Ultimate Wedding: Wedding Guests

Invitations to Cater
Q. This wedding invitation enclosure card ("Miss Ultimate Wedding says it's okay if you would like to help with donations of food for the reception") left me and other recipients speechless. Since you never seem at a loss for words, would you please comment.

A. Miss Ultimate Wedding is speechless, too, and you will have to excuse her, because when she recovers, the first person she wants to talk to will be her lawyer. Not only did Miss Ultimate Wedding never say any such thing, but she is on record as being violently opposed to the notion of issuing non-hospitable invitations.
Guests (as opposed to those who may volunteer to help, or who respond to a suggestion that everyone pitch in on a cooperative event with no particular host) are not expected to bring their own hospitality along with them. "We're getting married and we expect you to cater the reception" is not an acceptable way to entertain.

Volunteering
Q. My first cousin is getting married, and his mother, my aunt, keeps saying, "It is going to be a small wedding." By that, I assume she is saying I won't be invited. I don't care about myself, but my youngest daughter, who is ten, has never been to a wedding in her life. My oldest daughter, eighteen, has not been to one since she was five. I want very much for them both to at least observe the wedding ceremony. I would be willing for them to pass on the reception, etc. I am on excellent terms with my aunt, but how do I approach her on this subject? I heard that a church is a public place, so a wedding can be observed by anybody. True?

A. Technically, you are right. But Miss Ultimate Wedding promises you that should you take advantage of this, you will no longer be on excellent terms with your aunt. Any way you or your daughter attempt to attend this wedding to which you are not invited—by making any kind of a plea, or by simply dropping by—will be interpreted as a reproach for their not having invited you. And it will create a major embarrassment for your relatives who expect to go off to whatever small celebration they are having, without you.

By the way, Miss Ultimate Wedding, susceptible as she is to maternal solicitude, has failed to be touched by your argument in favor of your daughters. A wedding is not a show to be viewed simply for the experience or amusement.

Parental Discretion
Q. I have received an invitation to my cousin's wedding, addressed to my husband, myself, and our four children, ages nine and a half to one and a half. My aunt, the mother of the bride, told my father that she was upset when she heard I was thinking of hiring a babysitter, at least for the two youngest, because she desired all my children to attend. She loves children, especially tots, no matter how rambunctious they are. I know she wouldn't bat an eye if a youngster ran up the aisle or cried through the service. On the whole, my children are sweet and well behaved, and many enjoy their company. However, most times they are typical children and behave as such. I'm afraid the scene might be this: The four-year-old will talk loudly through the whole service, the two-year-old will flirt with the people behind him, and the one-year-old will want to get down and go off to observe on his own. My husband will not be able to attend and help me. Although my dad would lean over backward to assist me, I don't want to put him in the position of parenting my children at an affair at which he should be enjoying himself. And quite frankly, if I had to spend time in the back of the church, outside, or running after them during the reception, I'd just as soon stay home.

Miss Ultimate Wedding, I want to honor my aunt's wishes. I know she will be disappointed if I only bring part of my brood, but the thought of less than a perfect day exhausts me.

A. You have no idea how refreshing Miss Ultimate Wedding found your letter. To understand that, you would have to see the piles of correspondence she has from people who are vehemently opposed to having any children at family occasions, and from their relatives who are equally vehement about bringing theirs, whether it is appropriate or not.

How nice of your aunt to take such a warm interest in your children, above the technical perfection of the occasion. And how nice of you to take such a warm interest in the occasion, above the natural limitations of your children to tolerate. While hosts are within the bounds of politeness to invite adults-only to a wedding, the parent of invited children is the one to make the decision. (Miss Ultimate Wedding's awkward wording is to head off any misinterpretation that a parent can make the decision about the attendance of children who were not invited.)
You make a strong case for not bringing yours. The polite way to say so, given the hospitality of your aunt, is 'You are so sweet to include them, but, really, they're not old enough to appreciate and enjoy it. They'll be happier hearing about it, and meeting the couple on an occasion when they can really enjoy their attention."

Discretion
Q. The man with whom I have had an "affair" for the last fifteen years is getting married. Technically, I guess it hasn't been an affair, since neither of us was married or in significant monogamous relationships. However, the sexual aspects of our relationship were quite important and were hidden from our various other friends.
He plans to invite me to the wedding. After all, I am one of his closer and longer friends and to not invite me would raise suspicions, he says. Should I go? I will, of course, send a present. Any particular presents that should be avoided or that you would recommend? We have stopped our sexual encounters; however, he continues to visit me occasionally alone, as well as sometimes with his fiancee. Would it be proper for us (or him) to let her know our history?

A. Let us take that last question first; Miss Ultimate Wedding has the feeling it is the key to the rest. What, pray, did you have in mind? A luncheon with the lady during which you wait until she has a mouthful of chef's salad before murmuring, "I don't know if Jeremy happened to mention this to you, but. . ."? Warning the gentleman that the next time they pay one of their visits, you expect him to sit with you on the sofa, facing her, and to say, after simultaneously clearing your throats, "By the way, there is something we think you should know"?

Surely the gentleman's history is his to confide or not, as he sees fit, and in a manner of his own choosing. To suggest otherwise is something very close to blackmail. You would not care to have him coming around in the future, should you form a serious attachment, with an offer to enlighten the gentleman.
Your quibble about what does or does not constitute an affair suggests that you believe that the only legitimate hurt one can inflict is deception, and you seem to count not confessing the past as deception In his remark about not arousing suspicion, the gentleman has indicated that he disagrees.

The answer to your questions about attending his wedding and choosing a present is to continue the discretion you showed, when it was presumably in your own interest, now that it is no longer your concern. As the visits seem to have worked, Miss Ultimate Wedding presumes you are enough under control of your behavior to attend the wedding under the guise of innocent friendship. Your present, also, should be in keeping with that relationship. A photograph album of your last trip with him would, for example, be in bad taste.

Skipping the Ceremony on Principle
Q. When my wife and I get invited to the wedding of a son or daughter of our friends, we usually don't go to the church part, but always go to the wedding reception. We make sure to talk to the bride and groom and always bring a gift.
The reason that we don't go to the church is because I'm not a religious person and my wife is not a member of a major religion and this is known to our friends. But a number of people not involved in the weddings have let their displeasure be known to us in no uncertain terms. Are we obligated to go to the church if we want to exercise our desire to go to the reception? Are we inconsiderate and does this give them the right to be rude to us?

A. Miss Ultimate Wedding does not recall "the right to be rude" as being in the Bill of Rights and grants it to no one. But she can certainly see how you and your wife tempted these people beyond endurance. Attending a wedding ceremony is not an expression of one's own religion, or an endorsement of anyone else's. It is participation in a ceremonial milestone in the lives of people who are important to you, in a way that merely attending their social events is not. What you and your wife have done, by following your idiosyncratic reasoning unrelated to the understanding and customs of the society, is to establish the idea that you attend parties but not more serious events.

Entertainment
Q. Living in Miami, we are surrounded by both Spanish and English. Recently, my husband and I were invited to a wedding and the entire hour-and-a-half ceremony was in Spanish. Unfortunately, I am not fluent in Spanish, and my attention span did not last ninety minutes. Should a couple inform the guests on the invitation if a wedding is to be in Spanish, so each can choose whether or not to attend?

A. You certainly have a peculiar way of choosing whether to attend a wedding. It is Miss Ultimate Wedding's understanding that wedding guests are there out of affection for the bridal couple, not in the expectation of riveting entertainment adjusted to whatever their attention spans happen to be. Unfortunately, there is no way to indicate on a wedding invitation that unsuitable people should decline. If there were, it would read "If you don't care about us, don't bother to attend."

The Obligations of "And Guest"
Q. I am a divorced woman. When I am invited to a wedding, birthday, or any other special occasion, it is addressed to me "and guest." Is it customary for the guest to pay some of the expenses, such as for his dinner or for the gift? I assume that since he is my guest, I do not expect him to pay for anything. However, what if he asks or wants to contribute? In the card, if I am paying for the monetary gift that is enclosed, do I sign my name only, or do I write his name too, although he made no contribution? Does he also write in the guest book? Since I am inviting him to go to the party with me, is it customary for me to pick him up, since I'm going there anyway?

A. You are asking for rules on a practice that Miss Ultimate Wedding considers wrong. Inquiring of one's friends "Who is that charming man you've been seeing?" so as to invite him by name is one thing; giving one's guests two slots each, the other to be filled however that person wishes, is another. The result is that occasions that should be celebrated by one's intimates are half populated by strangers.

Now that Miss Ultimate Wedding has gotten that off her chest, she will address the reality of the situation. Yes, the gentle-man is your guest and should not be asked to pay anything, or to buy a present for a stranger. (Who drives whom is a matter of convenience.) However, as he did attend, his name should appear with yours in the guest book. That at least gives his hosts a chance to find out afterward who was there.

Fielding Questions
Q. I have just received the joyous news that my younger brother is to be married in a little over a year. While I share his excitement, I am already dreading the wedding day for one reason: I am gay.
In and of itself, this should not cause such strong anxiety. However, I anticipate that many of my more distant relatives will attend who are unaware of my sexual orientation. I also expect them to start asking me (and my immediate family) questions about my plans for marriage, as I am nine years older than my brother. Obviously, I have no such plans.

Because I am open about my sexual preference, at almost any other social function I would probably just tell them the truth and add that I have been living happily with a wonderful man for several years, dismissing any distress at that response as the querist's problem. At my brother's wedding, however, I feel that such honesty would detract attention from my brother's special day and place it unwillingly on me. This was an issue at my sister's wedding several years ago.

I don't want to offend my relatives, as such questions are neither prying nor insensitive and are politely meant to engage me in friendly conversation. Yet I would like to discourage such conversation from the beginning. To complicate matters, I expect that my lover will also be invited to the wedding, as my other immediate family members welcome him as a member of our family.

A. Miss Ultimate Wedding appreciates your delicacy in not wanting to make your brother's wedding into a coming-out party for yourself. She also would like to note that "When are you going to get married?" is about the most unpleasant conversation opener there is, for anyone of whom it might be asked, at a wedding or anywhere else. But she notices that the wedding is a year off. Surely your family will have some opportunity to be in touch, informally, during that time, with the relatives who will be attending. They could easily slip in a pre-introduction to your lover, and mention how happy they are to have him in the family. Although Miss Ultimate Wedding does not believe in announcing anything about one's sex life, including its orientation, your living arrangement is properly of interest to those who care about you.