Ask the Newlyweds: The Transition From Girlfriend to Wife

Don’t take it personally… or the adjustment from girlfriend to wife.

You may think you’ve got the basics of being a great girlfriend covered. You’re calm, fun, and willing to compromise. Then you get engaged, and instead of feeling like a princess, you feel like one of Cinderella’s stepsisters—snappy, tired, and no fun to be around. Most women expect the engagement period to be blissfully happy, full of celebration and romance. While this is true, lots of brides are crushed to find this period is also filled with tension, disagreements, and frustration. Relax—this happens to the most levelheaded woman when she makes the transition to bride. You are making a major adjustment and you are not alone!

Most women expect the engagement period to be blissfully happy, full of celebration and romance—and it is to a point. But surprisingly Because of the emphasis on this brand new phase in your life, you become obsessed with perfection in not only your wedding, but also the very relationship you’ve grown to love. Excepting your bond to meet the ideals of the “perfect marriage”, you test your man to see the limits he will go to for you. Putting your relationship under a microscope is not the answer, however. Your fiancé fell in love with who you are. Your satisfaction depends more on you than him.

If you live with your fiancé, you will feel the effects of the engaged-girl’s saga even more. The last thing your groom wants is a grumpy bride, and the last thing you need is more frustration. It’s important to treat this time with an open mind. The more you contribute of yourself, the more you’ll get out of your relationship. You’ll be relieved to discover the satisfaction you get by following your own interests.

Although this is traditionally a romantic time, you may find yourself craving more time away. It’s not that you don’t want to be around your man, it’s that you want to continue developing as a woman, and share your feelings with people that can bounce approval back to you. This is a time to rely on the women in your life—draw on your mother, sisters, old girlfriends you’ve lost touch with, female colleagues, and the growing relationship with your female in-laws. They will be much more enthusiastic about the details of your wedding, and your development from a bride to a wife.

After you are married, you will both experience feelings about partnership that you never considered. Like how you have to buy two different types of breakfast foods, and having to compromise on the thermostat setting. Where you were once set in your ways, you are now willing to change with the times. It’s normal to feel torn between the two. Realize that when you do compromise with your fiancé it’s not because your way is no good. You’ll compromise because it’s the considerate thing to do, and the favor will be returned.

One time during my engagement, my fiancé had to switch jobs and turn in his company car. When he started looking at different types, he emphasized that it would be “our” car, although he would mainly use it for work. The day before we were going to look at cars, he said he’d found the one he wanted online. I immediately debated his choice in my desire to remain independent. When he touted the advantages of this car over others, I saw he had made a solid decision. What was really bothering me, was that I didn’t have any input in it.

This brought to light one of my fears about marriage—that my husband would be in control. I saw that it doesn’t matter who’s in control when things are being taken care of. I also saw that he wanted me to voice my opinion on things and that he respected me when I did so. I began to realize that the more we both contribute to decisions, the happier, and more involved we both feel.

Becoming a bride is an adjustment, and like any other, it takes time to get used to. Remember that you are entering into a partnership, not a battle. There will be plenty of nagging details when the wedding comes. Instead, enjoy your engagement for what it is—a new stage of emotional development in your life.

-- Mara, Atlanta, GA