Stepfathers and Fathers
When Miss Ultimate Wedding hears about stepfathers, it is usually as their stepdaughters are about to trade them in. "Who should give me away?" they ask when they are planning to be married.
Well, dear, who has you? Never mind that it is usually the bridegroom. Miss Ultimate Wedding does not believe in spelling everything out on ceremonial occasions, even symbolically. Wedding guests are neither as innocent nor as easily titillated as young couples excitedly imagine.
The odd persistence of the archaic gesture of giving away a bride has often come to mean that on the threshold of starting her own married life, a young lady who has been reared and sheltered by a gentleman unrelated to her by blood will inquire how to explain to him that she is dividing the tasks of fatherhood—and that his lot is to pay bills, not to give her away.
Mind you, Miss Ultimate Wedding is not going to argue otherwise. It is true that the hosts of the wedding reception are responsible for providing refreshment for their guests, a point not to be taken for granted in the day of that abomination called the "cash bar." And the people whose names are on the top of the invitation are the hosts. (Surprise, surprise—you thought the bride and bridegroom were in charge, didn't you?) So if the bride's mother and her husband are giving the wedding, Miss Ultimate Wedding cannot relieve them of the responsibility of paying for whatever they (they!) decide they can afford.
Nor is Miss Ultimate Wedding opposed to having the bride's original father, or whatever we call such people nowadays (being referred to as biological parents sounds as if the act were performed for a science-fair demonstration) perform the charmingly anachronistic function of "giving her away" to a taker who may have already established as much possession as he can reasonably expect.
Finances aside, the bride's father is the bride's father. There may be circumstances that have made her feel that he has destroyed that tie, but otherwise it is the lot of kind stepparents to yield gracefully to prior claims, rather than to force her to make a wrenching choice. That said, Miss Ultimate Wedding hopes those stepdaughters will take into account what a beautiful thing it is for someone to parent another person's child. Or to consider that family participation in a wedding is not a matter of casting preset roles, but of arranging things to fit the particular families involved.
For this reason, Miss Ultimate Wedding was delighted, rather than shocked, at the Gentle Reader who "couldn't pass up an opportunity to tell you about my granddaughter's wedding. She was 'given away' by four fathers!
"One was her stepfather, one was her natural father (who had been divorced when she was an infant and whom she had located a year or so before the wedding), one was my husband, who is her grandfather, and who had always been there for her while she was growing up, and one was the grandfather she had just found, her natural father's father. The murmurs and looks on the faces of the guests in the church would have made a hilarious movie. What exactly is important, anyway? To me, this was her way of expressing her love and her appreciation of the 'fathers' in her life."
The correct answer is, of course, that love is important. But Miss Ultimate Wedding, who also finds tradition important, is as charmed and amused as the guests. It is not exactly traditional to have four fathers give a bride away, but if the tradition is adapted to the family, rather than the other way around, this bride ends up with a nontraditional quartet of fathers. Miss Ultimate Wedding is not making this a general recommendation—you have to have a family, and friends, who have as much good nature and humor as this bride's grandmother. She just prefers to deal with questions of how to confer honor on stepfathers, rather than those on how to make them just quietly pay.
When the choice is made and explained tactfully, it behooves the one not chosen to be graceful. A bride who tells her stepfather that she loves him dearly but feels she should have her father with her, or one who explains to her father that she loves him dearly but her stepfather was the one with whom she grew up, should be met with an example of magnanimous acceptance.
If the Stepfather Gives Away the Bride, the Father ...
Q. What is the proper role of the father of the bride when the bride chooses her stepfather to walk her down the aisle? There is no estrangement between father and daughter and he has provided financial and emotional support from infancy through college. The bride simply feels closer to her stepfather, having lived with him and her mother almost all her life. Surely the father's role does not just become that of a guest. But I have heard no alternative offered that would give an honored role to the father at the wedding and/or reception.
A. The proper role of the father in these circumstances is to beam. He must project this beam so that no one has any excuse for believing that his daughter or her stepfather has slighted him, or that he is miffed at either of them.
He may certainly be in the receiving line, if the stepfather and the father of the bridegroom are; if they choose to circulate as hosts instead, he may do the same. This consists of welcoming guests, seeing to it that no one is stranded, and confessing to them that he can hardly imagine his little girl is old enough to be married.
Presuming there is no animosity among different parts of the family, he should be seated with the other parents at the wedding breakfast. He may so assume—not necessarily exclusively—such fatherly privileges as offering a toast to the couple, enjoying an early dance with the bride, and enjoining the bridegroom to take good care of her.
Giving Away Mother
Q. My daughter, who is thirty-five, is having a large second wedding and has informed me she wants her two sons, age eighteen and eleven, to give her away, so that they will be part of the ceremony and not feel left out.
Where does this leave her father? We are a loving family and she loves her father very much, but she said he gave her away at the first wedding. Shouldn't the boys be ushers, or the eleven-year-old a ring bearer (or is he too old for that)?
A. Although Miss Ultimate Wedding admires the motivation for featuring children in a wedding that will make them part of a new family, she has to say that the symbolism of having a bride given away by her own children is not good. Far from leaving them for her new husband, as she does her father, she is taking them with her.
As for her father, she has already left his household, and the symbolism of his giving her away a second time is not great, either. It looks as though he plans to keep doing this until he finds a permanent taker. A wedding can be just as legal and charming when that particular ceremony is omitted. She can be escorted to the altar by her sons or her father, anyway, and, especially in a case such as yours, where feelings might be hurt, simply have him or them stand at the altar with her, as she takes her vows.
This might be better for the sons, anyway. On the one hand, they should not be left out, but on the other, they may not be as eager to acquire this new relative as their mother is, and should be allowed to participate without solemnly and publicly taking part in making it come about.
Stepmothers and Mothers
Q. My husband's daughter is getting married and I want to do what is best for all. I have told my stepdaughter that I will give her a bridal shower for her father's side of the family.
Am I supposed to invite her mother and grandmother? How am I to dress for the wedding day? Do I dress as though I'm the mother of the bride? Should the color of my dress match the bridesmaids' dresses? Do I wear a corsage? Where do I sit in church?
Is my husband also expected to have pictures taken with his ex-wife? Are my parents to be considered as grandparents? (My stepdaughter does not call them grandma and grandpa, but Mr. and Mrs.) My husband and his ex-wife divorced on unfriendly terms and he and I have been married for three years. What about when the bridal party is called to the dance floor and then the parents—is my husband expected to dance with his ex-wife? Or do I?
A. You certainly are not expected to dance with your husband's ex-wife. Miss Ultimate Wedding is happy to be able to provide you with instant relief from that worry. She can also get you off the shower hook, so to speak, if it is not too late. Showers are not supposed to be given by relatives of the guest of honor. You are her stepmother, and may give a luncheon or reception in her honor, but not a shower, because the last is characterized by the giving of presents and one is not supposed to be greedy on behalf of a relative. (See The Shower)
As for the other activities—costuming the relatives, deciding the dance order and posing for pictures—these are not, repeat not, part of the proper wedding tradition. There is nothing wrong with consulting about clothing so that no one seriously clashes in style with anyone else; with wearing flowers; with signing up the bride for early dances with her closest male relatives; with having pictures taken. But these are not proper wedding rituals. There is no rule of etiquette mandating that mothers of the bride and bridegroom match anyone, even each other; there is no rule that certain female relatives must be distinguished with corsages; there is no rule that certain people must dance together, or must appear together in photographs.
There is a rule that everyone must be polite to everyone else, no matter what the previous family activities. This may very well mean pretending that they don't dislike one another, but it does not extend to pretending that the original couple are still married. The lady accompanying the father of the bride is his wife, not his former wife. Brides who wish to display such a charade at their wedding must be gentiy discouraged.
Gargoyles
Q. My stepson is going to be married this spring. My husband's two ex-wives will be there. Am I required to speak or be civil to these gargoyles? The wedding is going to be a small home wedding, so there will be no graceful way of avoiding the two.
A. Absolutely, Miss Ultimate Wedding requires that you be civil and speak to all the guests at the wedding. Unless, of course, your object is to inform everyone present that your husband is in the unfortunate habit of marrying nothing but gargoyles.
Unapproved Relatives
Q. Who should wear corsages at my son's traditional wedding to a very sweet girl? My mother passed away and my daddy soon remarried. An argument between me and him caused problems with other members of the family and my son and his fiancee do not speak to his grandfather very much. When they are around, you can feel the tension in the air, and they also feel not welcomed down their house. My son does not consider this woman his grandmother.
My daddy will wear a corsage at the wedding, as being a grandparent. Should his wife wear one? If she should, can it be a different kind than the rest of the wedding party? If she does, is my son acknowledging her as his grandmother?
A. Corsages are not legally binding. They should not even be as symbolically significant as they have become, but Miss Ultimate Wedding despairs of making people understand what an unfortunate idea it is to pin signs on some guests to signify that they are more important than others. Among other things, it leads to such potentially explosive situations as you describe.
Since you are politely overlooking family animosities to decorate the grandfather (with a single flower at the lapel, rather than a bouquet, Miss Ultimate Wedding trusts), you might as well go whole hog, if we can use that term in relation to politeness, and decorate his wife as well. Just don't search the plant world to try to make it clear that you are labeling her as second class.
Former Relatives
Q. My son died several years ago. His widow is being married soon. Is it customary for the family of the deceased spouse to be invited to the wedding? They are having a large wedding. If we are not invited, should we send a gift?
A. It is not customary, for fear that the family of the deceased spouse may find such a ceremony painfully reminiscent of the previous wedding. Your question suggests that you are on warm terms with your daughter-in-law and it would be kind of you to let her know that you wish her happiness. This can be done with a letter and, if you wish, a present.
Unmarried Parents
Q. I never married my daughter's father—he never divorced and I never married. I've seen etiquette rules for divorced parents at their child's wedding, but not for those who were never married.
He still lives with his wife and their grown daughter. He has visited us over the years on a rather regular basis and he has never missed a special occasion. He and my daughter keep in touch and he and I speak occasionally on the phone over family matters. We hold no animosities. At my daughter's wedding my guest will be my "beau" of two years. My daughter's father will be walking her down the aisle, but he will be attending alone. He has never been accepted by most of my family, although he is respected and acknowledged as a true human by my aunt and uncle and by the groom's parents.
What is the proper seating for the church ceremony and the reception? Both men are congenial types, always willing to talk with anyone (and hopefully to each other). We don't want to offend anyone, but most importantly, we do not want to make her father feel unwanted—he is wanted. We also don't want to make my guest feel unnecessary or in the way.
A. Among the things that etiquette is much too polite to pay attention to at a wedding is whether or not the bride's parents were ever married. The marriage that is of interest is the one taking place at the moment, and the relevant characteristic of the parents is that they are her parents.
Normally, the bride's family is grouped together, both at the ceremony and if there is seating at the party afterward. The only reason that ways have recently been found to keep them apart is the fear that they will kill one another. Those parents not currently married are neither required to pretend to be a pair for the occasion nor to keep their distance, unless they and their current partners are not to be trusted together. In your case, you have an amiable set of people, all presumably focused on the bride's happiness, rather than on any previous dissatisfactions of their own. By all means, sit together. Your disgruntled relatives will simply have to accept the harmony among you. Perhaps it will set them an example.
The Birth Mother
Q. Our daughter gave up a son at birth for adoption. Now, twenty years later, this lad has looked us up and we are delighted. The question is, where do we fit in at his coming wedding? His adopted mother is dead. He has his adopted father, grandmother on one side, and an aunt.
One reason he looked us up is that he was looking for more family. He found his birth mother, two aunts, two cousins and us, a set of grandparents. I don't think it fair to the adoptive father for the birth mother to be in the receiving line. In fact, I wonder if we should be at the wedding at all?
A. As you have sensitively considered, a newly discovered mother does not belong in a line to receive the intimate circle of a family with whom she has not been acquainted. Can you imagine the explanations that would be necessary?
"I'm Jonathan's mother. No, I had nothing to do with his father here. His birth father is—oh, never mind. It was someone else; let's just leave it at that. Of course I know Mrs. Tunis was his mother, although I never actually knew her. But she's dead, you know, and then he went and found me . . ." The receiving line wouldn't budge after the first person started to receive this interesting news. The entire focus of the occasion would be on this relationship, rather than that of the new couple.
This is by no means to say that Miss Ultimate Wedding is opposed to your family's attending the wedding, if the bridegroom's adoptive relatives are not hurt by it. They may even be agreeable to having a minor fuss made over you—say, toasting the newly found relatives at the reception, by way of announcement. But this, as your instinctive courtesy tells you, is not for you to suggest.
Your proposal might be that the lad ask his father how he would feel about any or all of you going to the ceremony only, or attending the reception but merely identifying yourselves as relatives of the bridegroom without going into detail. Even if he welcomes you, it would be well to be careful to show that he is the one with the parental authority (or what can be said to be left of it by the time the child gets married), not your daughter, who turned it over to him.
Respect for Relatives
Q. On the day before my cousin's wedding, our great-uncle was seriously injured in a car accident. Things were touch and go that night; fortunately, by the morning of the wedding, he was out of danger and his daughter even dropped by the reception to represent that branch of the family and reassure the rest of us that her father would be fine.
Now that I am looking forward to my own wedding, I have begun to wonder what would be proper if a member of the family were to die just a short time before the wedding. (I do hope I don't seem cold-blooded, but I suppose that's the proper way to approach questions of manners— coolly.) Should we cancel the wedding out of respect? I hope not. Go ahead with the ceremony but cut back on the festivities at the reception? Offer a toast in the dead relative's memory and go on with the party? Ignore it altogether?
I'm sure our own emotional reactions would depend on the closeness and affection of the relationship, but I suspect Miss Ultimate Wedding would want to remind us that decisions regarding weddings are not and should not be made solely or even principally to satisfy the feelings of the bride and groom.
A. Miss Ultimate Wedding is pleased to hear that your great-uncle recovered and hopes everyone else is feeling well enough to outlast your wedding. The answer to your question is that the wedding ceremony may still take place if a relative dies, but that a family does not have any sort of a celebration immediately upon the death of one of its members. Unless it is a very distant relation who is stricken, the wedding reception should be canceled.
Miss Ultimate Wedding approves your noting that it is not only the feelings of the bridal couple who are to be considered here. The dead are also to be considered. Respect for the memory of a just-deceased relative is more important than consideration merely of the disappointment friends may feel at the cancellation of a party.
Dissenting Relatives
Q. My son is getting married in another part of the country. The bride-to-be and her mother are bubbling with excitement over the fancy wedding reception they are staging. They were so determined to hold it at a particular site that the wedding date was delayed by two months.
I don't care for ostentatious wedding-day arrangements. Certainly I will not stand in a receiving line. Nor will I allow my picture to be taken. (I do not like the way I photograph lately; recently, I had my silhouette done, rather than submit to the embarrassment of another picture.) Obviously, I am going to make someone angry if I hold to my principles at the reception. Thus I am thinking of just going to the wedding and not to the party afterward.
Which do you think would be least offensive to the bride and her mother—attending the reception in a way I can tolerate, or just skipping it altogether? If I do attend, I will not make any negative remarks, but neither will I pretend enthusiasm for anything I don't like. My husband, on the other hand, will jovially go through the motions at the reception, and then come home and have a great laugh over his phoniness.
A. Those are interesting principles you have. As Miss Ultimate Wedding understands it, they require sabotaging your son's wedding reception and publicly insulting his bride and her family—out of respect for your sense of style and an odd whim or two.
Miss Ultimate Wedding refuses to recommend either of your solutions. If you are surly at the wedding reception, it will, of course, create a scandal. The inevitable assumption will be that you hate the bride. If you boycott the reception, the assumption will be that it is the bridegroom, your own son, who has done something so appalling that you cannot forgive him.
In neither case could you expect to have much of a relationship with the couple after the wedding. The wound you so righteously talk of inflicting will be a serious one. Miss Ultimate Wedding suggests you adopt your husband's solution. The parents of bridegrooms often laugh as they congratulate themselves on how superior their taste is to the other family's. But the principled ones do this strictly in private.
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