Why is it that the minute you get engaged well meaning people from all over the planet suddenly have little "tips" to throw your way? They range from the benign, "You should wear your hair up. It looks so pretty that way." To the downright hateful, "You should loose 20 pounds or you’ll look like the Troll in Shrek". It’s easy to wonder if people really do have your best interest at heart when they hurl their unsolicited advice at you from all corners. But there are a few things to keep in mind before you ban everyone you know from your wedding and change the locks on your door.
People want to be involved, especially mothers, future mother-in-laws and other women of the family. A conversation with your father about the wedding may begin and end with, "How much is this going to cost me?" whereas your mother will in all likelihood pull out a list filled with detailed questions the minute you announce your engagement. She’s probably doing this less as a means to control your day and more because she’s been waiting for this since the day you were born. Literally. She saw you in your little white receiving gown and thought to herself, "My daughter, the beautiful bride."
As for your friends, they’re most likely coming from a place of excitement with maybe just a hint of envy thrown in. If they’re already married they probably want to recapture some of the excitement of their own planning. They may also want to warn you away from some of the pitfalls they experienced. So, your best friend will say things like, "Please tell me you’re not going to hire a band. Bands are all horrible". Even when she knows full well that you just booked a band. Is she doing this to make you insane? Maybe, but it’s more likely that she’s remembering her own wedding and how the band played the Ally Cat all night until she wanted to cry. She’s just trying to spare you her agony.
Your unmarried friends may suddenly begin to regale you with stories of every failed marriage they’ve ever heard of. The Aunt and Uncle that everyone thought would be together forever: Divorced. Those friends of yours that you all went to the wedding of last summer: Divorced. It’s possible that your friend is trying to make you hate her, but more likely she’s expressing her own fears that she won’t meet the right person, and by downplaying the significance of weddings in general (including yours) she’s telling herself that it really is okay that she’s not engaged herself.
So, what can you do to keep your friends and family from driving you mad with their ‘advice’ and their ‘pointers’? Be honest with them. Tell them that while their opinion is valued you’d prefer that they keep certain things to themselves such as their feelings on your weight, your hair and other personal details of the wedding. Telling you that a white gown will make you look ‘washed out’ is useless, (unless you were considering burgundy as a back up color, that is). But telling you that the florist you’re considering has a bad reputation is helpful. Sometimes people just get so caught up in "helping you" that they forget which is which.
You don’t want to shut people out completely because then you’ll be missing out on a valuable wedding planning resource, and your friends and family just may have some incredibly helpful ideas. But understand that even your most well meaning friend will at some point or another put her foot in her mouth. It just comes with the territory when you’re planning a wedding. Realizing that, and being able to laugh about people’s occasional (or not so occasional) slip ups, should help to diffuse some of the tension that all of you are bound to feel from time to time.
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