, your job is to thank them. The items are then yours, to use as you wish, which could include donating them to charity.