Ultimate Wedding: The Wedding as "My Day"

TERRIBLE IDEA I

The Wedding as "My Day"

That people should get married when they are old enough to know what they are doing seems to Miss Ultimate Wedding to be a remarkably good idea. She would think it reasonable to assume that by that time, they also know enough about themselves, their families, their friends, and human nature, and also about how to entertain, to be able to plan an event that brings all these people together in harmony and delight. Not necessarily, it seems. Wisdom apparently often deserts even the most levelheaded people when it comes to their own weddings. Having presumably learned life's most important lesson—that other people have feelings that must be taken into consideration—they have been known to regress for this one event.

Never mind that maturity had a lot to do with making them desirable as marriage partners. With the modern form of extended courtship (extended beyond parental patience) there is ample opportunity to discover before marriage whether someone else is unselfish enough to take an interest in one's own happiness. It should therefore set off a warning when either one says (or hears), "Ever since I was small, I wanted ..." or "This'll be a good chance to ..." or "After all, we're the people who are getting married, so ..."
Only a warning. Miss Ultimate Wedding, who always assumes the best, is ready to hear these openings properly completed:
"Ever since I was small, I wanted to marry someone wonderful and kind."
"This'll be a good chance to gather all the people we care about and show them how much they mean to us."
"After all, we're the people who are getting married, so we should take the responsibility and see to it that this doesn't unduly burden our parents."
Here, for any brides or bridegrooms who are old enough to know better but may have forgotten, is a reminder list of wedding wisdom.
1. Secret fantasies should remain fantasies, if not secret. No good will come of their being acted out in public. Miss Ultimate Wedding has heard from multi divorced grandmothers who confide that with their latest engagements they see an opportunity to hold the wedding of their childish dreams, designed for nubile brides shyly emerging from their parents' protection; and from successful businesswomen who never would have dreamed of going into show business but who now want to express themselves in wedding dramas of their own making. She sympathizes with both, provided they get a grip on themselves. Miss Ultimate Wedding believes all weddings should be festive, but one should not depend too heavily on the indulgence even close friends have for the showily inappropriate.
2. Parenthood is not exclusively a financial relationship and thus its privileges cannot be suspendedwhen the payments cease. Grown children cannot reappear demanding that they are owed sponsorship of their weddings, nor can they announce that they plan to ignore their parents' feelings and opinions on this family occasion, since they themselves are paying the bills.
3. While most people are pleased to hear that their friends or relatives are getting married, few are so moved as to want to mortgage their own futures in order to make all the couple's dreams come true. Anyway, it is the guests, not the bridal couple, who are supposed to come up with the idea of wedding presents.
4. Guests are guests, and must be treated hospitably even when the hosts happen to be using the day to get married. "We're only having foods we like" is the wrong attitude; the right one is, "We're having special treats that we think everyone will enjoy," even if this is applied to the same menu.
5. A wedding is not an opportunity to boss other people around, whether this means assigning bridesmaids to buy dresses they hate or divorced parents to behave as if they were still married. Neither, for that matter, is a marriage such an opportunity.

Planning "My Day"

Q. What about inviting people verbally, say five months before, and then changing your mind? I realize that it's not right, but sometimes in the expansive mood of the engagement, these mistakes are made. In addition, I've known some sourpusses for many years. They could easily pout their way through the wedding and not share the happiness. Yet I've known them for fifteen years or so, and feel an obligation (somewhat). How much of my day really is this wedding day, anyway?

A. You pushed the wrong button here. Miss Ultimate Wedding hates that bridal canard about My Day (even aside from the question of why isn't it Our Day?)—as if getting married, of all things, gave one the right to suspend normal consideration of others. Here you are contemplating using it to disinvite guests (which would be a high insult) or to rate your friends and relations on whether they will be able to produce suitable facial expressions (which would be a new low in choosing bridal accessories).

"My Day" Ever After

Q. At the time of my wedding, my fiancee/wife unfortunately decided to enforce her standards of aesthetics and insisted that one of my closest friends shave off a beard of dubious aesthetic value as a condition to be an usher.
I was unsuccessful in dissuading her from this course and, on the theory that a wedding day is the bride's day, I reluctantly backed her against my better judgment. My friend understandably chose to withdraw from the wedding party rather than be dictated to. I never was comfortable with the decision and regretted that I could see no middle course. What should/could I have done to avoid the damage to my friendship without alienating my bride?
A second instance involved a social gathering at which some fairly heated opinions were exchanged. My wife took, to my mind, a somewhat outlandish opinion and, when she seemed unable to persuade others, she turned to me for support—insisting on my unqualified support, although I did not agree with her. I tried to soft-pedal the disagreement with innocuous attempts—"Well, that's certainly an interesting viewpoint," or 'You can certainly look at it that way," but it was to no avail. During the ride home, I was roundly criticized for my failure to rally unconditionally to her side.
I have to emphasize that my personal view was that her opinion was—ah—not in the mainstream of conventional thought. How could I better have handled this dilemma between intellectual honesty and personal commitment? I tried, I really did, but both situations blew up in my face despite my best efforts to avoid this.

A. Miss Ultimate Wedding seeks to avoid these problems by stamping out that appalling belief, to which even you subscribed out of kindness, that a wedding is "the bride's day," during which she is permitted to act as a tyrant.
It is, as you have discovered, an extremely bad precedent. Miss Ultimate Wedding can hardly think of anyone for whom consideration for the feelings of others is as crucial as someone who is getting married. It would be nice if your gende attempts to avoid making stands that displease your wife resulted in her appreciation for your character and her desire to reciprocate. Unfortunately, such does not appear to have been the case.

Having been backed into dictating to your friend on a matter that concerns him alone—wedding attendants are supposed to be chosen for their friendship, not their beauty, and this wasn't even her wedding attendant but yours—the lady now believes that she can dictate your opinions. Miss Ultimate Wedding is afraid that you will have to disabuse her of this error if you are to have any hope of having a pleasant married life.
Marital loyalty is a wonderful thing, and Miss Ultimate Wedding does not wish to minimize the manifold opportunities to practice it. But professing opinions of which you disapprove is not such an instance. This is not just because it would violate your moral obligations to state your opinions honestly. Actually, marriage sometimes requires doing just that—for example, saying, "I thought you did great" or 'You look wonderful." But marriage, as it involves two people with separate brains, does not require professing a unified intellectual stance (and hers, at that, with no consideration given to the possibility of its occasionally being yours).

The Berserk Bride
Q. One of my brothers is about to be married to a woman I liked very much when we met. Since then, however, I have become appalled.
I observed her and her friends doing the "white glove test" at a dinner party. She has asked my parents to pay half the wedding costs (her parents have encouraged her to reduce her expectations). She called my mother to ask exactly what her future in-laws will give as a wedding present and, when told, said, "Oh, I guess that will be okay." I have been making a quilt and, when the quilt top was done, she strongly desired that I make the two-hour round-trip for her to inspect it. Everything is done with a cheerful voice and pleasant smile, but it makes her behavior no more appealing. I wish to be polite, but my stress level increases with each encounter. The wedding is three months away!

A. Three months seems sufficient time for you, and perhaps your parents as well, to have a cozy little chat with your brother. It should go something like this:
"Tiffany is such a lovely girl, dear; we're all so happy for you. We're so much looking forward to having her in the family. I'm sure that she'll soon get used to our ways. But perhaps—since we don't want to get off on the wrong foot with her—you'd better tell her about us. As you know, we'd like you both to have lovely things, but we can't really see paying for a lavish wedding. And we felt funny about being asked about our presents. Tell her to have a little more faith in our desire to welcome her, even if she doesn't find us able to be as generous as you may have led her to expect. The quilt is a labor of love, but it's really not reasonable to make a special trip to have it inspected. Tell her I want her to be happy with it, but I just don't have that kind of leisure. Darling, I hope you didn't make her think we were rich, or had unlimited free time. But what we do have is lots of love to give your wife; see if you can make her understand that."

The Reasonable Bride
Q. As a bride-to-be, I've noticed a little bit of something resembling Open Season on Brides, even in your own lovely column. Brides all over are being chastised as being selfish, petty, insensitive, etc., these days.
In response, I'd like to make a few suggestions to the friends and family, and friends-and-family-in-law, of the bride-to-be:
1. Out-of-towners: No, I did not schedule my wedding on your birthday or anniversary just to annoy you. I picked it because it was the only day available in my church in the next calendar year. If you can't come, I'm sorry. If you do come, please don't complain to me about your accommodations, the food at the reception, or how much all this nonsense is costing you. I already know how much it costs. I'm helping to pay for it.
2. Close friends: Don't ask me "Why wasn't I asked to be a bridesmaid?" Please be careful not to rewrap and give me the gift I gave you for your wedding.
3. Attendants: If you can't afford the expense, tell me when I ask you to be an attendant. Then I can offer to pay, or you can bow out gracefully. If you said you want some say in how the dresses look, keep your eyes peeled and help me shop. Please keep in mind that I'm dealing with a group of women of very different tastes and sizes and I'd like to please you all as much as possible. When invited to "preview" a dress before the decision, either go and look at it and give me your opinion, or don't complain about the choice made. Please don't fuss about the relative size or attractiveness of the other ladies or the groomsmen. They're also my friends.
4. Groomsmen and best man: I spent months planning for this day. I would appreciate it if you would deliver the groom to the church on time, not noticeably suffering from the effects of too much alcohol.
5. In-towners: If you can stand the thought, offer to put up some out-of-towners. You will claim my undying devotion. Offers to drive these people to the reception, to the airport, or wherever will also be greatly appreciated. Some day I may be able to return the favor for your child.
6. Family: Talk about the "other" family quietly, preferably somewhere else, after the reception.
7. Everyone: Please answer my invitation promptly. And don't do it with a phone call, either. If you don't want to get me a present or throw me a party, fine. There's no obligation. Just don't try to explain it to me.
Please don't criticize my choice of china, crystal or silver—or husband. Don't ask me how much anything, or all of it, costs. Make an effort to socialize with anyone who looks lonely at the reception. Don't ask if you can bring a friend!
If you could make an attempt to do the above, I'd appreciate it more than all the presents or parties in the world. And please—no more spoiled-bride anecdotes. I may snap and run after you, screaming, waving my Bridal Organizer.

A. Miss Ultimate Wedding will thank you for this excellent lesson, just as soon as she can control the blush suffusing her delicate cheeks. For indeed, you are quite right that Miss Ultimate Wedding has allowed herself to become snappish during wedding season, when she has been overexposed to brides whose credo is After-All-It's-My-Day. Any sensible person who hears someone speaking in an imperious tone of "her day" would be wise to consider that it therefore isn't going to be anyone else's day, and to leave her to enjoy it alone.
To brides such as yourself, who try to plan a pleasant day for everyone, only to suffer the sort of treatment you describe, Miss Ultimate Wedding offers her apologies, sympathies, and pledge of assistance.