We've been living together for ages, so we have already everything we need."
"We've both been married before, so we have two of everything."
Are those the statements of people who would truly rather not receive any presents?
Oh, perhaps. Every once in a while, Miss Ultimate Wedding actually does hear from someone who is genuinely embarrassed at the idea that inviting intimates to a celebration generally brings forth tangible offerings.
More often, she hears these remarks from people who not only don't object to receiving presents, but are way ahead of the potential givers in thoughts about how best to please the recipients—themselves. If they can't actually surprise themselves, they at least want to do everything else connected with giving the presents they will receive— except, of course, paying for them.
How, they inquire, can they ask guests to get together and sponsor, for example, a major holiday trip? Or how, they ask with even greater candor, can they just get guests to donate cash? Such a useful present and easy to wrap.
If you will allow Miss Ultimate Wedding to mix in some ranting about the vulgarity of this approach, she promises to help make presents do what they are supposed to do, which is to please. The fact is that much of present-giving has become a burden in both directions, which is one reason (the other reasons being greed on the one hand and laziness on the other) that it has deteriorated into the mechanical transfer of money or selection of an item from the recipient's shopping list.
Miss Ultimate Wedding acknowledges that there are many for whom the traditional household presents are not appropriate. She is not as unsympathetic as she pretends with the exasperation of those who deplore the waste of money on unwanted goods. But first we must change attitudes; then we can see about changing the goods.
It is necessary for the preservation of civility to maintain the idea that generosity is—well, generosity. You are not supposed to seem to count on receiving presents—and as a matter of fact, presents for second weddings are not particularly traditional. Nor are presents supposed to be compensation to the celebrants for their expenditure on food and drink. It should also be remembered that guests are guests. Should they happen to be moved to give something they think might be enjoyed, there should be a pretense that they have been successful. You have to seem pleased and grateful.
Attempting to crush out of these well-wishers any impulse to exercise their own thoughts or taste is a mistake. (For that matter, Miss Ultimate Wedding won't even let the nice people put "No gifts," or that painful pun about wanting the guests' "presence, not presents," on their invitations.) Rather, their thoughtfulness should be encouraged.
People who claim to have "everything" have not, it seems, done all the shopping they plan to do for the rest of their lives. They merely mean that they have the staples that once characterized wedding presents. If this isn't obvious to their friends, they may—but only if asked—say modestly, "Oh, we really have all the basic household things," leaving unsaid but obvious the idea that little luxuries would be appreciated.
If the guest cares about the people concerned, he or she should be willing to undertake the obligation to try to think of what would be suitable and pleasing. (Those who don't care enough should decline the invitation and be done with it.) Occasionally people are bound to guess wrong, which is why it is a good idea to make the place of purchase obvious and not inquire after items that may have been discreedy exchanged.
A household where there is enough flatware and appliances can usually use an extra picture frame or vase; most people welcome a case of champagne; many people are known to have an appetite for art books or compact discs. Miss Ultimate Wedding does not presume to know the tastes of your friends better than you. She is only suggesting that expanding the idea of what makes a suitable wedding or anniversary present is better than killing the practice of generosity.
The One-Year-To-Give-A-Present Rule
Q. My twenty-four-year-old son was recently in a wedding for his friend, and when I asked what he was giving the bridal couple, he told me that he hadn't even thought about it, since he had up to a year after the wedding to send a gift.
I guess my shock was apparent because he proceeded to tell me that this was the new social rule for gift-giving. He said that everyone his age knows that, and that the rules as I once knew them had changed.
A. You almost caught Miss Ultimate Wedding there. If she hadn't been paying strict attention, she might have acquiesced in your son's assertion that this was a new rule and obliged you by sliding into the things-are-deteriorating mode.
The fact is, though, that this is a very old rule. That it happens to be more sensible than ever in a time when marriages themselves may not last a year is coincidental. Any time from the announcement of the engagement until the end of the first year of marriage is considered appropriate for sending a wedding present.
Presents at a Reception
Q. Is it acceptable for an adult to attend a wedding and not bring a gift? I feel that it is not, but my fiance says that you will say it is perfectly acceptable.
A. Oh, he does, does he? Funny, Miss Ultimate Wedding doesn't remember him from the Etiquette Council.
Having strenuously maintained that there is no social form, invitation, or announcement that translates as "Present due," Miss Ultimate Wedding might seem trapped into agreeing with your fiance. Fortunately, she is wilier than that. If you do not feel sufficiently pleased by someone's marriage to be moved to try to contribute to that person's happiness, you don't belong at the wedding.
It is possible that your fiance is referring to occasions where he accompanies you but does not actually know the bridal couple who are your friends. In that case, he may be included in your present. And Miss Ultimate Wedding trusts that you do not mean the verb "bring" literally. Wedding presents— properly sent to the bride's home before the wedding, or to the couple's home afterward—are a nuisance when brought to the event, where no one has time to deal with them and there is a danger of their being lost, the cards disappearing, or, Miss Ultimate Wedding regrets to say, the packages being stolen.
Not on the Registry
Q. I am puzzled and hurt, having just received a reproachful thank-you note from my stepsister. I chose a generous but not extravagant wedding gift that I thought she and her fiance would enjoy and sent it with a card wishing them happiness. Her note informs me that they liked my gift, even if it wasn't on their bridal registry list.
I didn't realize that the bridal registry list had become the absolute ironclad means of choosing wedding gifts, and that imagination was no longer appreciated. What should I do the next time my stepsister and I meet? I don't want to allude to this incident, but I'm very much afraid she will.
A. It is indeed a topsy-turvy world where a guest is deemed thoughtless for making an effort to think of something that would be pleasing as a present and where a letter of thanks can be used to chide someone. This kind of thing drives Miss Ultimate Wedding to despair. Then she pulls herself together and agrees with your admirable stance that it is not worth a family quarrel. If your stepsister brings it up, you might allow yourself merely to murmur sincerely, "My intention was to please you."
Cash
Q. Is it true that a cash wedding gift these days should be at least one hundred dollars?
A. Who told you this? Some sweet little bride who could hardly stop blushing as she said it? Miss Ultimate Wedding doesn't approve of cash presents and only grudgingly admits them to the outer rim of propriety when people plead that they are bedridden, out of touch with the tastes of the recipients, or dealing with ingrates who spurn all other offerings. Even then, she can't help asking why one doesn't order by mail, or why one is anxious to please those one hardly knows or knows to be ungrateful. In any event, she will certainly be no party to establishing rates.
Presence Doesn't Count
Q. When attending a wedding abroad, what is considered proper for gift-giving, taking into account the guest's traveling expense to be in attendance? Can the guest's presence be considered as a gift?
A. Miss Ultimate Wedding is curious as to what you think your presence is worth. More than an electric can opener, but less than a tea service? Guests do not get expense accounts for attending weddings, which they can then apply against the debt of a wedding present.
Displaying the Presents
Q. When I was young (I am very old), it was the custom to spread out all the wedding presents for display at the bride's home, with the card of the donor beside the presents. No one does that now. When you suggest it, people are shocked.
It was fun. The guests used to walk around saying things like, "Oh, how pretty the crystal from Aunt Emma is" or "Uncle Louis' plates go so well with the table linens the Smiths gave, don't they?"
A. As partial as she is to tradition, Miss Ultimate Wedding, whose memory goes even farther back than yours, can think of many wedding customs that she would be leery of reviving. Don't ask about the others (they have to do with checking up on the bride's purity and the bridegroom's potency), but this is one.
In an age of consumerism, it would be unwise and unseemly to encourage people to evaluate and compare one another's wedding presents. Suffice it to say that Miss Ultimate Wedding doubts that the comments made would be confined to the sort of genteel compliments you recall.
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