Budget Weddings: Q & A

Q: I'm working out a budget for my May wedding. My parents are deceased. Would it be correct etiquette to ask my siblings, who are all 10 or more years older than me, to help pay for the expenses that are usually paid for by the bride's parents?

A: That depends on your relationship with your siblings. I can't say that it's proper etiquette to ask them to stand in for your parents financially, but if they have been like parents to you in the past, some of them may be willing to or may even offer to help you out. If you want to broach the subject, talk in person to the sibling or siblings you're closest to in order to see if they are willing or able to help. But you certainly shouldn't expect their financial assistance. What you can expect is their good wishes and emotional support.

Q: Because I am not having a bridal party, I wanted to do something special for my best friends who are coming from afar to attend my wedding. I am planning to treat them to a day at a local spa the day before the wedding. My question is this: I know that a couple of them will insist on paying for the day themselves -- I want to be able to head this off as graciously as I can.

A: I love this idea! And the answer to your question is easy -- just tell 'em! Explain it to them exactly the way you explained it to me. You could send them a little note before they come in for the wedding to tell 'em about it too, if you wanted. And have a great time!

Q: What is proper for the families of the bride and groom to pay for in regard to the wedding?

A: It's less and less common these days for the bride's family to pay for the majority of a wedding. This is probably because couples are marrying later, have started their own careers and have their own incomes, and feel uncomfortable expecting their parents (especially just the bride's) to pop for a wedding that, on average, costs $20,000.

Keep in mind that the following guidelines are traditional (read: possibly outdated), and they're not at all written in stone. The best way to decide who's going to pay for what is for the bride's family, groom's family and the couple themselves to have one big powwow. Every family is different. In the meantime, here's what the etiquette books say:

Bride and her family:

1. Fee for church/temple and all ceremony accessories
   
2. Reception-site rental and all professional services for the party
   
3. Floral arrangements for ceremony and reception, plus bouquets for bridesmaids and flower girls
   
4. Invitations, announcements and other stationery
   
5. Bride's dress, veil and accessories
   
6. Photography and videography
   
7. Transportation of wedding party to ceremony and reception sites
   

Groom and his family:

1. Bride's engagement ring and wedding bands
   
2. Rehearsal dinner
   
3. Groom's wedding clothes
   
4. Bride's bouquet, boutonnieres for men in the wedding party and corsages for mothers and grandmothers
   
5. Marriage license and officiant's fee
   
6. Honeymoon
   

As you can see, the above is a bit lopsided! These days, the couple themselves usually help pay for a lot of the reception services, taking some of that burden off the bride's family. I can't stress it enough: This is a very gray area, and it's up to you and your families to make these decisions.