Monday, April 21, 2008

Big Day: Q & A

Q: I'm concerned about socializing with guests at the reception. My fiancé ˇnd I want to enjoy ourselves, meaning dancing and having fun. We know that we need to mingle with our guests, but we don't want to be tied up all night with them—it's our party too. How long should we spend with each guest? Any other suggestions?

A: See, this is why I am such an advocate of the receiving line! If you've got more than 100 guests, it's hard to know if you're actually going to get to spend time with all of them if you don't do a formal receiving line.

Personally (and other etiquette divas will agree) I think any wedding with more than 50 guests demands a receiving line. This way, you get to spend a bit of personal time with each and every guest, which makes them very happy and you less stressed, because you're not worrying about who you missed saying hi and thank you to when you're out on the dance floor doing the funky chicken.

That said, you should not view having to greet and spend time with your guests as being tied up! These are your friends and loved ones who are here to celebrate with you, and—sorry if it bursts your bubble—a big part of being the bride and groom means being a good host and hostess (even if your parents are paying!). A good way to double-check that you've covered everyone is to take a trip around the reception room during the meal—either as a couple or each of you separately—and stop at every single table to chat with each guest and generally make an appearance.

Be extra mindful to older guests, whom you likely won't meet out on the dance floor, and people you don't see very often, especially anyone who has come a long way (and paid serious bucks) to be at your wedding; they'll be disappointed if they don't have some time with you. A final thought: Remember that your guests are a part of your having fun, not mutually exclusive from it— many of them will be out there doin' the funky chicken with you!

Q: Do I have to throw my bouquet? There will only be a few single women at my very small wedding -- it will be very cozy and rather informal. What are my options? I'd like to do something special, but not embarrass anyone, including me.

A: It's true that the bouquet toss can be a bit embarrassing -- some single women have even been known to retreat to the bathroom when the time comes. Instead, you might consider presenting your bouquet to someone special -- your sister, your mom, your maid of honor or a guest who's engaged. It doesn't have to mean she's the next one to get married, it's just a nice keepsake from you. You can either present it privately or make an announcement during the reception.

Q: My two kids are included in the bridal party and I don't know who to ask to take care of them during the ceremony and reception. Is it proper to ask somebody to watch them while we're busy? I have a five-year-old girl and two-year-old boy.

A: Do you have a regular babysitter whom your kids (and you) know and trust? If so, ask if he or she would mind "working" your wedding, taking care of the kids while you two are playing bride and groom. You can pay your sitter for hours worked, just as you would if he or she was watching the kids at home, but there will be the added bonus of yummy wedding food and dancing with the little ones!

Q: In my job, I have worked closely with people from all over the state. Many close friendships have been established in different offices. My office consists of 20 people and I have worked here for five years. Should I send individual invitations, or an invitation to the whole office? Also, in other offices where I know the staff but only may be close to two or three people, what is appropriate in regard to the invitations?

A: A very good question. Inviting coworkers is something many couples get tripped up on. It's nice to be able to invite all your coworkers (count yourself lucky if you get along with all of them that well!), but don't feel as if you are obligated to. This is getting away from your specific question a bit, but bear with me for a sec. Unless you work in a tiny office or an otherwise very close-knit one (in which case you'd probably want to invite all or none of them, to keep the peace), you might consider only inviting coworkers you are also friendly with outside of work, along with your immediate supervisor (a nice gesture, whether or not you think he/she will come).

Most coworkers will understand this -- after all, a wedding is an event for close friends and family, and you may not be close to every one of your coworkers. As far as the group vs. individual invitation question: Technically, everyone should get their own invitation. This will make each person feel you want him or her there, and it will also make keeping track of R.S.V.P.s easier; if you issue a general invitation to 20 people, you're probably going to have to make a list and/or track everyone down to see if they're coming. If that doesn't seem like a big deal to you, and you'd rather not use 20 invites when you could just post one in the break room for everyone to see, there's nothing wrong with a group invitation. If you're only close to several people in another office, just send each of them his or her own invitation. I'm sure the other workers don't expect to be invited to your wedding.

Q: I'm an African-American bride-to-be who would like to include something of my culture in my wedding -- not so subtle that only I would know, but not blaring, either. I'm marrying a man of Scottish decent, and we would like to include something from his background also. My question is, how can this be done tastefully without a clash of styles? He is considering wearing a kilt.

A: It's wonderful that you want to include both your cultures in your wedding. There are many different traditions and touches to incorporate, and they won't at all "clash." A libation ceremony is something you might consider: In this African-American ritual, liquids are poured symbolically on the ground as an offering to your ancestors, while a traditional toast in memory and celebration of your relatives -- living and dead -- is recited by the officiant or a family member. (You can do this during the ceremony or the reception). This is a wonderful way to recognize family, in a similar way that the plaid on a Scottish kilt symbolizes your fiance's relatives. In fact, you can also celebrate your fiance's relatives during this ceremony.

Of course, there are also African fabrics, like Kente cloth, that you might want to incorporate into your ensemble; perhaps choose colors that will complement the shades in your fiance's kilt. A more subtle, traditional detail might be to sew a few cowry shells -- African symbols of health and fertility -- into the dress or hem or your garter, or attach a few to your bouquet. Your groom might carry a few in his jacket pocket. For more ideas, check out books like "Jumping the Broom: The African-American Wedding Planner" by Harriette Cole (Henry Holt, 1995) and "The Nubian Wedding Book: Words and Rituals to Celebrate and Plan an African-American Wedding" by Ingrid Sturgis (Three Rivers Press, 1998).

Q: If a single guest is invited to a wedding far, far from where he or she lives (like 3,000 miles), should the person be invited with a guest, even if they're not romantically involved with anyone? I'd hate to ask someone to travel that far, spend all that money, and not even have the option of bringing a travel companion.

A: There is no rule about this -- that is, it's not mandatory to invite single guests with dates -- but I agree with you that it's gracious to allow someone who's going so out of their way to be at your wedding to bring a guest along if they so choose, instead of traveling so far alone! If you don't want your friend to feel pressured to bring someone, consider giving the person a call to say that if they'd like to bring a guest, you'd be delighted. Then send an invite for two.

Q: I just found out that my three half-sisters are traveling quite a distance to come to my wedding. They are not part of the wedding party -- I've only seen each of them five times in 25 years and they are not my favorite people! They'll be in town in time for the rehearsal dinner, and I'm wondering if it would be awful if they weren't invited to the dinner. Help!

A: Technically, you don't have to invite out-of-town guests to the rehearsal -- it can be a very small, intimate party for just you two, your immediate families, and the wedding party. But this is a touchy one. Since they are family members, will they know about the rehearsal dinner? Will they be offended to not be invited after they traveled all this way? Are those bad feelings they may then bring to the wedding worth it, or would you be better off just inviting them to the rehearsal dinner to be a gracious hostess, and be done with it?

This is one of those situations where you have to decide which is the lesser of two evils. I, for one, am a fan of making things as easy as possible for yourself come wedding time, so unless something totally goes against every principle you ever had, there are times when compromise is worth it. To me, this sounds like one of those times. Consider too that if you've seen them so seldom in the past, you may have the wrong impression of them -- maybe they'll turn out to be some of your *very* favorite people! This decision in yours to make.

Q: Both of my sisters had programs printed for their ceremonies. Are programs necessary, or are they just a sign of the times? If they are expected, is it possible to compose them on a PC? Also, what is a program expected to include?

A: I think programs are a cool thing, because they make guests feel involved in what's going on during the ceremony. Especially if it's an interfaith wedding, or if the bride or groom is from a different culture, it's gracious to explain to guests in a program what the different traditions and rituals included in the ceremony mean.

But even if it's a standard Protestant ceremony and everyone there is completely WASPy, it's still nice to let them in on the ceremony details.

What should definitely be included? An "itinerary," as it were, of what will happen during the ceremony, starting from the prelude music and ending with the recessional. List all the info about songs played, readings and poems read -- and who's reading them. The entire wedding party should also be listed. I've seen great programs that say, "Maid of Honor: Jennifer Monroe, the bride's best friend." Let guests know who all these people are!

You may also want to include a thank-you to your two sets of parents, and/or a tribute to a deceased parent or other relative you want to honor. Some couples also write an open thank-you to all their guests for coming.

Basically, your program can be as complicated or as simple as you want. You can definitely create programs using all the fun fonts on your computer. Added bonus -- a pretty ceremony program makes a nice memento!

Q: I will be matron of honor at my sister-in-law's wedding (she's my husband's sister). I want to toast her and her groom, but I do not share a long history with them and I don?t know what's appropriate. Any ideas?

A: Obviously you are close to your sister-in-law if she asked you to be her honor attendant, so focus on the bond you've formed with her since you married her brother. Touch on how she made you feel welcome in her family, and that you're looking forward to getting to know her groom better as another member of your extended family. If she met him while you knew her and you remember her talking about him when they first dated, you might share a fun anecdote about how excited she was about him, or tell about the moment she told you they were getting engaged. But don?t stress too much -- all you really need to do is wish the newlyweds well.

Q: My mom and I disagree about whether to tip the DJ, photographer, videographer and caterer. I think that it would be appropriate, and my mom feels very strongly that we should not. She says we are paying astronomical fees for their services already. My fiance and I, as well as my parents, are paying for the wedding, so how should this be handled?

A: It is true that tips are not mandatory -- they are an extra "thank-you" for a job very well done. On the other hand, unless your vendors screw up royally, it is customary to tip, just as you would in a restaurant. Your mom has a good point in that you're already paying them a lot of money for their services; it's really up to you whether or not you want to tip them. You may be uncomfortable not doing so, and it might just be worth it to give 'em a little something instead of having to be anxious about it. If Mom won't budge on tipping but it's bugging you, you and your fiance may decide that you two would like to take care of the tips yourselves.

Q: Who is invited to the rehearsal dinner? My fiancee says family, everyone in the wedding, and all the out-of-town guests. I personally wouldn't include all the out-of-towners.

A: The rehearsal-dinner guest list can include just the two of you, your immediate families, the wedding party, and the officiant and his/her spouse. Or, it can be a larger event, including all the out-of-town guests (or at least all those will have already arrived in town for the wedding). It's up to you, but the reason many couples do include out-of-towners (especially when the rehearsal dinner is the night before) is so they're not left stranded in their hotel rooms. It's all about being a good host/hostess. However, it's your prerogative to want an intimate party (for budgetary reasons or just as a matter of opinion). If you know the out-of-towners will be fine with entertaining themselves, don't worry about it. Or, ask another relative or friend to host a cocktail party for the out-of-town guests that evening. Another option is to have your rehearsal dinner two nights before the wedding, and hang out with your out-of-towners the night before.

Q: I was hoping to have a candlelight ceremony, but I am unclear about how it actually works. I bought a ton of white Christmas lights, which I am hanging from the floor-to-ceiling windows in the ceremony/reception ballroom, but I don't think this will give off enough light so that guests will be able to see. Can you give me a few more suggestions?

A: I love, love, love candlelight ceremonies! Your twinkly lights sound great, but you're probably right about wanting more light. First, make sure you know what the local fire ordinances are, including the guidelines as to how many candles you can light -- or if you can light them at all. Ask the manager of the location to help you find that out. Then based on the regulations, you need to decide where you want to place the candles. Sounds like you're concerned about there being enough light around the two of you at the altar, so you might want to put large candles on stands (maybe decorated with flowers) around where you will exchange vows so people can see the area. You could also place one at the end of each pew. But don't overdo it -- the whole purpose of a candlelight ceremony is that the room is dim. Have a great time.

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